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(Regrettably, our local university is the main reason that county STD rates are the second-highest in the state (the highest-ranking county is home to a naval base). Outbreaks are common and rather a grim joke with local healthcare providers. The county has purchased a new emergency radio system and one of their officers has arrived to train our staff on how to use the equipment.)

Instructor: “The great thing about this system is that it is linked to over two hundred towers, state-wide. This means that if you need to, you can communicate not only throughout the county, but with other jurisdictions as well. For example; let’s say you have to set up some kind of emergency clinic at the University for… I don’t know, what’s an epidemic that the students might experience there?”

Me: *without thinking* “Probably chlamydia.”

(My boss shushed me, but our director of nursing almost fell off her chair from laughing so hard.)


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Old 11-30-2019   #991
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Could Have Survived That Better

Pharmacy | Working | April 30, 2016


(I work with a small mom and pop pharmacy for several years. Due to budget cuts it is necessary to layoff an employee. After discussing our options the owner decides to fire a technician who, though friendly, is relatively lazy. This is when Survivor first debuted.)

Boss: “So, [Coworker], you’ve been voted off the island.”

Coworker: “…”

Me: “…”
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Old 11-30-2019   #992
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Doesn’t Have The Drive To Study Geography

Pharmacy | Right | April 21, 2016


(As I ring up a customer’s purchases, she gets chatty.)

Customer: “My neighbor is from Puerto Rico.”

Me: “That’s neat!”

Customer: “Yeah. Have you ever been to Puerto Rico?”

Me: “No, I haven’t. It would be nice to visit, though.”

Customer: “I think I’m going to try to go with them to visit sometime.”

Me: “That sounds fun.”

Customer: “How long do you think it takes to drive to Puerto Rico?”

Me: *thinking she’s kidding* “Oh, about as long as it takes to invent a floating car.”

Customer: “Oh. So, like, a long time?”

Me: “Yeah…”
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Old 11-30-2019   #993
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Understands The Condom Minimum

Pharmacy | Right | April 21, 2016


(Working in a busy pharmacy, a teenage boy and his girlfriend came up to the counter.)

Boy: “I’m looking for the condoms.” *smiling at his girlfriend, she’s looking embarrassed*

Me: “Aisle 10, right hand side.”

Boy: “Yeah, but you see, I need some extra-large condoms. The regular ones are way too small for me.” *smirking at his girlfriend*

Me: “Seriously?”

(I stand back, heave my leg up on the counter and point to it.)

Me: “See this ankle? I recently broke it, and had a cast on. I used regular-sized condoms on it to waterproof it when I had showers. If your penis is larger than this—” *pointing to my leg still up on the counter* “—then I seriously suggest you keep it away from her—” *pointing to girlfriend* “—as it’s going to do some serious damage!”

(Both boy and girlfriend walked away without saying another word.)
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Old 11-30-2019   #994
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Trash-Talking Hits The Bottom Of The Barrel

Convenience Store, Pharmacy | Right | April 8, 2016


(I work in a city where the people have to buy city trash-bags that are expensive. We had to get rid of our trash barrel from outside the store because people started throwing away their home trash in it.)

Customer: *walking in with bag full of trash* “Do you have a barrel so I can throw away my trash?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we had to get rid of it.”

Customer: “Well, why?”

Me: “Because people started to bring their home trash to our store and leave it around our barrel because they didn’t want to buy city bags.”

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. Where am I supposed to throw away my trash?”

Me: “At home with your city bags?”
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Old 11-30-2019   #995
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You’ve Got Me In A Box Here…

Pharmacy | Right | April 7, 2016


Customer: “Hi. I need some tablets. You know the one I got last time? I didn’t come here but it comes in a box.”

Me: “…”
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Old 11-30-2019   #996
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I Can Hear You Dumb And Clear

Pharmacy | Right | March 29, 2016


(I have just started working at my local pharmacy. It’s my first time answering the phone and I’m really nervous.)

Me: “Pharmacy, this is [My Name]. Can I help you?”

Caller: “HELLO?? HELLLOOOO?”

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Caller: “HELLOOOOOOOOO.”

Me: “Hello… ma’am?”

Caller: “CAAAAAN YOUUU HEEEAR MEEEE?”

Me: *holding phone away from my ear at this point* “Loud and clear, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh, good. I just wanted to make sure my phone was working.” *click*

Me: *stares at phone*
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Old 11-30-2019   #997
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Drive-Thru Is Not Your Calling

Pharmacy | Working | March 27, 2016


(At our store we have a voice over that is triggered when someone pulls up to the drive-thru. To stop it from repeating, you have to pick up the phone and press the drive-thru button. This button is next to the regular phone button.)

Me: *after hearing someone pull up at drive-thru* “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help— You know what? Never mind. I’m on my way.”
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Didn’t See The Smoke Signals, Part 2

Pharmacy, Retail | Right | March 12, 2016


(I work in the front end of a pharmacy retailer that recently stopped selling cigarettes in an effort to promote customer health. It’s been almost two years, but exchanges like this still happen regularly.)

Customer: “Hi, I’ll have a carton of [Brand] cigarettes.”

(I look behind me to where the cigarettes used to be stored, where there is now a large sign with a crossed out cigarette and a slogan that reads: “Quitting starts here.”)

Customer: “…You don’t sell cigarettes, do you?”
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Old 11-30-2019   #999
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Needs Poster-Board To Smash Your Head Through

Pharmacy | Right | February 19, 2016


(A customer is making a purchase, which has been going normally until the end.)

Me: “All right, that’ll be [amount].”

Customer: “What? That poster-board was supposed to be $4.99.”

(I go with her to check the price marked on the shelf.)

Me: “This is where it was supposed to go; someone put it in the wrong place.”

(I indicate the $8.99 shelf tag; assuming that she wants a $4.99 pack, I grab one and return to the front, to which she does not object. I void out the more expensive pack and ring up the other. After I finish ringing it up…)

Customer: “That’s not the poster-board I want.”

Me: “It’s the pack that’s $4.99.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t have to be so rude about it. Just void that and I’ll pick out the poster-board.”

Me: “All right, your other items will be six—”

(I’m cut off by the customer walking away to pick out her poster-board without finishing the sale for her other items, with three customers waiting in line behind her, and no other cashiers on duty. Fortunately, the other register hasn’t been closed out yet, so I can still ring them up somewhere. She finally returns with the poster-board she wants, but I need manager approval because of all the voided items.)

Me: *over the PA, right in front of her* “Manager approval at the front, please.”

Customer: “Why isn’t the sale going through?!”

Me: “I need approval because of all the voids.”

Customer: “You could have said something!”

(Finally, my manager can pass the sale through, with the customer complaining about my service the whole time; my manager promises to have a talk with me over it. Once the store is empty…)

Manager: “So… from how she was acting, I’m guessing she was already in a b***h-fit when she came in
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Needs Poster-Board To Smash Your Head Through

Pharmacy | Right | February 19, 2016


(A customer is making a purchase, which has been going normally until the end.)

Me: “All right, that’ll be [amount].”

Customer: “What? That poster-board was supposed to be $4.99.”

(I go with her to check the price marked on the shelf.)

Me: “This is where it was supposed to go; someone put it in the wrong place.”

(I indicate the $8.99 shelf tag; assuming that she wants a $4.99 pack, I grab one and return to the front, to which she does not object. I void out the more expensive pack and ring up the other. After I finish ringing it up…)

Customer: “That’s not the poster-board I want.”

Me: “It’s the pack that’s $4.99.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t have to be so rude about it. Just void that and I’ll pick out the poster-board.”

Me: “All right, your other items will be six—”

(I’m cut off by the customer walking away to pick out her poster-board without finishing the sale for her other items, with three customers waiting in line behind her, and no other cashiers on duty. Fortunately, the other register hasn’t been closed out yet, so I can still ring them up somewhere. She finally returns with the poster-board she wants, but I need manager approval because of all the voided items.)

Me: *over the PA, right in front of her* “Manager approval at the front, please.”

Customer: “Why isn’t the sale going through?!”

Me: “I need approval because of all the voids.”

Customer: “You could have said something!”

(Finally, my manager can pass the sale through, with the customer complaining about my service the whole time; my manager promises to have a talk with me over it. Once the store is empty…)

Manager: “So… from how she was acting, I’m guessing she was already in a b***h-fit when she came in?”
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