Holistic Medicine and the Western Medical Tradition

You’re Boxing Me In Here
AUSTRALIA, HOBART, PATIENTS, PHARMACY, STUPID, TASMANIA | HEALTHY | JUNE 27, 2018
(At my pharmacy, we commonly take orders by phone so that a customer’s medications can be ready to collect when they arrive. This phone order, however, is a little different.)

Me: “Good afternoon. This is [Pharmacy]. [My Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to order some medications, please.”

Me: “Sure. What do you need?”

Customer: “I can’t remember what they’re called, sorry.”

Me: “That’s okay. We can figure it out. Do you remember what they’re for?”

Customer: “No, sorry. But they come in a box…”

Not The Kind Of “Fall Into My Arms” Story We’re Used To
AUSTRALIA, GOLDEN YEARS, GROCERY STORE, HEALTH & BODY, KIND STRANGERS, NEW SOUTH WALES | HEALTHY | JUNE 26, 2018
(I’m standing behind a woman in line at the checkout who has put her groceries on the belt and has picked up her tiny baby out of the seat, as the baby started fussing. The customer in front of her is a sweet, older man who is having trouble getting his card to work. The woman is swaying side to side, something I don’t think much of because I did the same to calm down my kids when they were small. The older man turns to apologise for the wait, and gets a funny look on his face.)

Older Guy: “Are you okay, ma’am?”

(The woman spins around to face me and I see her face is slightly purple and her eyes are completely unfocused and darting around. Before I can react to try to catch her, she shoves the baby in my direction. I drop my items and catch the baby just in time, and the old man tries to catch the woman as she drops and starts twitching. They both end up on the floor, though he does break her fall. The cashier calls for help and there’s a flurry of activity, with managers calling for an ambulance and helping the woman. The old man scrambles back to his feet, and he and I step aside — me still holding the baby — while the ambulance officers show up and diagnose her with a seizure and start loading her into an ambulance. They take the baby with them — she has regained consciousness at this point and screams for her baby, thinking she had dropped them when she fell. In all the activity, the older man stays at the end of the checkout, waiting to finish paying for his groceries and leave. I look down and see he is holding his arm strangely.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Older Guy: “Ah, landed on my arm a bit funny.”

(Upon closer inspection, his arm is clearly broken quite badly near his wrist.)

Cashier: “Oh, no! Why didn’t you tell the ambulance guys? They would have taken you, too!”

Older Guy: “Oh, no, they were busy with the young lass. I’ve had my time; youngins are the future! I’ll get it looked at later.”

(We did eventually convince him to let me drive him to the hospital, with a promise of dropping his groceries off at home to his wife. She was beside herself and let me drive her back to her husband’s car so they wouldn’t have to worry about it later. Given the amount of stories on here about old people being cranky and mean, I was touched to find one who was willing to sit quietly through immense pain just so someone else would receive medical attention.)

The Whole Nine Family
FAMILY & KIDS, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 25, 2018
(I’m 38 and pregnant for the first time. My OB has a bit of a specialty in older pregnancies, so I’m not surprised to see a woman looking older than me in the waiting room.)

Me: “This is my first. We weren’t really planning anything; you know, whatever happens, happens.”

Woman: “Pregnancy six, baby number nine. Christ, what I would give for a girl this time.”

Me: “Nine? All the rest are boys? Wow.”

Woman: “Yep. In my defense, pregnancies three and four were multiples, and pregnancy five was surprise; the vasectomy didn’t take.”

Me: *afraid to ask now* “And this one?”

Woman: “My husband and I put a hit out on the urologist. The boys are pretty evenly split between this kid being the messiah and their dad being Wolverine.”

Me: “Was it a shock for them?”

Woman: “When we Skyped our oldest, he laughed so hard he fell off the chair and concussed himself. We had to explain to his gunny why he was giggling while bleeding profusely from the head.” *she sighs* “I’m too old for this crap.”

(She was called back then. Lady, I wish you all the luck.)

A Totally Crap Present
CANADA, MEDICAL OFFICE, NON-DIALOGUE, NURSES, PATIENTS, REVOLTING, SILLY | HEALTHY | JUNE 24, 2018
I have to give a stool sample. I don’t have to go while I’m at the clinic, so I go home and bring it back later. Literally the only opaque bag I can find in the house is a gift bag… so I put the container in that.

I feel bad, but watching the nurse’s expression turn from delight to horror as she realizes I have not brought her a present is… pretty funny.

From No Breathing To Heavy Breathing
AUSTRALIA, HOSPITAL, PATIENTS, RUDE & RISQUE, SILLY, SPOUSES & PARTNERS | HEALTHY | JUNE 23, 2018
(I’ve been having trouble getting solid sleep lately, and my partner informs me that I’ve suddenly stopped breathing in my sleep a few times. My doctor refers me to a local hospital for a sleep study. My partner comes with me, since he’ll be helping me set up the equipment for my at-home study. The technician walks us through the process, and packs everything up for us to take home.)

Tech: “Now make sure you start hooking this all up a half hour before midnight, okay? You don’t have to be asleep when it switches on, but you should be in bed and settling down for the night. It’s all automated and will beep when it comes on, and switches off again at nine-thirty. Any questions?”

Me: “No, I think I’m—”

Partner: “Yes! I have one.”

Tech: “Yep?”

Partner: “We can still have sex once she’s all hooked up, right? I’ve always had a thing for Borgs.”

(One look at his face, and the tech can tell he’s not serious. I’ve been pretty anxious about the not-breathing thing, and he’s been trying to make jokes all day to cheer me up.)

Tech: “Now, I know you’re joking, but please don’t actually do that. You can damage the leads or accidentally switch the recording device off. We’ve had it happen.”

Partner: *surprised* “You’re kidding!”

Tech: “No. We even had one man book an in-hospital test, and his wife showed up with him. She apparently thought it was like a hotel, and that he was just after a night away from the kids.”

Me: “Wow.”

Tech: “She wasn’t thrilled when we told her she had to leave.”

Partner: “Well, would you be? I mean, there goes your romantic evening in these luxurious surroundings…” *he waves around the very basic hospital room we’re sitting in*

Use Your Emergency Words
HOSPITAL, PATIENTS, USA, WORDPLAY | HEALTHY | JUNE 22, 2018
(I’m putting a splint on a patient who broke his thumb working on heavy machinery. I’m trying to keep him talking to help with the pain.)

Me: “So, how did you get into this kind of work?”

Patient: “F*** if I know… Oh, sorry!”

Me: “I don’t mind; this is a f****** ER.”

Patient: *laughs*

This Rule Is A Lie (Down)
CALIFORNIA, HOSPITAL, LOS ANGELES, SECURITY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 22, 2018
(I’ve ended up in the ER waiting room with an excruciating spinal headache, due to a myelogram test I underwent four days earlier. This means I can’t have any part of my spine bent for more than a minute or so without the headache coming on and making me severely sick. I’ve been becoming severely sick the entire four days anytime I’ve so much as gone to the toilet, so I’ve been forced to be bedridden the entire time. The waiting room has nowhere to lie down, not even two chairs near each other without a non-removable armrest between them. I also know that if I stand in place straight up for more than a few minutes my blood pressure will drop and I’ll lose consciousness. For lack of any other solution, I’ve crawled to lie down on the floor in a semi-clean corner, with my head under one of the unused seats, to hide from the bright ceiling lights and be as much out of the way as possible. I’ve been waiting this way for over an hour. I carefully get up to ask the check-in nurse how much longer it’ll be. She can’t tell me; she can only say that I’ll have to wait some more. I go back to my place on the floor. In less than a minute, a security guard comes up.)

Guard: “Miss, you can’t lie on the floor here.”

Me: “What? I need to be lying down. If I don’t, I’ll become badly sick.”

Guard: “Well, but surely you can sit down, miss; there are seats here. You just can’t be lying down.”

Me: *bewildered at having to explain such obvious things in an ER waiting room, and after already having lain there for an hour without being bothered or bothering anyone* “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit anywhere. The reason I’ve come to the ER is that I have a specific condition where I become severely sick when I’m sitting. There’s no way I can physically be in that position right now. I have to be lying down so I don’t become ill.”

Guard: “Oh, well… But miss, there’s a rule that says you aren’t allowed to lie on the floor in this room. So couldn’t you please just go over right there and sit in one of these nice empty seats, anyway? There’s a rule, you see.” *looks at me expectantly like he’s making a perfectly reasonable suggestion.*

Me: “…”

(I checked later: there were no signs anywhere in the room stating such a rule.)

Attempts To Cut The Line Are Painful
CANADA, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, PATIENTS, PHYSICAL | HEALTHY | JUNE 22, 2018
(I go to a small chiropractic office with no receptionist. As you come in, you ask the others waiting who is last in line, and then you know where your place is in line. The doctor brings the previous person out, and the next person in line goes in. Works excellent, usually. One day, I have been waiting through three or four previous patients and I am the only one left waiting. A guy comes in, looks around and sees me, a middle-aged woman, standing there.)

Guy: “I’m sure you won’t mind if I go ahead of you. I’m in a lot of pain.”

Me: “Actually, I’m in quite a bit of pain, too.”

(The guy gives me a dirty look and sits down. The doctor emerges and the guy jumps up to be next. The doctor swivels sideways to block the guy’s entrance to the office.)

Doctor: “Hello, [My Name], you’ve been waiting so patiently even though you’re in too much pain to sit down. I’m sorry to have been so long.”

(Apparently the guy tried this whenever there was a woman in front of him. Love my chiropractor.)

Because There Is No One Else Sick Today Except You
BAD BEHAVIOR, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, PENNSYLVANIA, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 21, 2018
(This takes place in a busy OB/GYN clinic. I’m a provider, one of four who are scheduled to see five or six patients per hour. We run all day to stay on schedule. A notoriously needy patient calls the front desk staff.)

Patient: “I have my appointment card and it says three, but I’m pretty sure my appointment was for one… Can you check?”

Clerk: “Looking in the computer, you’re scheduled for three, so we’ll see you then!”

(The patient over the years has scammed the private phone number for the patient care area, and calls.)

Patient: “I have an appointment for three, but I’m really sure I am supposed to come at one… You can see me, right?”

Nurse: “No, we are booked solid. We’ll see you at three!”

(Of course, the patient arrives at one. The desk clerk tells her we will see her at three. She sits in the waiting room and complains to everyone around her. Since we share a waiting area with a large family practice clinic and a couple of specialties, this gives her lots of opportunities. The poor desk clerk begs us to get her in early; initially we refuse, but after an hour, I have a teeny break in my schedule, so I relent. She smirks as the nurse brings her to the exam room. I do her routine visit. On the way out

Patient: “Oh, [My Name], I knew I could count on you; you’re always so nice to me.”

Me: “Well, [Patient], it turned out I had one opening in my schedule. The person scheduled for this time didn’t come, because she lost her baby.”

Patient: “Oh, [My Name!] Why did you tell me that?! Now I feel bad!“

(Can’t have that, can we?)

A Sixth Sense That It’s The Sixth Month
AUSTRALIA, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MEDICAL OFFICE, MELBOURNE, RECEPTION, STUPID, VICTORIA | HEALTHY | JUNE 21, 2018
(I have a bad cold and need a medical certificate for work. I go to the walk-in clinic in my area, and the receptionist asks for my public health care card. I pass it to her.)

Receptionist: “Do you have a current one?”

Me: “Isn’t that current?”

Receptionist: “It’s expired; I can’t accept it.”

Me: “What? I haven’t gotten a new one yet.”

Receptionist: *she flips it around to show me, and taps on the expiry date*

Me: “Um, that’s not expired.”

Receptionist: *she taps it again*

Me: “That says 07-18.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “It’s June.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “June is the sixth month.”

Receptionist: “Wait.” *she checks something on her computer* “SO IT IS! Okay, the wait is currently half an hour; take a seat and we will call you when you’re up!”

Me: “Thanks.”

Receptionist: “And keep an eye out in the mail for your new card!”

Me: “I will!”

America: The Land Of The Freely Medicated
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HOSPITAL, NURSES, PATIENTS, SILLY, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 21, 2018
(I consider myself very lucky that I have always been healthy. I was never sick often as a kid, and have no chronic ailments as an adult. Call me crazy, but I generally assumed that was the case for most people unless they had a serious accident, or developed a condition, etc. That is, until recently, when I check into the hospital for a minor procedure. Nothing is wrong; this is a procedure having to do with fertility. My mom goes with me the morning of my appointment and is sitting by my bed while I fill out the final pre-surgery forms and get set up with the IV, etc. Over the course of the next half-hour, I have only slightly different versions of the same conversation with every nurse and doctor who comes to check on me

Nurse #1 : *checks my chart* “I see here your only medication is birth control?”

Me: “That’s right.”

Nurse #1 : “No allergies? No other medications?”

Me: “Nope.”

Nurse #1 : “Hmm… Okay.” *leaves*

(Mom and I give each other a look, but don’t think anything else of it. Then the next conversations happen

Nurse #2 : “Are you sure you don’t take any other medications?”

Nurse #3 : “Are you sure you don’t have allergies?”

Doctor #1 : “Wow! No other meds?”

Nurse #4 : “I can’t believe you’re not taking anything else!”

Doctor #2 : “Birth control is the only thing you take?”

Me: *turning to my mom after the last doctor leaves* “Are they being really, really thorough, or do we just live in a very unhealthy area?”

Mom: “When I had surgery last year only two people asked me about the medicines I take. It seems strange to me, too, and you’re so young! What do they expect you to be taking?”

(The procedure goes fine, and soon I’m waking up from the anesthesia.)

Mom: “Hi, honey.”

Nurse #5 : “Hi there, [My Name]! You did great!” *checks my chart* “Are you really only taking birth control, and nothing else?”

Me: *slurred and groggy* “Seriously?! How unhealthy did you expect me to be?!”

Surely Those Kinds Of Sports Are More Downstairs?
COFFEE SHOP, HEALTH & BODY, RUDE & RISQUE, UK, WALES | HEALTHY | JUNE 20, 2018
(A few months ago I had a stupid sport accident resulting in a hurt knee. To fight this, I wear a knee support. It’s a brand professional athletes use; it’s bright blue and covers my leg from mid-calf to mid-thigh. A regular about the same age as my grandfather comes into the café where I work and sees my leg.)

Regular: “What happened to you?”

Me: “Sport trauma.” *it’s the fastest and least descriptive way to say it*

Regular: “Oh, too much upstairs sports, is that right?”

The Whole Nine Family
FAMILY & KIDS, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 25, 2018
(I’m 38 and pregnant for the first time. My OB has a bit of a specialty in older pregnancies, so I’m not surprised to see a woman looking older than me in the waiting room.)

Me: “This is my first. We weren’t really planning anything; you know, whatever happens, happens.”

Woman: “Pregnancy six, baby number nine. Christ, what I would give for a girl this time.”

Me: “Nine? All the rest are boys? Wow.”

Woman: “Yep. In my defense, pregnancies three and four were multiples, and pregnancy five was surprise; the vasectomy didn’t take.”

Me: *afraid to ask now* “And this one?”

Woman: “My husband and I put a hit out on the urologist. The boys are pretty evenly split between this kid being the messiah and their dad being Wolverine.”

Me: “Was it a shock for them?”

Woman: “When we Skyped our oldest, he laughed so hard he fell off the chair and concussed himself. We had to explain to his gunny why he was giggling while bleeding profusely from the head.” *she sighs* “I’m too old for this crap.”

(She was called back then. Lady, I wish you all the luck.)

A Totally Crap Present
CANADA, MEDICAL OFFICE, NON-DIALOGUE, NURSES, PATIENTS, REVOLTING, SILLY | HEALTHY | JUNE 24, 2018
I have to give a stool sample. I don’t have to go while I’m at the clinic, so I go home and bring it back later. Literally the only opaque bag I can find in the house is a gift bag… so I put the container in that.

I feel bad, but watching the nurse’s expression turn from delight to horror as she realizes I have not brought her a present is… pretty funny.

From No Breathing To Heavy Breathing
AUSTRALIA, HOSPITAL, PATIENTS, RUDE & RISQUE, SILLY, SPOUSES & PARTNERS | HEALTHY | JUNE 23, 2018
(I’ve been having trouble getting solid sleep lately, and my partner informs me that I’ve suddenly stopped breathing in my sleep a few times. My doctor refers me to a local hospital for a sleep study. My partner comes with me, since he’ll be helping me set up the equipment for my at-home study. The technician walks us through the process, and packs everything up for us to take home.)

Tech: “Now make sure you start hooking this all up a half hour before midnight, okay? You don’t have to be asleep when it switches on, but you should be in bed and settling down for the night. It’s all automated and will beep when it comes on, and switches off again at nine-thirty. Any questions?”

Me: “No, I think I’m—”

Partner: “Yes! I have one.”

Tech: “Yep?”

Partner: “We can still have sex once she’s all hooked up, right? I’ve always had a thing for Borgs.”

(One look at his face, and the tech can tell he’s not serious. I’ve been pretty anxious about the not-breathing thing, and he’s been trying to make jokes all day to cheer me up.)

Tech: “Now, I know you’re joking, but please don’t actually do that. You can damage the leads or accidentally switch the recording device off. We’ve had it happen.”

Partner: *surprised* “You’re kidding!”

Tech: “No. We even had one man book an in-hospital test, and his wife showed up with him. She apparently thought it was like a hotel, and that he was just after a night away from the kids.”

Me: “Wow.”

Tech: “She wasn’t thrilled when we told her she had to leave.”

Partner: “Well, would you be? I mean, there goes your romantic evening in these luxurious surroundings…” *he waves around the very basic hospital room we’re sitting in*

Use Your Emergency Words
HOSPITAL, PATIENTS, USA, WORDPLAY | HEALTHY | JUNE 22, 2018
(I’m putting a splint on a patient who broke his thumb working on heavy machinery. I’m trying to keep him talking to help with the pain.)

Me: “So, how did you get into this kind of work?”

Patient: “F*** if I know… Oh, sorry!”

Me: “I don’t mind; this is a f****** ER.”

Patient: *laughs*

This Rule Is A Lie (Down)
CALIFORNIA, HOSPITAL, LOS ANGELES, SECURITY, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 22, 2018
(I’ve ended up in the ER waiting room with an excruciating spinal headache, due to a myelogram test I underwent four days earlier. This means I can’t have any part of my spine bent for more than a minute or so without the headache coming on and making me severely sick. I’ve been becoming severely sick the entire four days anytime I’ve so much as gone to the toilet, so I’ve been forced to be bedridden the entire time. The waiting room has nowhere to lie down, not even two chairs near each other without a non-removable armrest between them. I also know that if I stand in place straight up for more than a few minutes my blood pressure will drop and I’ll lose consciousness. For lack of any other solution, I’ve crawled to lie down on the floor in a semi-clean corner, with my head under one of the unused seats, to hide from the bright ceiling lights and be as much out of the way as possible. I’ve been waiting this way for over an hour. I carefully get up to ask the check-in nurse how much longer it’ll be. She can’t tell me; she can only say that I’ll have to wait some more. I go back to my place on the floor. In less than a minute, a security guard comes up.)

Guard: “Miss, you can’t lie on the floor here.”

Me: “What? I need to be lying down. If I don’t, I’ll become badly sick.”

Guard: “Well, but surely you can sit down, miss; there are seats here. You just can’t be lying down.”

Me: *bewildered at having to explain such obvious things in an ER waiting room, and after already having lain there for an hour without being bothered or bothering anyone* “I’m sorry, but I can’t sit anywhere. The reason I’ve come to the ER is that I have a specific condition where I become severely sick when I’m sitting. There’s no way I can physically be in that position right now. I have to be lying down so I don’t become ill.”

Guard: “Oh, well… But miss, there’s a rule that says you aren’t allowed to lie on the floor in this room. So couldn’t you please just go over right there and sit in one of these nice empty seats, anyway? There’s a rule, you see.” *looks at me expectantly like he’s making a perfectly reasonable suggestion.*

Me: “…”

(I checked later: there were no signs anywhere in the room stating such a rule.)

Attempts To Cut The Line Are Painful
CANADA, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, PATIENTS, PHYSICAL | HEALTHY | JUNE 22, 2018
(I go to a small chiropractic office with no receptionist. As you come in, you ask the others waiting who is last in line, and then you know where your place is in line. The doctor brings the previous person out, and the next person in line goes in. Works excellent, usually. One day, I have been waiting through three or four previous patients and I am the only one left waiting. A guy comes in, looks around and sees me, a middle-aged woman, standing there.)

Guy: “I’m sure you won’t mind if I go ahead of you. I’m in a lot of pain.”

Me: “Actually, I’m in quite a bit of pain, too.”

(The guy gives me a dirty look and sits down. The doctor emerges and the guy jumps up to be next. The doctor swivels sideways to block the guy’s entrance to the office.)

Doctor: “Hello, [My Name], you’ve been waiting so patiently even though you’re in too much pain to sit down. I’m sorry to have been so long.”

(Apparently the guy tried this whenever there was a woman in front of him. Love my chiropractor.)

Because There Is No One Else Sick Today Except You
BAD BEHAVIOR, MEDICAL OFFICE, PATIENTS, PENNSYLVANIA, USA | HEALTHY | JUNE 21, 2018
(This takes place in a busy OB/GYN clinic. I’m a provider, one of four who are scheduled to see five or six patients per hour. We run all day to stay on schedule. A notoriously needy patient calls the front desk staff.)

Patient: “I have my appointment card and it says three, but I’m pretty sure my appointment was for one… Can you check?”

Clerk: “Looking in the computer, you’re scheduled for three, so we’ll see you then!”

(The patient over the years has scammed the private phone number for the patient care area, and calls.)

Patient: “I have an appointment for three, but I’m really sure I am supposed to come at one… You can see me, right?”

Nurse: “No, we are booked solid. We’ll see you at three!”

(Of course, the patient arrives at one. The desk clerk tells her we will see her at three. She sits in the waiting room and complains to everyone around her. Since we share a waiting area with a large family practice clinic and a couple of specialties, this gives her lots of opportunities. The poor desk clerk begs us to get her in early; initially we refuse, but after an hour, I have a teeny break in my schedule, so I relent. She smirks as the nurse brings her to the exam room. I do her routine visit. On the way out

Patient: “Oh, [My Name], I knew I could count on you; you’re always so nice to me.”

Me: “Well, [Patient], it turned out I had one opening in my schedule. The person scheduled for this time didn’t come, because she lost her baby.”

Patient: “Oh, [My Name!] Why did you tell me that?! Now I feel bad!“

(Can’t have that, can we?)

A Sixth Sense That It’s The Sixth Month
AUSTRALIA, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MEDICAL OFFICE, MELBOURNE, RECEPTION, STUPID, VICTORIA | HEALTHY | JUNE 21, 2018
(I have a bad cold and need a medical certificate for work. I go to the walk-in clinic in my area, and the receptionist asks for my public health care card. I pass it to her.)

Receptionist: “Do you have a current one?”

Me: “Isn’t that current?”

Receptionist: “It’s expired; I can’t accept it.”

Me: “What? I haven’t gotten a new one yet.”

Receptionist: *she flips it around to show me, and taps on the expiry date*

Me: “Um, that’s not expired.”

Receptionist: *she taps it again*

Me: “That says 07-18.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “It’s June.”

Receptionist: “Yep.”

Me: “June is the sixth month.”

Receptionist: “Wait.” *she checks something on her computer* “SO IT IS! Okay, the wait is currently half an hour; take a seat and we will call you when you’re up!”

Me: “Thanks.”

Receptionist: “And keep an eye out in the mail for your new card!”

Me: “I will!”