Holistic Medicine and the Western Medical Tradition

I’m Afraid I Can’t Allow You To Speak To Dave
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | JUNE 25, 2013
(I work in the debt recovery department of a national mail order company. The department is small, and the only white men are our senior managers, neither of whom are connected to the telephone system in any way. All the other men are Asian, and have traditional Asian names. I am female, and have quite a high-pitched voice. About half an hour after dealing with a perfectly nice, male customer, he calls back and gets me again.)

Me: “Hello, sir! You’re speaking to [My Name] again. How can I help you?”

Customer: *yelling* “I was talking to Dave earlier, and he’s completely f***** everything up!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; you must be mistaken. You spoke to me earlier, and your payment plan was sorted out. We agreed to—”

Customer: “I’ve never spoken to you! I spoke to Dave! I want you to transfer me to him so he can sort this s*** out!”

Me: “Sir, please refrain from swearing. I can assure you, you did not speak to ‘Dave.’ There is no one here by that name. You spoke to me at [time] this afternoon.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a f****** liar?”

Me: “Sir, please stop using language like that, otherwise I will have to terminate this call. I think you might be mistaking us for another company you may have called today. Not only is there no-one called ‘Dave,’ but my user ID is the only one to access your account in the last month, and I recall speaking to you earlier.”

(The customer starts screaming so loud, I turn the volume down on my headset. My colleagues are getting distracted by the noise, and even my manager is peering over at me. Eventually he stops for breath.)

Me: “Sir, there is no point in me lying to you, as you clearly don’t believe me. Why would I make my life and yours difficult by continuing to ‘lie’ to you? Also, the idea that I could be mistaken for a man is… Well, I don’t even…”

(At this point, my colleagues are all either laughing, or trying not to because they’re on the phone to other customers. My manager’s eyes have gone wide.)

Manager: “Hang up, and I’ll call him back.”

(I do as I’m told. Two minutes later, my manager comes over, grinning widely.)

Manager: “He admitted straight away he might have been wrong, and paid up.”

One Headache Deserves Another
LEARNING | MAY 8, 2013
(I’ve been having a horrible day due to a failed test, an hour of sleep, and a headache. I get to my Economics class, where I get along well with everyone except for an annoying kid.)

Annoying Kid: “SENIOR POWER! UH RAH RAH!”

Me: “[Annoying Kid], can you please be quiet? I’m trying to work.”

(The annoying kid continues screaming and starts singing the school song.)

Me: “[Annoying Kid], please be quiet. I have a bit of a headache and you aren’t making it better.”

(The annoying kid starts yelling to his friend that sits right next to him, who yells back.)

Me: “[Annoying Kid]!”

Annoying Kid: “You’re so mean and uptight!”

(Finally I’m fed up and I grab my book and wack him hard on the back of his head. The room gets extremely quiet.)

Me: “Would you idiots shut up, grow up and be a little more respectful of others?”

Annoying Kid: “Oh, [my name]! Why are you so mean? You might have given me a concussion!”

(At this point, our teacher walks in.)

Annoying Kid: “Miss [Teacher]! [My name] hit my head and gave me a concussion!”

Teacher: *looks between him and I* “D***, I wish I had seen it.”

An Eye-Opening Experience
MEDICAL OFFICE | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 8, 2015
(I get a splinter of metal in my eye. I go to the local eye doctor. I have an extremely strong blink reflex and even my old eye doctor had to have someone else hold it open to put drops in.)

Local Doctor: “You have a small sliver of metal in your eye.” *begins to explain how he’s going to remove it*

Me: “Okay, but I do have a strong blink reflex. I can’t control it.”

(The doctor just nods and starts setting up. Finally he begins to work and is getting frustrated that every time he gets close to my eye it closes.)

Local Doctor: “Stop blinking! This is taking far longer than it should.”

Me: “I warned you about my reflex. I don’t know what you want me to do. I can’t control it!”

(The doctor begins yelling at me about how I can control it. Tells me to look everywhere then yells at me that I am doing just that. Finally another doctor comes in to find out what’s going on.)

Local Doctor: “She won’t stop blinking. This would have taken two seconds but she’s being difficult.”

(The other doctor then pushes the other out of the way and grabs a bottle of something. Holding my eye open he puts drops in my eye. Then he sits down and waits a few minutes testing the reflex while he waits. After a bit of time he finally grabs his tool and pulls out the splinter without much fuss while he holds my eye open with the other hand.)

New Doctor: *to Local Doctor* “Reflexes are not controllable. You have many tools here to keep eyes open and instead you chose to scream at her. Next time just pass off a “blinker” to me.”

(I thanked the new doctor for his help and when I saw him and his kids at the carnival the next day he called me ‘”blinker” and he got a free toy for his kids!)

Urine Need Of Training Yourself
BOOKSTORE | RIGHT | JUNE 27, 2012
(Our store is in a shopping mall, so we don’t have public restrooms like most of our chain locations. Since the mall has restrooms conveniently located across the hall, we usually don’t have any problems. This day, a customer runs into our store holding her three-year-old son’s hand.)

Customer: “Where’s your bathroom?”

Me: “We actually don’t have one, but there’s one right over—”

Customer: “What do you mean you don’t have a bathroom? My son needs to go immediately!”

Me: “There’s a public restroom right across the hall over there.”

Customer: “I don’t have time to get him over there! I need you to let us use yours!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. But really, the restroom is right across the hall—”

Customer: “MY SON IS ABOUT TO PEE HIS PANTS! He’s still being potty trained and can’t hold it for very long!”

(To my surprise, another customer who has overheard the conversation speaks in our defense.)

Another Customer: “Are you crazy, lady? There’s a bathroom not thirty feet away! You’re going to let your poor son wet himself so you can argue with this man? You should be ashamed of yourself!”

Making A Hug(e) Difference
CLOTHING STORE, EDITORS' CHOICE, INSPIRATIONAL | RIGHT | MAY 26, 2011
(I’m having a very bad day, having dealt with a series of unpleasant customers. I have a half-hearted smile on my face, when a six year old boy walks in. He stares at me for a second, then gives me a hug.)

Me: “Thanks, but where is your mommy?”

Boy: “She’ll be here soon.”

Me: “She might not want you hugging random strangers.”

(He shakes his head.)

Boy: “Mommy says retail people need more hugs. You looked like you needed one.”

This Chicken Has Flown The Coop
SILLY, USA, ZOO | RIGHT | AUGUST 4, 2008
(Working at the zoo, I hear a lot of strange things from visitors…)

Me: *feeds chickens*

Older Man: “Oh, you’re a bus stop!”

Me: “Huh?”

Older Man: “A bus stop! You’re a bus stop, aren’t you?”

Me: “?”

Woman: “No, she’s not a bus stop.”

Older Man: “…oh.”

Me: *completely at a loss*

How To Strike Out 101
BIZARRE, HARASSMENT, LIBRARY, USA | RIGHT | JULY 8, 2009
(I’m female, and one day a male patron walks up to me.)

Patron: “Can you look up information on gonorrhea for me?”

Me: “Sure…”

(I start searching in various databases when I suddenly feel the patron caressing my knee.)

Patron: “You’re doing such a good job!”

Me: “…”

Way Better Than What Neelix Can Cook Up
BUTCHER, EDITORS' CHOICE, GEEKS RULE, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, PENNSYLVANIA, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 12, 2018
(My mom has been going to the same small-town butcher shop for over twenty years. This allows her to make the occasional… interesting order.)

Mom: “Hi. I’d like to order a turkey for roasting and four extra full turkey legs. And can you make sure that’s two left legs and two right legs?”

Employee: “Um, okay, we can do that. But only if you promise to tell us why!”

Mom: “I will when I come in to pick them up, I promise!”

(A couple days later, her order is in and she goes to pick it up.)

Employee: “So, about that explanation…”

Mom: “We’re having a Star Trek-themed dinner party. We’re going to skewer the extra legs onto each side of the turkey and tell our guests it’s an extraterrestrial ‘turkey beetle.'”

Employee: “That is probably the best thing I have ever heard.”

(Somewhere in one of my parents’ old photo albums is a picture of them in Starfleet uniforms, proudly showing off their assembled and roasted “turkey beetle”

Parlez-snooze Francais
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | MAY 5, 2013
(I’m a French teacher at a high school. There’s a girl who is notoriously late for class and when she does come, she goes straight to sleep. Strangely, her work is always done and she aces her tests so I let her be until this exchange occurs.)

Me: “Bonjour.”

Students: “Bonjour, Madame.”

(I begin taking attendance and the girl slips into the room and into her desk, mumbling a quick “Bonjour” as she passes me.)

Me: “Today we’re going to be splitting up into groups and reading the first section of the novel and—”

Girl: “Madame, I have a slight problem.”

Me: “Yes?”

Girl: *in French* “I hate all of my classmates.”

Me: “You know this is a French III class, right?”

Girl: “I guarantee you that nobody in this room aside from you understood me.”

Me: *in French* “Class, what did Mademoiselle [name] say?”

(There’s an awkward pause and some whispering but nobody volunteers an answer so I repeat my question in English. Once again there’s nothing.)

Me: “How do you guys do your work?”

Boy: “A translator.”

Me: *to girl* “Work by yourself, dear.”

(After that I moved her into a higher French class that actually wanted to learn. She never fell asleep in my class again.)

Instigating A Related Incident
HOME | RELATED | AUGUST 12, 2013
(My next-door neighbour is one of those ‘small-man, big-ego’ types. He likes to think that he is in charge of our street. Seeing as we’ve recently moved in, he thinks he can easily get his way with us. We don’t bite. Because of this, he has been harassing my parents for a year now. He has previously kicked our dog, and forced his way into our house to threaten my parents. He constantly tells lies about us to our other neighbours, and has told builders working on his house that they can feel free to park on our driveway and be rude to us. I am at my grandma’s house after school and my dad bursts in. He is in tears.)

Dad: “I was just coming home from work and [neighbour] started making threats at me. I ignored him and he started yelling abuse. Then he forced his way into my car and grabbed me by my collar. He was screaming in my face so I got out, but he followed me and pinned me against the car. His kids were watching! He was doing this in front of his kids! I pushed him off and got back into the car and came here. I don’t know what to do. If I go home, he’ll still be there waiting for me!”

Grandma: “Please call the police!”

Dad: “I can’t! That’s what he wants, and he’ll just get off anyway! He was yelling it in my face, ‘Call the police, you p****! Call the police! They won’t get me! Just try it!’ He was shoving his phone at me, trying to get me to do it.”

(My granddad and uncle leave quietly, and return around half an hour later.)

Granddad: “Don’t worry, son. He won’t bother you any more. Trust me.”

(It turns out they’d gone back to our house to talk to my neighbour. When they got there, he started screaming at them and making threats. When he tried to slam the door on my granddad, he grabbed him by his shirt front, and proceeded to give him the beating he deserved. My 66-year-old, diabetic granddad, who has to take over 20 tablets a day for various health problems, beat the man who has been making my parents’ lives miserable. When one of the neighbour’s friends tries to have a go at my granddad, my uncle beats him off with a single swing. My neighbour calls the police. My uncle is taken into custody by police for assault with a weapon, but is released and given community service. He tells us that it’s worth it. My family gives evidence, but unfortunately the neighbour isn’t arrested as we retaliated. A week or so after the event, my grandma sits down with me to make sure I’m not too traumatised by what happened.)

Grandma: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I don’t know. I hate being at home now; just the knowledge that he’s only next door really scares me.”

Grandma: “Don’t you ever think like that. You know that if he ever tries anything like that again, your granddad and uncle will take care of him. He knows it too. [Uncle] has said it before; he would go to prison if that’s what it’d take to defend us. He’d die to protect you and [little sister]. So don’t let that idiot scare you. This family looks out for each other. That’s what we do.”

(Surprisingly, the neighbour never bothers us again!)

Come To Work To Make A Name For Yourself
RESTAURANT | WORKING | MAY 20, 2014
(For whatever reason, there’s a stash of name tags in our restaurant’s office. Occasionally, I’ll pick out one to wear for the day and go by that name with all of my customers. On this day, I picked out a male name, which also happens to be the name of another coworker. We look nothing alike: He is tall, heavy-set, and dark haired, while I’m a very petite, light haired female.)

Customer: “Your name is [Male Coworker]? That’s very unusual!”

Me: “Yeah, I get that a lot.”

Customer: *pointing at male coworker* “Isn’t he also [Male Coworker]?”

Me: *deadpan* “Yeah, he’s actually my twin brother. He was such a big baby they couldn’t see on the ultrasounds that I was in there, too. Our parents got a huge surprise when I was born three minutes later. They didn’t have another name picked out, so they just named us both [Male Coworker]!”

Customer: “Really?! That’s quite interesting! How did you guys know which one they were yelling for when you were growing up?”

Me: “Well, it was usually both of us because we were always getting into trouble together. But, parents always seem to mix up their kids’ names, so our parents actually had it a little easier than most.”

Customer: “Huh, I never thought of it like that.”

Me: “All right. Well, let me know if you need anything. As you know, my name is [Male Coworker]!”

(I recounted the episode to my coworker and we had a good laugh over it. I ended up telling the story at least three more times that day and not a single person questioned me.)

Turning Right Is Apparently Wrong
CAMP | RIGHT | JUNE 26, 2014
(I work in a campground that is just outside of the city limits. We are off a highway that has the ‘Welcome to our city’ sign on it, and which is the only way in or out of the city for miles. A customer comes in with a GPS.)

Customer: “I’d like to get into the city. What should I program into the GPS?”

Me: “Oh, it’s quite simple, just exit the campground and turn right. The highway leads into the city.”

Customer: “But what should I program into the GPS?”

Me: “Are you looking for a particular location?”

Customer: “No, I just want to get into the city itself. Can you tell my GPS what directions it should give me?”

Me: “All you have to do is turn right and follow the highway. You won’t need your GPS. Once you pass the ‘Welcome’ sign you should begin to see buildings.”

Customer: “But how do I get into the city? I need my GPS to tell me what to do!”

(I give up, and program the GPS with the coordinates of a gas station just past the ‘Welcome’ sign.)

GPS: “Turn right. In five kilometers, you will reach your destination.”

Customer: “Hey, the city is just down the road! You could have just told me to turn right!”

Likely To Cause IRE (Ironic Resourceful Ethics)
BOOKS & READING, FUNNY, LIBRARY, LOUISIANA, NEW ORLEANS, STUDENTS, USA | RIGHT | MAY 3, 2010
(I am working near a copy station, and a woman comes up with a large stack of papers.)

Customer: “Do you have any zip ties to bind this with?”

Me: “Sure, here.”

(As she binds the papers, I see the word “Ethics” on the first page.)

Me: “Oh, is this for an ethics class?”

Customer: “Yes! I didn’t want to pay for the book, so I photocopied it. Do you think the professor is going to like how resourceful I am?”

Me: “I’m sure you’ll have a very lively discussion about it.”

Making Phoney Claims
CALIFORNIA, COFFEE SHOP, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, FUNNY, SARCASM, USA, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 10, 2010
(A female customer has just left the store after receiving her order. She then returns, extremely agitated.)

Customer: “My phone is missing!”

Me: “Did you leave it in the store?”

Customer: “Of course not! I’m not stupid. It was in my car!”

Me: “I’m sorry, no one’s turned in a phone.”

(The customer then proceeds to search all over the not-exactly-large shop, including overturning the wastebasket in the restroom and questioning other patrons. Meanwhile, I take my rather expensive touch-screen phone to check the time.)

Customer: “Hey, that’s my phone!”

Me: “No, it’s not. It’s mine.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! People who work someplace like this can’t afford phones like that! Is that why you made my order take so long? So you could steal my phone?”

Me: “Are you saying while your coffee was being made, I snuck out the back door, ran around the building, found the one car in the parking lot that belonged to you, broke in, stole your phone, and got back in time to help the next customer in line?”

Customer: “So you admit it! I’m calling the police!”

Meanwhile In Oklahoma
HARDWARE STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 21, 2011
(I ring up a customer, who pays with debit. Shortly after I give him the debit machine to go through the prompts.)

Customer: “Oh, it seems to have cancelled the transaction.”

Me: “No problem. We’ll just start over.”

(I swipe his card again and hand him the machine.)

Customer: “See, here’s where I went wrong.”

(He shows me the screen. It says ‘Purchase: 8.50$ OK?’ Underneath, the left button is indicated as ‘OK’, and the right as ‘CAN’ for ‘cancel’.)

Me: “So, did you press OK to approve the transaction?”

Customer: “I thought CAN meant Canada!”

Sweet (Tea) Out Of (Pot) Luck
FAST FOOD, HOLIDAYS, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, JERK | RIGHT | DECEMBER 24, 2009
(We are having our annual Christmas party/potluck dinner one Sunday night at our fast food restaurant. I’ve placed signs showing we are closed and have blocked off the drive-thru. One of my fellow employees notices a man standing at the counter.)

Me: “Hi, sir, can I help you with something?”

Customer: “I have been standing here for five minutes and I haven’t been helped! Give me a number one with a sweet tea.”

Me: “Well, we are closed on Sundays. This is our Christmas Party.”

Customer: “Closed? All the lights are on!”

Me: “Yes, we need them for the party.”

Customer: “I have never heard of such a thing. So I can’t get that number one?”

Me: “No, sir. All of our machines are off. We are closed.”

Customer: “What about a sweet tea?”

Me: “Sir, we are closed. We don’t have anything we can give to customers.”

(The customer sees our buffet-style employee potluck.)

Customer: “Well, can I get a plate?”

Has No Heart For Your Condition
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, FLORIDA, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 15, 2018
(My father was recently diagnosed with a genetic heart condition, and his doctors want all of his children to be checked for the condition. I make an appointment with my doctor so I can get a referral to a cardiologist.)

Doctor: “What are you here for today?”

Me: “My father was just diagnosed with [heart condition], and his doctors have ordered all of his kids to be tested for it. I just need a referral to a cardiologist.”

Doctor: “You’re way too young to be worrying about that. A heart condition wouldn’t affect you right now.”

Me: *initially speechless* “Well, I’d rather get the tests done so it isn’t a problem later.”

Doctor: “As I said, you’re too young. I’ll see you back in a few months for your annual.”

(The doctor left. Needless to say, that doctor did not see me back again. When the practice asked why I was attempting to switch doctors — something they usually don’t allow — I happily told them the whole story and requested that it be put on the doctor’s file as an official complaint. I eventually got the referral and did not have the genetic condition, but they did find a minor issue that just needed to be noted and checked every few years.)

Has More Than Just Teething Problems
BAD BEHAVIOR, DENTIST, PATIENTS, PENNSYLVANIA, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 14, 2018
(My dad is a dentist, and his office is a suite attached to the house. As a child, I am home sick from school, and Dad is with a patient. The door to the office chimes, followed by a long bang. By the time his hygienist comes out to check, the waiting room is empty. Meanwhile, I wake up to a man standing at the foot of my bed. I yell in a panic, and he looks strangely at me, and then puts a hand to his cheek.)

Patient: “I know my appointment isn’t until tomorrow, but this is killing me. Can you fit me in today?”

(Sick and scared, I kept yelling until my dad came running in, still wearing his mask. The patient had walked into the waiting room and, finding it empty, had broken down the door between the office and the house. Then, he had wandered through the house until he found the ten-year-old asleep in bed, and tried to reschedule his appointment. My father was furious and refused to work on him. The guy was surprised.)

“The Adventures Of Harold, Benjy, And Carmen” Sounds Awesome
COLORADO, HOSPITAL, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, PATIENTS, THERAPIST, USA | HEALTHY | AUGUST 13, 2018
(I’m in a short-term rehab center, recovering from surgery. A speech therapist comes in with a form in her hands.)

Therapist: “Good morning! I’ll just take a couple of minutes here to see how your speech and language skills are, all right?”

Me: “I suppose.”

(I teach special needs, and immediately recognize the form; it’s the mental acuity screener. BAH!)

Therapist: “Can you tell me where you are?”

(This goes on for awhile, and I’m getting irritated.)

Therapist: “Now, would you name these three animals?”

(She shows me sketch of a lion, an elephant, and a hippo.)

Me: “How about Harold, Benjy, and Carmen?”

Therapist: *silent*

Me: “Well, the task as phrased was to name the animals. If it were stated correctly, you would have asked me to identify the animals, and I would have told you they were a lion, elephant, and hippo.”

Therapist: *silent, but grinning*

Me: “And the number they told me to remember when I had this identical screening in the hospital was 74.”

The Seated Dead
HEALTH & BODY, LIARS/SCAMMERS, RETAIL, USA, WASHINGTON | HEALTHY | AUGUST 12, 2018
(I work as the customer service manager for a furniture store. While I am at lunch they make a sale of a chair from the floor. Floor sales are final. I get back from lunch and the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help?”

Customer: “I was in earlier and bought a chair off your floor for my husband. I got home and my son told me he had the same one, so I want my money back.”

Me: *not knowing if it was special order or from the floor* “Let me check your order.”

(I pull up the invoice and see that it’s a floor item, and that she also signed the paperwork acknowledging that the sale was final.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but you purchased this from the floor. All floor sales are final.”

Customer: “But my son has the same one. I bought this for my husband so he can be comfortable, because he’s going through chemo and it’s hard for him. I don’t want the chair anymore! You have to give me my money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you and your husband are going through that, but you signed the paperwork acknowledging that this was a final sale.”

Customer: “You have to give me my money back! I want to speak to your manager!”

(I wave the manager over and she tells the woman the same thing. The customer huffs but gets off the phone. The next day

Me: *answers the phone* “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help?”

Customer: *from yesterday* “I bought a chair and don’t want it anymore. Give me a refund.”

Me: “Ma’am, as we explained yesterday, all floor sales are final. You agreed to this and signed the paperwork.”

Customer: *bursts into tears* “But I bought that chair to make things easier for my husband and he just died!”

(I can’t help but think, “Right, because the first thing I’d do after my husband passed would be to get a refund on a chair.”)

Me: “Let me get the manager.”

(I pass the phone to my manager who talks to the woman for about five minutes and decides it’s easier to just give her the refund. A couple months later, I answer the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help?”

Customer: *with the chair* “Listen, [Manager], I’m looking at my statement and the money hasn’t been refunded yet. I want my money back!”

Me: “This isn’t [Manager]; this is [My Name].”

(Before I can say anything else, she cuts me off.)

Customer: “Well, I want my money back. I’m having to drive my husband to and from chemo all the time, and I’m financially hurting. Get me my money!”

(I pass the phone to my manager, who talks for a few minutes and hangs up.)

Manager: *to me* “I thought her husband died?”

Me: “It’s a miracle!”