Holistic Medicine and the Western Medical Tradition

Unloading More Than Just Shopping
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 31, 2012
(A customer is singing ‘Call Me Maybe’ really loud and obnoxiously while unloading items. I’m in line behind her. People behind me are complaining. The owner sneaks up behind her.)

Customer: “Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy…”

Owner: “…but you’re in my store, so SHUT UP MAYBE!”

(I will shop there for the rest of my life!)

Second Thoughts About Second Sight
APARTMENT COMPLEX, CLEVELAND, FUNNY, OHIO, ONE-LINER, USA, UTILITY COMPANY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 5, 2010
Customer: “My garbage disposal is clogged up.”

Me: “What is stuck in your garbage disposal?”

Customer: “A crystal ball.”

Me: “A what?”

Customer: “My crystal ball rolled off the counter and fell in my garbage disposal.”

Me: “You didn’t see that coming?”

Superman Goes Shopping
RETAIL | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 5, 2009
(In my store, it’s store policy to check credit cards for signatures; if they’re not signed, we must see ID.)

Me: “May I see your card, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Your card is not signed, sir, and I have to check IDs if there’s no signature.”

Customer: “I know it’s not signed, and it’s not going to be signed.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir, I just have to check your ID then.”

Customer: “Here.” *shows ID*

Me: “Okay, thank you – sign the machine please.”

Customer: “How do you know that’s me in the ID? He has glasses on and I don’t.”

Me: “Sir, it looks like you.”

Customer: “But I don’t have glasses on.”

Me: “Okay then, I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”

Customer: “Oh, well, it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”

Customer: “What? It’s me!”

Me: “I know… it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”

Screaming Until They’re Blue In The Face
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JUNE 18, 2014
(It’s about 6:45 on a slow-ish night working in fast food. We’re selling a popular promotional burger which includes blue cheese. Suddenly, I see a red faced customer storming towards the door, obviously furious. As store policy, I find the nearest supervisor to deal with an obviously irate customer. I hide in the mug room to watch.)

Supervisor: “Hi. Welcome to…”

Customer: “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?”

Supervisor: “No ma’am. What seems to be—”

Customer: *pulls half eaten blue cheese burger out of bag* “HOW DARE YOU FEED YOUR CUSTOMERS THIS! THIS BLUE CHEESE IS EXPIRED AND MOLDY!”

(At this point I can hear laughter from the kitchen, who can hear every word.)

Supervisor: “Ma’am, this is a blue cheese burger. Perhaps you were given it by mist—”

Customer: “I KNOW WHAT A D*** BLUE CHEESE BURGER IS!”

Supervisor: “Then you understand that it is an aged cheese, where this ‘mold’ is normal. I will happily return your money to you if you wish, however.”

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME! I’VE EATEN BLUE CHEESE ALL MY LIFE AND I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED MOLD!”

(My supervisor, obviously getting annoyed, gives the customer her refund.)

Supervisor: “Here is your refund. However, if you can find me blue cheese in the local supermarket that doesn’t have or taste ‘moldy,’ I will gladly give you every cent I have in this cash register.”

(I see the customer’s eyes gleam right before she storms out. She never does come back. )

Supervisor: *to me* “Go write ‘customer found mold in their blue cheese’ in the complaint book.”

Not Just Any Warm Crunchy Bread, Mind You
BIZARRE, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 26, 2007
Me: “So, what can I get you?”

Hobo: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at the menu*

(Three minutes later

Me: “I’ll come ba–”

Hobo: “I want some toast!”

Me: “Okay, toast is all. I’ll be right back.”

Hobo: “Yeah, that’s what I want… French toast.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Hobo: “I want some French toast. How much does that cost?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have French toast.”

Hobo: “Then what do you have?”

Me: “Um… toast?”

Hobo: “Toast? What’s that?”

*long pause*

Me: “Warm, crunchy bread, sir.”

Hobo: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm, crunchy bread!”

The One That Has Wheels And Moves
AUTO SHOP | RIGHT | OCTOBER 27, 2011
(I work at a tire center. More often than we’d like, we get completely clueless customers coming in for tire replacements.)

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to get my tires changed.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the year, make, and model of your vehicle?”

Customer: “I’m really not sure of any of that. Do you need it?”

Me: “Yeah, we need to know so we can get the right size of tires. Do you know if your car is a Chevy? A Ford? Dodge?”

Customer: “I don’t know, but I think the name starts with an E?”

Me: “Okay, is it a car, truck, or SUV?”

Customer: “I’m really not sure.”

Me: “Okay, let’s just step outside on the parking lot. You can point your car out for me and I can get the information there.” (The customer stands at the door and points out to the lot, which is filled with cars.)

Customer: “It’s the white one.”

(I go outside and begin to walk to the first white car I see.)

Customer: “What are you doing?! I said the white one! The white one!” *points to another white car in a different direction* “You don’t know what you’re doing! Who hired you?”

Sorry Doesn’t Seem To Be The Hardest Word
RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 9, 2014
(I’m ringing up a customer and giving her her bags. I forget to give her the light jacket she bought and don’t notice until she drives off. Hoping she’ll come back, I put it next to myself for safe-keeping and keep checking customers. Twenty minutes later, she returns.)

Customer: “Where’s my jacket?!”

Me: “Right here, ma’am.” *I give her back the jacket* “I’m sorry about the inconvenience, I—”

Customer: “You should be ASHAMED of yourself! This is very poor service!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am—”

Customer: “I had to get out of my car, bring in my things, see my jacket missing, get my walker, get BACK in my car, and drive all the way back here, and it was very difficult! What’s your name? I’m calling corporate about you, and they’re gonna write you up!”

Me: “I’m sorry about—”

Customer: *wry laughter* “Oh, and of course, you never ONCE said sorry!”

Me: “But I, just— I’m very sorry, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, you apologize NOW, after I TELL you to!”

(I return to my line, shaken and a little upset, and continue ringing up the customer I was helping earlier, who witnessed the whole thing.)

Next Customer: “But you said you were sorry FOUR times. I counted!”

It’s Imaginary Dog Eat Dog
BOOKSTORE | RIGHT | AUGUST 4, 2014
(I am in a large second-hand bookshop that allows dogs as long as they are leashed. There are signs prominently displayed with that information. I am sitting in a small lounge area and nearby are coffee machines and plates of biscuits bought on the honesty system. You take what you want and drop money in a box. I get up and leave my 14-year-old, very well behaved, miniature poodle, Fred, by the chair, with the handle of his lead under a chair leg. As I get coffee I do not see Fred take a few steps forward and, friendly, approach another dog which snarls and barks at him. I turn around to see Fred sit back down by the chair. I ask the owners of the other dog if everything is all right and they apologise for their dog’s aggressiveness. Neither dog came into contact with each other and the other dog has calmed down. No harm done. I sit down and a customer sitting next to me speaks

Customer: “They shouldn’t allow dogs in here. They were fighting.”

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Dogs are permitted. There are signs all over the place and these dogs were not fighting. There was a small altercation but everything is fine now.”

Customer: “You should get those dogs out of here. I know the owner. I’ll complain.”

Me: “Go and complain, then. See how far it gets you.”

(He leaves and minutes later the owner of the shop approaches with the man and asks about the ‘dog fight.’ I and the owners of the other dog explain what happened and a member of staff who witnessed everything confirms our version of events. The man is by now red faced and clearly angry and the owner turns to him

Owner: “You lied to me, sir. You said there was a dog fight but the dogs never came into contact with each other.”

Customer: “But dogs should not be allowed in here.”

Owner: “This is my shop. I decide if dogs come in here and these dogs are welcome. I also decide which humans come in here and you are no longer welcome. Get out and don’t come back.”

(Moments passed before the man realised he lost and he left. The best part of the story? When I sat back down Fred and the other dog were sitting side by side happily sniffing each other as if they had known each other for years.)

happily sniffing each other as if they had known each other for years.)

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You Twin Some, You Lose Some
GROCERY STORE, LIARS/SCAMMERS, UK | RIGHT | APRIL 22, 2011
(A customer comes to a sample stand.)

Me: “Would you like to try some noodles?”

Customer: “Sure. Wow, this is so tasty.”

(A very similar looking customer comes in fifteen minutes later. He is in a different shirt and pants.)

Customer: “Oh, good. There are still some noodles left. Can I try some too?”

Me: “Didn’t you just try it? It’s one per customer.”

Customer: “That was my twin brother. We live right across the street and he told me about the noodles.”

Me: “Wow, so both you and your brother have a bandage on that hand?”

Customer: “Uh…” *walks away*

Contextual Innuendos
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JUNE 19, 2012
(I’m at work on a Saturday with a clerk and a pharmacist. I notice the clerk speaking with an elderly woman out front but don’t think much of it. A few minutes later, the clerk comes back with a strange expression on her face and tells me I have to go help the woman.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a vibrator.”

Me: “A…vibrator?”

Customer: “Yes. I had one, but I used it too much and it wore out.”

Me: “I don’t think we have anything like that. Where did you buy the first one?”

Customer: “At another pharmacy, but I want one with a long handle so it can reach better.”

(At this point I’m biting the inside of my cheek in an effort not to laugh.)

Me: “What kind of vibrator are you looking for, exactly?”

Customer: “You know! One of those that rub your feet!”

Me: “OH! Sorry, we don’t have anything like that.”

Artificial Unintelligence, Part 2
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | AUGUST 1, 2014
Me: “Welcome to the support team. You’re speaking with [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Check claim status.”

(I realise he thinks I’m a recording.)

Me: “Not a problem, sir. Can I ask which service your claim was for?”

Caller: “Skip questions.”

Me: “Um… sir, I do need to know the details of your claim so I can track it?”

Caller: “Eugh! Stupid machine… SKIP questions!”

Me: “Um.. I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not a machine. I need to know—”

Caller: “Main menu!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not a recording. I can help with your enquiry, but I have to ask a few questions first.”

Caller: “Oh, thank god. A person!”

Can’t Make The Connection
AIRPLANE | WORKING | OCTOBER 6, 2013
(I am flying to Tucson, AZ for college. After a layover at Chicago, we are taxiing to the runway.)

Flight Attendant: “Hey, turn your cell phone off! They all need to be off RIGHT NOW!”

Passenger: “My cell phone is off!”

Flight Attendant: “No, it needs to be all the way off. Hit the power button!”

Passenger: “But if I hit the power button, it’ll turn back on. It’s already off!”

Flight Attendant: “I’m not joking. Turn it off. All the way off. Hit that power button!”

Passenger: “What is wrong with you? I’m telling you it’s all the way off. OFF! The power button will turn it ON!”

Flight Attendant: “Look, I’m not playing games with you. If you don’t turn it off, we’re going back to the gate and throwing you off the aircraft. Your phone could interfere with aircraft systems, and we can’t have that. So hit the power button and turn it off. I’m not telling you again.”

Passenger: “But if I hit the power button, it’ll turn ON! If it’s on, it can interfere with the aircraft systems. Lady, it’s off, I promise you. You want to check it? Go ahead, check it.”

Flight Attendant: *to the senior flight attendant* “Tell the captain to take us back to the gate. I have an uncooperative passenger who won’t turn off her phone.”

Other Passengers: “We saw her turn it off! This is delaying us! Can we just go?”

Flight Attendant: “No, we’re going back to the gate! We can’t leave because your fellow passenger here won’t turn off her phone.”

Senior Flight Attendant: “Have you actually checked the phone yet?”

Flight Attendant: “Well, no. But I don’t need to. I know it’s on.”

Senior Flight Attendant: *to passenger* “May I see your phone, ma’am?” *checks the phone* “She’s right. The phone is powered off. Now, if you don’t mind, [Flight Attendant], I’m going to tell the captain to take us back. You need to be more careful about things like this.”

(We did end up departing only five minutes late, thankfully. And the passenger got an apology. Luckily, she was a better sport about it than the rest of us.)

Tell This Manager To (Life) Stuff It
OFFICE | WORKING | MARCH 20, 2013
(I am the ticket office person for a very small underground show venue. There is no backup, so I’ve had to come to work sick countless times, eat dinner while working in front of the customers, and close my box office to go to the bathroom.)

Me: “Excuse me, [manager]? My husband is graduating from university on [date]. I am telling you two months in advance so you can find someone to replace me.”

Manager: “No! It’s a Sunday and during [festival]. I need you here.”

Me: “With two months notice, isn’t it possible to find a replacement just for that one day?”

Manager: “No. It would be too expensive to hire and train someone just for one day.”

Me: “Maybe you would be training them for more than just a day. That person could be your backup in case I fall ill or have a family obligation. I’m sure a student would be more than happy to work here on-call once in a while.”

Manager: “No. You knew what the schedule was when I hired you.”

Me: “In my six months of working here, I have missed birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Easter. I said nothing, because these occasions come back every year. My husband’s graduation won’t. Same for the weddings and christenings I will have to attend in a very near future.”

Manager: “I knew I should not have hired a married 27-year-old! You people just have too much… life stuff going on! Next thing we know, you’ll be pregnant!”

(I attended my husband’s graduation anyway, and quit the job.)

Ired By Shire Attire
CLOTHING STORE, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, MOVIES & TV, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | JULY 20, 2009
Customer: “Excuse me, can you help me choose which suit I should get?”

Me: “Certainly. This model here was worn by actor Sean Astin.”

Customer: “Who is that?”

Me: “He played Sam in The Lord of the Rings. He was one of the hobbits.”

Customer: “You sell to hobbits!?”

Me: “Well, he’s not re–”

Customer: “You shouldn’t sell to hobbits!”

Decision Making Make Oggwina Confused
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, RETAIL, TIME, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 15, 2008
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book in for my photo session.”

Me: “Great, what kind of date were you looking for?”

Customer: “June.”

Me: “Okay, we only book up to two weeks in advance but I can put something on hold for you. What kind of day and time were you looking for?”

Customer: “June, maybe a weekend.”

Me: “Okay, just pick a time and date and I can get that sorted for you.”

Customer: “I find this very unprofessional!”

Me: “…why?”

Customer: “You should show me what dates you have free!”

Me: “Every date and time in June; no one else is booked in yet.”

Customer: *glares at me*

Me: “Do you want to have a look at the diary?”

Customer: “Yes, I think I’d better.”

(I bring her into the office and show her the screen with our June diary on. It is COMPLETELY blank.)

Customer: “So what date can I have?”

Me: “What date do you want?”

(This goes on and on until I finally give her a random date and time.)

Rescue 911, Transylvania Edition
BIZARRE, CALL CENTER, EMERGENCY SERVICES, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 11, 2009
(Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

911: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

911: “Did he try to bite you?”

Caller: “No.”

911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”

Twin Wrongs Do Not Make A Night
NIGHTCLUB | WORKING | FEBRUARY 5, 2013
(This happened many years ago, when the drinking age was just 18 and our state driver’s licenses had descriptions, not photos. While I worked for many years and in nearly every position in the restaurant industry, in this incident my friends and I were the customers, and we behaved badly.)

(Five of us—my brother and I, and three friends (two of which are brothers), are trying to get into a nightclub. Four of us are of age, but one of our friends is only 17 and underage. His older brother, who is 21 and with us, has given his 17-year-old brother an expired copy of his license to try and sneak him in; note that the two brothers are the same height, weight, hair, and eye color. As expected, the bouncer lets four of us in, but stops when he looks at our underaged friend’s ID.)

Bouncer: “Hey, this guy has the same name as that guy, there!”

(Our underage friend freezes: the jig is up. In one last desperate effort to save the situation, I blurt out the first thing that came into my mind with all the exasperated disdain a 21-year-old punk can muster.)

Me: “OF COURSE they have the same name! They’re identical twin brothers! What do you expect? Come on!”

Bouncer: “Oh, sorry. Okay, then. Go on through.”

(To that bouncer, should he read this and remember: Sorry, man!)

Remained Unchanged Throughout
CHARITY, RETAIL | RIGHT | MAY 28, 2015
(While volunteering at the local Habitat for Humanity ReStore, I notice a middle-aged man walk up to the cashier and hand him a $20 bill. He is buying a $2 tire gauge, normally priced at twice that amount. I overhear the exchange.)

Cashier: “Excuse me, sir, do you have anything smaller?” *gestures at nearly empty money jar* “Our cash register isn’t working and I don’t think we have enough change in here to cash a 20.”

Customer: “But it’s legal tender.”

Cashier: “Yes, but we don’t have sufficient change.”

Customer: “It’s enough, isn’t it?”

(This goes on for about five minutes, with the cashier clearly attempting to keep his cool. Finally, he gives up.)

Cashier: “Here.”

(He reaches into his own wallet and pulls out $20 in fives and ones, takes $2 and gives the remaining $18 to the customer. The customer counts the money in his hands, then attempts to take the $2 sitting on the table.)

Cashier: “Hey, what are you doing?”

Customer: “You only gave me $18. I gave you a 20.”

Cashier: “Yes, but you want to buy this gauge, don’t you? It cost $2, so I took that out.”

Customer: “How do I know you didn’t short change me?”

(At this point, the cashier is about ready to explode. He grabs the cash and clearly counts the amount out. It amounts exactly to $20.)

Cashier: “There, you did get exact change. Now I will need $2 for the item.”

Customer: “I want a discount for the trouble you put me through.”

Cashier: *exasperated* “The item normally cost $4. You are getting it at half off. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “No, that’s all. I ought to complain for the amount of time this took. Now I’m late.”

(He grabbed the tire gauge and left. I saw him, about two hours later, still wandering about the store.)

One Ring To Ruin Them All
HOME | ROMANTIC | MARCH 12, 2013
(My housemate’s girlfriend has just stormed out of the house. While I couldn’t make out any specifics, I can tell they just had one h*** of a shouting match. I check up on my friend.)

Me: “You okay?”

Friend: “No. We broke up.”

Me: “Ah, definitely not okay then. What was the argument about?”

Friend: “It’s so silly. It started about her liking Twilight.”

Me: “You broke up with her over a book?”

Friend: “She actually thinks it’s a good book! She said it was well written! It’s a piece of s***! And she thinks the films were even better!”

Me: “Dude, that’s just her opinion. You don’t need to break up with her because she likes one thing that’s crap. You had plenty of other things in common.”

Friend: “She also said that Lord of the Rings was boring.”

Me: “Well, f*** that. You made the right choice.”

Error 404: Brain Not Found
CALIFORNIA, CALL CENTER, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 15, 2010
Me: “Hello, how may I help today?”

Caller: “Yeah, your [Software] isn’t working. It’s a virus.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What do you mean, it’s a virus?”

Caller: “Every time I put the disc in, I get a message from the computer.”

Me: “What kind of message?”

Caller: “I don’t read it. It’s a warning message so I click ‘no.’”

Me: “Okay, can you insert the disc and tell me the message?”

Caller: “Sure.”

Me: “What does it say, sir?”

Caller: “Would you like to install…” *reads name of software* “… on your…” *click*