(Regrettably, our local university is the main reason that county STD rates are the second-highest in the state (the highest-ranking county is home to a naval base). Outbreaks are common and rather a grim joke with local healthcare providers. The county has purchased a new emergency radio system and one of their officers has arrived to train our staff on how to use the equipment.)
Instructor: “The great thing about this system is that it is linked to over two hundred towers, state-wide. This means that if you need to, you can communicate not only throughout the county, but with other jurisdictions as well. For example; let’s say you have to set up some kind of emergency clinic at the University for… I don’t know, what’s an epidemic that the students might experience there?”
Me: *without thinking* “Probably chlamydia.”
(My boss shushed me, but our director of nursing almost fell off her chair from laughing so hard.)
Bad Behavior, Medical Office, Patients, UK | Healthy | April 24, 2018
(I work for the UK National Health Service. This particular branch receives referrals for patients, and my job is to phone the patients to offer our service and get more info on their health, lifestyle, etc. Because of the nature of the branch, most people I speak to are in their 70s to 90s — and a few older! — but I do get the occasional younger person. I can see from this particular patient’s file that she is in her mid-30s.)
Me: “Good morning. Is this Mrs. [Patient]?”
Patient: *deep, gravelly voice* “Yes.”
(I am shocked because she is in her 30s, but she sounds at least 89.)
Me: “I’m calling from—” *quickly explains service and what we offer*
Patient: *almost before I finish speaking* “Yes, please. Anything to help.”
Me: “Fantastic. I’ll just go through a few some questions about your health, and we’ll see what would be best for you.”
(I begin with the standard questions, and she tells me the medical conditions she suffers from, which include severe COPD and bronchitis — evidenced by her gravelly voice and breathlessness when she talks. She has several other conditions; in short, she’s generally not in good health.)
Me: “Do you smoke?”
Patient: “Yes. About 60 a day.”
Me: *bangs forehead against desk*
(The job required I ask if she wanted help in stopping, but I knew before she even answered that she was going to refuse. I guess she wasn’t as desperate about her referral as she said she was. I left that temp post two weeks later.)
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A Bad Joke, No De-Nile
Medical Office, Punny, USA, Washington | Healthy | April 23, 2018
(I schedule appointments at an OB/GYN office. One day, a woman calls in needing to be seen; she has just learned she is about three months pregnant.)
Patient: “I thought I had food poisoning or something from my trip to see the pyramids, but my symptoms lasted so long I thought I should take a pregnancy test. Positive! I’m so excited!”
Me: *hardly able to contain myself that I can use this joke* “Sounds like you did catch something on your trip. You have the Egyptian flu: you’re going to be a mummy!”
Call Center, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, UK | Healthy | April 22, 2018
(I am seventeen years old, and claim disability benefit. Part of my autism means that I cannot speak over the phone — I literally start shaking and have a panic attack if my phone so much as starts ringing. Usually this is not a problem, as my mum will talk for me if it’s an urgent call, and the words, “Does not speak on phone,” are plastered all over my documents and disability claim form. Unfortunately, though, we’ve had some variation of this conversation too many times.)
Caller: “Hello, this is [Disability Allowance]. What can we do for you today?”
Mum: “Hi, I’m calling on behalf of my daughter.” *explains problem*
Caller: “Okay, [My Name]—”
Mum: “No, I’m her mother.”
Caller: “You’re not [My Name]?”
Mum: “No.”
Caller: “Oh, okay. Who are you? Are you the power of attorney?”
Mum: “No, I’m just her mother. She can speak for herself, just not over the phone.”
Caller: “That’s not allowed. We have to speak to [My Name].”
Mum: “But she can’t—”
Caller: “We’re not allowed to have this discussion with you without her direct consent, even if you are a blood relative. Is she there?”
Mum: “Yes, but—”
Caller: “Please pass us over to [My Name], or I will have to terminate this call. All she needs to do is give consent for you to talk on her behalf.”
Mum: *giving me an apologetic look* “So, let me get this straight… You want my autistic daughter to talk to you over the phone, to tell you she can’t talk over the phone?“
Brazil, Drug Store, Jerk, Pets & Animals | Healthy | April 21, 2018
(I go to a human drugstore to get a new insulin vial for my diabetic cat, since his last one is expired. He’s been diagnosed and treated for four months now, and I have been handling his insulin shots every day, twice a day, ever since. I bring the old box with me, so I’m sure I’ll get the right one. In Brazil, you can have insulin over the counter, no prescriptions needed. Also, every drugstore has a fidelity card that offers discounts, and most of the health cares have partnerships that give you discounts; you just have to show your health care card. A third way to get a discount — a big one — is when you register with the manufacturer; it’s a long form you have to fill, with your doctor’s information, treatment details, etc.)
Me: “Hi, I’d like a small vial for this insulin.” *hands the box* “I also would like to check both fidelity and health care discounts.”
Employee: *cheerful* “You know, you could get the manufacturer’s discount for it.”
Me: “Yeah, I know, but it’s for my diabetic cat, so they couldn’t take us.”
Employee: *makes weird face*
Me: *uncomfortable, trying to be cheerful* “Yeah, unfortunately they didn’t accept felines for that. That’s a ‘humans-only’ kind of benefit.”
Employee: *goes to hand me the vial, backs off, looking at me as if I’m a child* “You know this needs to be kept on the fridge, right?”
Me: “Yeah, I know. I also need a ten-pack of syringes.”
Employee: *still making the weird face* “Syringes for what?”
Me: “Uh, insulin. I need the smaller ones, because he only takes two units at a time.”
Employee: *proceeds to teach me how to use the syringes, very patronizingly, ignoring the fact that I may know how to do it since I just gave her an empty box of insulin* “What gauge size you need?”
Me: “I never had to choose between gauge sizes, but since he’s a cat, I believe the smaller ones.”
Employee: “What size is he?”
Me: “Uh, cat size? About four kilos.”
Employee: *weird face*
Me: “Sooo, I guess I’ll take the small ones.”
Employee: *reluctantly gives me my stuff, still looking at me as if I was committing a crime*
Health & Body, High School, Students, Teachers, Texas, USA | Healthy | April 20, 2018
(I’m in anatomy and physiology class, self-grading a test we just did on the cardiovascular system. Since everyone’s grading their tests as a class, the teacher is going over the questions and answers aloud. As is the case on every test, some of the answers are flexible, as long as she can understand what you were trying to refer to.)
Teacher: “Numbers 52 and 53: what instruments are used to measure blood pressure? ‘Stethoscope,’ and I’ll take, ‘blood pressure cuff.’ If you said, ‘sphygmomanometer,’ I’ll take that, too.”
New York, Pharmacy, Rude & Risque, USA | Healthy | April 19, 2018
(I have just started my first job at a local pharmacy and convenience store, and it is my third day of training. I am standing behind the counter with an older coworker of mine. We hear the door open, and look over.)
Customer: *quickly walks through the doors and to the other end of the floor, where the pharmacy is*
Me: *looking at my coworker* “Was she…”
Coworker: *taking a sip of an energy drink* “…not wearing any pants? Welcome to the job, kid.”
Bad Behavior, Dentist, France, Patients | Healthy | April 18, 2018
(I study dentistry in France, where you work at a dental clinic starting on your fourth year. Every half day, you’re in a different service. For example, on Tuesday mornings, I take care of cavities and the like, and on Friday afternoons I remove teeth. To remove a tooth, you obviously have to anesthetize the patient locally, and, for medical reasons, you cannot do that if the patient has taken drugs recently — especially cocaine — or you could cause them to have a heart attack. Although it is a rare occurrence and most likely wouldn’t happen anyway, we still can’t knowingly inject a drugged patient with adrenalin, which is part of our anesthesiant. A patient I know from a different service comes to have a tooth removed. Since I’ve already seen him and his file, I know he is a drug addict. On this particular day, he is acting very “twitchy.”)
Me: *after five minutes of chatting about the treatment I already performed on him while we set up the operation table* “So, have you taken any drugs lately?”
Patient: “You have to be more precise; I’ve been on drugs my entire life!”
Me: “Hm, how about that last week?”
Patient: “Sure.”
Me: “What have you taken?”
Patient: “A bit of everything, really.”
Me: “What about cocaine?”
Patient: “Oh, yeah.”
Me: “In the last three days?”
Patient: *more or less jokingly* “Are you the police? Why are you questioning me?”
Me: “Well, sir, I can’t anesthetize you if you’ve taken cocaine recently; that could cause you to have a heart attack. I personally don’t care; it’s for your sake. So, when’s the last time you’ve taken cocaine?”
Patient: “Hm… Half an hour ago.”
(I resisted the urge to face-palm and informed the patient that I could not legally or ethically remove his tooth. He told me that he had come plenty of times, been anesthetized and never had any issue, but I still refused and sent him away. I told him to come back clean after the weekend and wrote about the incident in his file, warning the next student to check whether he is clean or not. He will probably come back high as a kite and just lie about having taken anything, but at least it will not be my responsibility, then.)
California, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, Sacramento, Students, USA | Healthy | April 17, 2018
(I am 37 weeks pregnant and am having an ultrasound on my baby to monitor his kidneys, which are enlarged, but otherwise healthy. A very nice student tech is doing the ultrasound under the watchful eye of the attending OB/GYN and the supervising tech, who are viewing the video in the next room. The student is being very careful and thorough, trying to get good pictures of every structure, and is taking a LONG time. Finally, the supervising ultrasound tech comes in, cackling, and addresses the student.)
Supervisor: “Dr. [OB] says if you keep her in here much longer, she’s going to have to deliver her right on this table.”
(She wasn’t too far off; I went into labor shortly afterward!)
Food & Drink, Indiana, Medical Office, Nurses, USA | Healthy | April 16, 2018
(I have recently gotten pregnant with my first child, and am at my OB/GYN having an initial consult with a nurse practitioner who appears to be in her mid-50s. We are going over restrictions now that I’m pregnant. My family are avid fishermen, and my husband and I regularly eat the freshwater fish we catch.)
Nurse Practitioner: “Here’s a pamphlet on fish and seafood. Research has really helped recently, so there’s a comprehensive list of what types of fish are safe and which ones you should limit.”
Me: *looking over list, and noticing it’s only ocean fish* “Okay, but what about freshwater fish? Are there risks or restrictions on those?”
Nurse Practitioner: “It should be on the list; they have types listed there.”
Me: “No, I know, but these are all ocean fish: salmon, tuna, cod, etc. I’m talking about freshwater fish. My family and I catch and eat locally, and at our cabin in Minnesota:perch, bluegill, northern pike. Are those okay?”
Nurse Practitioner: “I’ve literally never had anyone ask me that.”
Me: “Really?”
Nurse Practitioner: “I guess I don’t get many patients who fish! I’d say it’d be okay to eat those as long as you ensure that they’re cooked thoroughly.”
(It surprised me that in a rural area, a nurse practitioner with that much experience wouldn’t have come across that before!)
Bizarre, Germany, Medical Office, Patients | Healthy | April 13, 2018
(I’m standing at the reception desk of my doctor’s office when suddenly I hear a woman yell
Woman: “I don’t have blood anymore!”
(I do a mental double-take since the receptionist seems completely unfazed.)
Woman: “Mrs. [Receptionist]! I don’t have blood anymore!”
(The receptionist looks up, smiling benevolently. Just as I start to wonder what the heck is going on, a female doctor’s assistant walks up to the reception desk, trailed by a courier carrying a sealed box.)
Doctor’s Assistant: “Mrs. [Receptionist], the courier is here; all the blood samples will be sent out now.”
(Finally, it clicked. So, there wasn’t a vampire phlebotomist on the loose!)
Awesome Workers, British Columbia, Canada, Medical Office, Patients, Victoria, Volunteer | Healthy | April 11, 2018
(I donate blood regularly. One time, when they insert the needle, I immediately feel lightheaded for a second or two. Since I have not yet lost more than a few drops of blood, definitely not enough to cause a significant loss of blood pressure, I assume it was just a psychosomatic reaction to having such a large needle inserted, shrug it off, and decide to continue with the draw. A few minutes later, it comes back again, and with a vengeance.)
Me: *raising hand shakily* “Um… Excuse me?”
(I immediately have three technicians surrounding me.)
Technician: “Are you okay?”
Me: “I’m feeling a bit lightheaded.”
(They spring into action, immediately removing the needle. One of them reclines my seat so my feet are elevated above my head, one goes to grab damp cloths, which they drape over every inch of exposed skin I have, and one goes to grab me a juice box to increase my blood sugar. After a while, the seat is returned to its regular position, and they continue feeding me juice. I am eventually allowed to go to the recovery area, with two people escorting in case I pass out on the way. Once I sit down, I call my friend who I was supposed to meet to tell her I’ll be delayed. Partway through the conversation, I hear running steps behind me, then feel a hand on my shoulder. I look up to see a woman with a very concerned expression, who looks at me for a moment and then laughs.)
Volunteer: “Oh, you’re on your cell phone! I thought you were talking to yourself!”
Me: “Oh, no. I’m just letting my friend know I’m going to be late.”
Volunteer: “Oh, good.”
Friend: “What was that?”
Me: “Oh, the volunteer thought I was talking to myself. Can you imagine that? ‘Oh, great! First he nearly passes out, and now he’s hallucinating!'”
(They eventually let me go, and I was only 30 minutes late to meet my friend. Fortunately, while everything was going on, one of the techs mentioned I had filled most of a bag, and when I asked if it could still be used, he assured me it could.)
Hospital, Ignoring & Inattentive, Nurses, UK | Healthy | April 9, 2018
(A group of friends and I have been out drinking. Someone in the last pub becomes belligerent after the barman cuts him off. Things happen, and we end up in A&E after one friend — very drunk by this point — gets glassed in the face. As his boyfriend, I have the pleasure of sitting beside him while a nurse is stitching him up.)
Boyfriend: “Am I going to die?”
Nurse: “Yes.”
Boyfriend: “WHAT? OH, GOD!”
Me: “Is it that serious? Shouldn’t he be in surgery or something?”
Nurse: “What? Sorry, I have to concentrate. You wanted a drink, right? I could get you a glass of water.”
Me: “No, he asked if he was dying.”
Nurse: *looking mortified* “Oh, no. You can go after we’re done.”
Hospital, Nurses, Ohio, Patients, USA | Healthy | April 8, 2018
(I am going through the screening questions before a surgery for which I will have to be anesthetized.)
Nurse: “Do you smoke?”
Me: “No.”
Nurse: “Do you drink alcohol?”
Me: “Occasionally.”
Nurse: “How often?”
Me: “Once or twice per month.”
Nurse: *skips the usual, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”* “Now, I don’t care if you are the Virgin Mary; we’re going to need a urine sample for a pregnancy test.”
Me: “Well, if I was the Virgin Mary, that would be super important, so fair enough.”
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 7, 2018
(I have made an appointment with my general practitioner, as I have developed a skin condition on my foot that I want checked out. Please note that I am definitely overweight, but not in any way obese, and the doctor himself is visibly much more overweight than I am. When I am called through, he listens to my concern, then pulls out this gem
Doctor: “How much do you weigh?”
Me: *confused, but assuming this is part of the normal health assessment* “Um, about [weight].”
Doctor: “Okay, and what birth control are you using?”
Me: *now assuming the problem could be a side effect of some birth control types* “Oh, none. I’m not in a relationship, but if I were, we’d probably use condoms.”
Doctor: “Oh, good. You know, you really are quite overweight. It’s good you’re not sexually active. At your weight, if you fell pregnant, I’d have to force you to have an abortion.”
(This statement shocked me so badly that I froze and just sat, staring at him, as he lectured me about my weight. He advised me to try taking very small bites of my food, telling me that this method worked great for him. I left, still in a state of shock, and then realised that he did not address the problem with my feet. Another doctor later confirmed it was eczema.)
(I have just woken up from surgery. I look around the room and see my Ob/Gyn, so I decide to start a conversation.)
Me: “Are you real?”
Ob/Gyn: “Yes.”
Me: “I don’t think so! Wait, maybe you’re a ghost.”
Ob/Gyn: “I’m not a ghost.”
Me: “I bet I can stick my hand through you.” *I flop my arm over in his direction and hit him in the side* “HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!”
Ob/Gyn: “Do what?”
Me: “Block my hand.”
Ob/Gyn: “Like I said, I’m not a ghost.”
Me: “I knew it! You’re not real; this is all a dream. I think I can control it.”
(At this point, he stops talking and directs my bed into a recovery room. On the way, I hear a beeping sound, probably someone’s heart monitor going off.)
Extra Stupid, Medical Office, Patients, USA, Virginia | Healthy | April 6, 2018
(I’m the dumb patient in this story. I’m at the doctor’s office getting looked at for severe flu symptoms. I’m somewhat socially awkward, and lately have been trying to practice my small talk.)
Doctor: “So, how are you doing?”
Me: *automatic response* “Good. How are you?”
(There is a pause and the doctor shoots me a “Really?” look, as I’m sick as a dog.)
Me: “Well, not good good.”
Doctor: *jokingly* “Yeah, I think I’m probably doing better than you are right now.”
Australia, Hospital, Nurses, Patients, Perth, Silly, Western Australia | Healthy | April 5, 2018
(My mum told me about this, as I have little memory of it. I had a fall a few weeks ago where I dislocated and fractured my ankle, broke the leg, and tore the ligament. Now, I’m in hospital for day surgery in which I’ve had some pins removed from my ankle. I get wheeled into recovery. My mum and her best friend are waiting next to my bed while I wake up properly. The nurses are doing vitals checks every 10 to 15 minutes. At this stage, I’m facing mum and her friend, and I’m still fairly groggy, so this intrusion of my sleep is starting to annoy me.)
Nurse: “Hello again. Sorry to wake you, but can I get your arm please, [My Name]?”
Me: “Ugh, fiiiiine.”
(The nurse checks my blood pressure.)
Nurse: “All righty, all done.”
(The next time the nurse starts to come over, my mum tells me
Mum: “Love, the nurse is coming over.”
Me: “Please excuse my back.” *turns over as the nurse approaches and raises my arm up* “Just take the arm.”
Nurse: “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: “Take my arm back with you to do checks so I can sleep.”
(My mum, her friend, and the nurse laugh.)
Nurse: “I’m sorry, hun; I can’t do that. We’d end up with so many arms at the nurses’ station, it would become inconvenient for everyone, especially those who the arms belong to.”
(I was discharged a couple hours later. I know checking vitals is very important, but at the time sleep was way more important.)
Extra Stupid, Ignoring & Inattentive, Pets & Animals, UK, Vet | Healthy | April 4, 2018
(I am the receptionist of a local vet. We have had a woman come in saying her cat is no longer pooping. We do a check, and the cat doesn’t appear to be uncomfortable, and we can’t feel anything which would indicate a blockage. The woman is insistent that we do an ultrasound, however, and after she pays the fee, she leaves her cat with us, and we give her instructions to call us the next morning.)
Woman: “I’m calling about my cat, [Cat].”
Me: “Yes, I’ll just get the vet. He’s asked to speak to you directly.”
(I hear her sobbing hysterically as I put her on hold. Our lead vet comes out and takes the call.)
Vet: “Mrs. [Woman].”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Your cat is absolutely fine. We couldn’t find anything wrong.”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Yes, it is a mystery. However, I wonder if you could tell me: do you own a cat flap by any chance?”
Woman: *shouting* “Yes. Why?”
Vet: “Is there a chance [Cat] could be doing her business outside?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Would you mind checking your garage, then, please?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “And is the cat door locked?”
Woman: *mumbles*
Vet: “Yes, I know you said no one can get in, but if the flap isn’t locked, there is a chance [Cat] could be doing her business in there.”
Woman: *mumbles and then shouts* “OH, MY GOD! THERE’S S*** EVERYWHERE!”
Vet: “Thank you, Mrs. [Woman]. I’ll see you soon.” *hangs up*
Bizarre, Doctor/Physician, Medical Office, St Louis, USA | Healthy | April 3, 2018
(I have been diagnosed with uterine cancer, and am scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy. Unfortunately, two days before the surgery, I have emergency hernia surgery. I tell the doctor performing the hernia surgery about the cancer. When I go in for my first follow-up, he says that everything is looking good.)
Doctor: “While I was in there, I reached down and felt your uterus; it really is enlarged.”
Me: “Uh… Thanks, that’s interesting.”
(As I’m leaving, the full import of what he said finally hits. My hernia incision is above my belly button, and he REACHED DOWN INSIDE ME, and felt my uterus. I later tell a nurse about this, and her response?)
Nurse: “Surgeons are a curious lot.”
(The hysterectomy went well, and I am now cancer-free.)
Bad Behavior, Doctor/Physician, England, Ignoring & Inattentive, Medical Office, UK | Healthy | April 3, 2018
(I’ve suffered from cold sores for about six years, and normally I only get two or three a year. Over the last six months, I have had them repeatedly, one after the other, so I decide to go to my doctor. I make an appointment, but I have to wait three weeks for it — this is a pretty normal wait time for an appointment in my area.)
Me: “I read on the NHS website that if cold sores get this bad and persistent, there’s a medication that can help to treat it.”
Doctor #1 : “Why do you think you need a prescription medicine? That’s pretty drastic.”
Me: “I’ve had non-stop cold sores for six months, and that isn’t normal. The creams from the pharmacy aren’t working.”
Doctor #1 : “Yes, but lots of things cause cold sores. Sunlight, poor diet, being on your period.”
Me: “Well, I haven’t been on my period for six straight months! My diet hasn’t changed, and it’s winter, so I haven’t been in the sun.”
Doctor #1 : “It could be a response to an infection. I’ll send you for a blood test, but I don’t want to give you tablets for something so minor.”
(It takes a week to get the paperwork for the blood test — it has to be done at the hospital — a week for me to be able to get my blood tested, and another week before the results come back. I then have to wait another two weeks to see my doctor to discuss the results.)
Doctor #1 : “Your tests showed elevated white blood cells, which is a sign of infection. But I think it’s a false positive, so I’ll send you for another blood test.”
Me: “What makes you think it’s false? You said it could be an infection.”
Doctor #1 : “Well, I think you did have an infection, but it’s gone now. I’ll send you for another one and compare the results.”
(Cue ANOTHER TWO weeks of waiting for the blood test and test results.)
Receptionist: “The doctor says your blood test came back normal and he doesn’t need to see you. He says there’s nothing he can do.”
Me: “What?! That’s not right! He hasn’t done anything!”
Receptionist: *quietly speaking to me* “I recommend you see another doctor. They can look at your results and you can get a second opinion.”
(I have to wait ANOTHER THREE weeks to see a second doctor, so by this time it’s been more than eight months of cold sores.)
Doctor #2 : “”You’ve had cold sores for EIGHT MONTHS?!”
Me: “It’s been Hell; I’ve had either a sore, a scab, or a scar on my face this whole time. The creams aren’t working, I’ve tried every home remedy on Google, and I don’t know what else to do.”
Doctor #2 : “It could be a sign of something serious, but it could be nothing. Let’s have a look at your test results… Are you taking iron?”
Me: “No, why?”
Doctor #2 : “Didn’t the other doctor say anything about your iron levels?!”
Me: “He said my blood was normal.”
Doctor #2 : “It’s most certainly not normal! You have extremely low iron levels, in both sets of results. There’s a proven link between low iron and mouth sores. You just need to take an iron supplement. And I’ll give you a prescription for the cold sores, so they’ll clear up in a week or less. Your white blood cell count is still up, so I think you may need antibiotics, too.”
(Since I’ve been taking iron, I hardly have cold sores at all. And my infection cleared up, but the doctor said if it hadn’t, it could have developed into sepsis, which can be fatal. Now, whenever I make a doctor’s appointment I specifically say, “Any doctor other than [Doctor #1 ],” and from what the receptionist has since told me, lots of patients do the same.)
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