Holistic Medicine and the Western Medical Tradition

No Spoonful Of Sugar Is Helping This Medicine Go Down
BAD BEHAVIOR, FLORIDA, JERK, PATIENTS, PHARMACY, USA | HEALTHY | JULY 31, 2018
(When you come to pick up a prescription, I have to make sure it’s going to the right person or I get written up and, if I get written up enough times, lose my job. This particular pharmacy asks that we verify the address on file, but if they don’t know it, I’ll usually take some other manner of verification if necessary. It’s late, and there’s an hour and a half left to go of a seven-hour day, and all I want to do is go home, so I admit I’m a bit tired. A guy comes up who couldn’t be more than 22, I’d guess, and I smile and go to the register, asking him who he’s picking up for.)

Guy: “My girlfriend.”

Me: “Okay. What’s her name?”

Guy: “[First Name].”

(I need a last name in particular to search, and unfortunately most of the younger crowd usually never give their last name unless prompted. I have no idea why.)

Me: “What’s her last name?”

Guy: “[Last Name].”

(I go over to get it, which doesn’t take long, and return.)

Me: “And what’s her address, please?”

(He gives me this look like I’ve told him that the sky is green or that he’s standing on his head.)

Guy: “I’ve picked up before and they’ve never, ever asked me for her address before.”

(Then he clearly hasn’t picked up for her before at this pharmacy, because we always ask for the address. I say it so often that even when I’m doing things that don’t require it, I sometimes end up saying the words. Sometimes I end up asking them their address before I ask their name, before I can stop myself.)

Me: “Um… We always ask for the address.”

Guy: “No one has ever asked me before!”

Me: “Well, sometimes if you don’t know it, we’ll try another way to verify. Do you know it?”

Guy: “No!”

Me: “Okay, what’s her date of birth?”

(That, he knows. He tells that to me and I’m assured that I have the right person. A new law was passed in July that on certain types and classes of medicines, I now have to ask for a form of ID and enter it into the computer. What he’s picking up falls into that class.)

Me: “I need to see your ID, please.”

Guy: “Why?”

Me: “It’s the law as of the first of July. I have to have an ID.”

Guy: “Does that mean I have to get hers from the car?”

Me: “No, I need yours, since you’re picking it up.”

Guy: “But… does that mean I have to get hers?”

Me: “Um… No. I need yours.”

Guy: “I don’t have mine.”

Me: “Then she has to come in and pick it up.”

Guy: “Why can’t I just go get hers and give it to you?”

(Now I can understand his hesitancy. There’s a big storm that has been going on all day, but neither weather nor annoying teenagers are going to make me break the law.)

Me: “Because it’s her license. Whatever license I have has to be for the person picking up. It’s the law.”

(We go back and forth about this for another minute, to the point that my pharmacist has to come over and back me up, telling him that we have to follow all rules and regulations, and if it’s her license, it has be her. He finally goes out to get her and comes back in. I think this is a wonderful opportunity to do my job right now that she’s here.)

Me: “What’s your address?”

Girl: *throws her ID on the counter* “On file.”

Me: *blink*

(I’ve never had a customer refuse to give their address. Sometimes they’ll pretend to give me a hard time or forget some of the numbers, but I’ve never had someone give me a smart a** remark about it being “on file,” because most have the intelligence to realize that there’s a reason I’m asking for it and it’s most certainly not to hear myself talk. I want to keep my job.)

Me: “I’m sorry; we ask that for verification. If you don’t know yo—”

Girl: *interrupts snottily* “I know my address. It’s [address].”

(She picked up her license from the counter and proceeded to throw it again. I decided I’d had enough of dealing with the twat that was clearly just too lazy to come in and sent her boyfriend in for her, since I could see no legitimate reason for her not to come in besides the rain. And part of me wanted a little bit of revenge for these people half my age giving me a hard time, so I took my time, every bit of it that I could, prolonging the transaction just because they were antsy. As they left, she shot me a glare, snatched up her prescription, and then went to the industrial scale nearby that people use to measure weight and proceeded to jump up and down on it once or twice before leaving.)

Suffering Bad Pet Owners
BAD BEHAVIOR, MARYLAND, PETS & ANIMALS, USA, VET | HEALTHY | JULY 30, 2018
(I work the front desk in a highly recommended vet hospital that has both appointments with doctors and a walk-in emergency service. Emergency visits are always a trip. A young man walks in, carrying his dachshund mix. He tells me that his dog is having respiratory distress, so I take her back to see the doctor first before getting his information. It turns out that the dog has been having breathing troubles for two days. The doctor is not impressed with that info and, with client approval, takes some x-rays to see what might be going on internally. It’s cancer, a lot of cancer in all of the places. The dog is not comfortable outside of oxygen, so the vet goes to talk to the owner to explain that euthanasia is the only humane option. By this point, the owner’s father has come to join him and has brought his own dog. He is handling the dog very roughly and occasionally whacks the dog lightly with the end of the leash when he thinks the dog is misbehaving.)

Father: “Vets just want to take your money! Don’t worry, [Dog], they’re not going to see you. This is where dogs come to die.”

(He is making other clients uncomfortable, so I warn the ER doctor as she goes in to speak with them. The client is understandably shocked and upset, but the father is whole other matter.)

Father: “We’re not ready to put her down yet. Can you give us meds to keep her comfortable for another week?”

Vet: “Sir, she isn’t comfortable at all outside of oxygen. It would be against medical advice to take her out of oxygen and take her home.”

Father: “I’ll take her out of oxygen if I want to! It’s not like she’s suffering!”

(The vet was literally so angry she had to leave the room because yes, this dog was suffering! The father continued to be resistant, but the client agreed that it was in her best interest to euthanize her immediately, and handled the rest of the visit like a rational adult.)

When Customers Attack, Part 2
MOVIE THEATER, USA, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 30, 2008
Customer: “Yeah, can I get extra butter?”

Coworker: “Actually the butter is self-serve on the sides of concession. You can help yourself, ma’am.”

Customer: *suddenly angry* “WELL IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO HELP ME I WON’T COME BACK NEXT TIME!”

Coworker: “Please don’t hurt me!”

Textual Discrimination
BOOKS & READING, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, LIBRARY, USA | RIGHT | JULY 1, 2009
(A customer approaches me holding an audiobook.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “It’s an audiobook.”

Customer: “What’s that?”

Me: “Well, it’s books read aloud so people can listen to them instead of reading the text.”

(The customer looks horrified.)

Customer: “Do you have more?”

Me: “Oh, yes, those shelves behind you there.” *pointing*

Customer: *looking at the rows of audiobooks* “That’s disgusting! People who can’t read shouldn’t be allowed in libraries anyway! You shouldn’t pander to them!”

Me: “Well, it’s also for people who have low or no vision.”

Customer: “They have no right to books, either!” *storms out*

You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 7
CELLPHONE STORE | RIGHT | JUNE 7, 2013
(I work for a franchise of a major cell phone company in the US.)

Customer: “I just had a woman call me on my cell phone. Can you look up her information and tell me her last name and address?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but unless you are listed on the account as an authorized user I cannot give away any personal information.”

Customer: “Well then, can you add me as an authorized user so I can see her address?”

Me: “No, sir, only the account holder can add or remove authorized users.”

Customer: “Well she called me and I want to find her; what can I do?”

Me: “Call her back?”

Customer: “I can’t do that; after she gave me her name she realized it was a wrong number and hung up!”

Me: “So let me get this straight, you want me to look up a customer’s number, add you as an authorized user, give you her name and address, and you don’t even know her?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Sir, you need to leave.”

Get Some Up-Lifted Bras To Go With Shop-Lifted Panties
RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 8, 2013
(I have just clocked out at work, and I have already changed into my street clothes. I am waiting for a manager to check my bag before I can leave, as is this is store policy. While I’m waiting, I see a customer is stooped low near a table of panties and she has her purse open. I cannot clearly see what is going on, but from experience I assume she is stealing them. She makes for the door when I speak to her.)

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those?”

Customer: “Uh… what?”

Me: “Would you like a shopping bag for those panties you just put in your purse?”

Customer: “Oh… I was just… uh… going over to the register.”

(She tries to casually change directions and head back towards the register.)

Me: “Right, well, since you have no intention of paying for them, can I have them back please?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(She looks extremely embarrassed and irritated that she got caught, but she opens her purse and pulls out the biggest wad of panties I’ve ever seen. She shoves them back onto the table.)

Me: “Thank you.”

(I watch her rush out of the door. It is not our store policy to confront shoplifters. However, I am not on the clock and therefore can say whatever I want!)

Repetition Is The Mother Of Stupidity
BEACH, BIZARRE, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | MARCH 22, 2010
(I am serving ice cream on the beach.)

Me: “Hello, what would you like?”

Customer: “Have you got any icecream icecream?”

Me: “No, but we do have icecream icecream icecream.”

Customer: “Oh, really? That’s exactly what I was looking for!”

America, Land Of The Not-So-Free
MONEY, RETAIL, STUPID, TECHNOLOGY, TEXAS, USA | RIGHT | MAY 27, 2010
Me: “Would you like a free year of anti-virus for this computer?”

Customer: “No, that is too expensive! In my country, we can get it for about $16 USD!”

Me: “Well, in this country you get it for free when you buy a computer.”

Customer: “No, it’s too expensive. You give me a deal?”

Me: “I can charge you $16 US dollars for the anti-virus.”

Customer: “Okay! You see? You gave me a deal.”

Kiss Your Crappy Day Goodbye
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 14, 2016
(It’s Valentine’s Day and we’re packed with people buying candy and flowers. A woman dressed in black and pink comes up to the register with a bag of Hershey kisses. She’s wearing small pink faerie wings strapped to her back.)

Me: “So, you just winging it today?”

Faerie Lady: *laughs and tears open the bag of candy* “Here!”

Me: “What?”

Faerie Lady: *drops a handful of Hershey kisses on the counter* “Now you can say you got kisses from a stranger on Valentine’s Day!”

(She then giggled and skipped off into the store, stopping once to give my coworker gathering carts a few more pieces of candy and repeating what she said to me. She must have waited 45 minutes, just so she could buy some candy to give to strangers. Kinda made my day.)

Freedom Fries Aren’t Free
CANADA, FAST FOOD, FUNNY, MONEY | RIGHT | MARCH 23, 2010
(A customer tries to pay with American money.)

Customer: “What do you mean you don’t take American currency? That’s ridiculous!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, but it’s a private business, not corporate, and the owner doesn’t accept foreign currency.”

Customer: “Foreign currency? Bah! We should have conquered you people a hundred years ago!”

Me: “Actually, sir, America invaded Canada a few times. However, they were defeated each time.”

Customer: “Yes, well that wouldn’t be the case today! Now give me some good old American fast food! You can’t take that away from me!”

Me: “Would you like French fries with that?”

Those Who Know Just Enough To Be Dangerous
ELECTRONICS STORE, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | MAY 6, 2008
Me: “Hi, sir, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Uhh, yeah, I need some CDs.”

Me: “Sure, we’ve got all kinds: CD-R, CD-RW, and regular music CDs.”

Customer: “Umm, I just need CDs with lots of RAM.”

Me: “RAM? CDs don’t have RAM, computers do.”

Customer: “Oh…” *turns around and ambles out of the store*

(He then comes back a month later with a MacBook.)

Customer: “Uhh, yeah… I put a Linux on it.”

Me: “That’s wonderful; you made a great choice.”

Customer: “But, like, I can’t use my Apple OSX anymore.”

Me: “Issues with Mac OSX? Okay, well. Let’s take a look.”

(I turn the laptop on, and I see that he has installed Ubuntu. I go into the GRUB loader to basically boot OSX and I find that it is no longer there.)

Me: “Sir, did you reformat your hard drive in order to install Ubuntu?”

Customer: “Uhh, I don’t know, I just followed the directions.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it looks like you reformatted your hard drive, got rid of anything and everything you had on your MacBook, and installed Ubuntu.”

Customer: “So, can you fix it?”

Me: “You got rid of everything, including any backups you may have had. I cannot get anything back.”

Customer: “But I can get my files back, right? I only formatted my Apple, right?”

Me: “No, nothing can be done. You can either become a Linux user or, if you have restore discs, you can use those.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I’ll talk to my brother; he can probably get all my stuff back…”

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
GAMES, MOVIES & TV, RETAIL, USA, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | MAY 26, 2008
(This is back during the PlayStation 2 era. I don’t even work at this place; I am just looking at the games with my dad but I figure I’ll help this lady out.)

Customer: “Hi, my son wants a Star Wars game. How much will that be?”

Me: “Well, there are lots of Star Wars games, because some are older than others. The older ones are more likely to be cheaper… sometimes the console changes the price as well.”

Customer: “Console?”

Me: “The thing you play it on.”

Customer: “Oh he’s got a Gamestation.”

Me: “Do you mean a Playstation or a Gamecube?”

Customer: “I don’t know, it’s black.”

Me: “Is it cube-shaped?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Right so, it’s a PlayStation 2. Did your son say which type of Star Wars game he wanted, or even the name?”

Customer: “No, he just said Star Wars. A shooting one, I think.”

Me: “Most of them are shooting games…”

Customer: “Well, this is the one with the laser guns in it and the laser swords.”

Me: *cringing* “Laser guns and laser swords are what Star Wars is famous for.”

(My dad, who is behind me, starts laughing.)

Customer: “I’m not some Star Wars computer genius, you know! This is only the 21st century. I don’t even know why you work here if you don’t know what I should buy!”

Me: “I don’t actually work here.”

Customer: “Well, why are you wearing the employee t-shirt?!”

(She points towards my Children of Bodom t-shirt.)

Me: “Good point. Go and speak to my boss if you are unhappy about me working here.”

Customer: “I will, and you might get fired, so watch out!”

Rush Out Of The Room From The Mushroom
PIZZA | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 9, 2015
(My husband and I are ordering at a pizza restaurant.)

Husband: “We’ll take a number four but with no mushrooms.”

Me: “I’m allergic and I like breathing.”

Waitress: “No problem.”

Waitress: *arriving with pizza* “They made it without mushrooms.”

(I find it odd that she says that, considering we don’t see any mushrooms, but I decide to eat it anyway. The following happens about half-way through my first slice.)

Husband: “STOP!” *slaps pizza from my hand* “You have hives all over your throat!”

Me: *grabbing mirror to check* “They must have put mushrooms on it.” *grabs epi-pen from purse while he calls manager*

Husband: “We ordered without mushrooms and we told the waitress she was allergic.”

Manager: “Yeah, so we took them off.”

Husband: “Took them off? As in they were on here and then you removed them?”

Manager: “Yes, we forgot and made it with mushrooms but we got them all off.”

(I am now ready to head to the ER.)

Manager: “Stop! You have to pay!”

That Final Project Opened Some Doors For You
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY | LEARNING | DECEMBER 16, 2014
(I’m studying radio broadcasting at a tech college, and one day we have a special guest speaker. This speaker is an alumni of the program and has gone on to become one of the most prominent station managers in our city. After his talk, he turns to leave our classroom, and trips over something. He stops, looks down, and grows wistful.)

Professor: “Hey, [Station Manager], is everything okay?”

Station Manager: “Yeah, fine. It’s just this 8-track tape you’re using for a doorstop. I recognize the label. It was my final project 20 years ago.” *sigh* “All that work…”

A Complete Avatard
ARIZONA, MOVIES & TV, USA, VIDEO RENTAL | RIGHT | MAY 25, 2010
(This is when Avatar has just come out on DVD.)

Customer: “Do you have any copies of that new Avatar movie?”

Me: “Sorry, it looks like it’s not available anywhere right now. I could call you when a copy comes in if you like.”

Customer: “You didn’t check the backroom. Do you have any there?”

Me: “No, we don’t keep movies in the back. Company policy says we have to have all available copies on the shelf.”

Customer: “So, why don’t you have any on the shelf?”

Me: “Because we’re all checked out. There are none present at this store or any other in this area. It’s an extremely popular movie since it just came out a few days ago. We have no more copies at any nearby store.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, they all got checked out by other people.”

Customer: “Well, why the h*** did you let them do that? What kind of video store lets people just take whatever movie they want?!”

Constructive Criticism For The Music Industry
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MUSIC, RETAIL | RIGHT | JULY 16, 2009
Me: “Hi, welcome to [Music Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m having a little trouble with this CD.” *holds up a Carrie Underwood CD*

Me: “All right, what’s the problem with it?”

Customer: “Well, I was listening to that song, you know, Before He Cheats.”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Well, the lyrics don’t really make sense in one part.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Well, you see, she says, ‘I may have saved a little trouble for the next girl, because the next time that he cheats, you know it won’t be on me.'”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You see, she hasn’t really helped the next girl at all. She’s saying he’ll cheat again, and that it won’t be on her, so it’ll be on the next girl! That next girl isn’t being helped at all!”

Me: “…so there’s nothing wrong with the CD itself?”

Customer: “The lyrics don’t make any sense at all!”

Me: “Ma’am, if the CD itself plays correctly, then…”

Customer: “Well, I’m saying it DOESN’T play correctly! The words are wrong!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing I can do to change the lyrics of a song.”

Customer: “Can’t you just call her up, and make her change them? I mean, really, it’s in her best interest, since her song would make more sense, and more people would buy it that way!”

Me: “Ma’am, let me be sure I’m understanding you. You want me to somehow call Carrie Underwood, and have her change the lyrics to her song, which has sold millions of copies, because you don’t approve.”

Customer: “Exactly! I knew someone would understand. The other store I went to didn’t help at all!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you saying that, not only is the actual CD playing without skips, and the disk is not scratched, but that you bought it somewhere else?”

Customer: “Well, yes. So, can you call her?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I can not.”

(The customer refused to understand that I could not, in fact, change the lyrics, and spent another 10 minutes trying to explain why she was upset.)

Tall-Size Steps Towards Venti-Size Change
COFFEE SHOP, EDITORS' CHOICE, JERK | RIGHT | MAY 20, 2009
(A regular customer comes through the drive-thru. She’s a difficult person to deal with and we have a new barista on bar tonight.)

Customer: “My usual, please.”

(I take her money and keep an eye on our new barista while he makes her tricky drink. He makes it just right. When the barista hands it over to me, she pulls a face suddenly.)

Customer: “Who’s THAT?”

Me: “Oh, that’s [Name], our newest barista! He took extra care with your drink tonight. I was watching.”

(I had been watching him make it and knew it was perfect. She then took a sip and made a face.)

Customer: “Too sweet! Honey, could YOU just make it for me? YOU always get it right.”

Me: “Sure.”

(I go to the bar and pretend to make things next to the new guy, who is really making her drink. Then I walk over and hand the new barista-made beverage out to her.)

Customer: *sipping* “Mmm! PERFECT! I knew YOU wouldn’t let me down!”

Me: “Actually, [Name] made that one, too. I just kept an extra eye on him to make sure it was absolutely perfect, and now he knows exactly how to do it for next time, too!”

Customer: “….uh… well…it IS a little OFF, but I’ll let it slide this time.”

This story is part of the Drive-Thru roundup!

Out Of The Frying Pan…
DEPARTMENT STORE | RIGHT | JUNE 8, 2013
(A customer is browsing our sale frying pans, which are gift boxed. On top of the pile of boxes is a frying pan that has been taken out so customers don’t keep opening new boxes to look at them.)

Customer: “Excuse me, are any of these out on display? I don’t want to buy one if I don’t know what it looks like.”

Me: “Yep, there’s this one right here.”

Customer: “Oh, I didn’t think it was the same one. It looks different to the one in the picture. The one in the picture has vegetables in it.”

(I laugh politely, thinking it’s a joke.)

Customer: “So, are there vegetables in the box?”

Me: “Um… no. It’s just a frying pan, and a glass lid. If there was food in there, it would go off.”

(The customer continues browsing, while I am called away to help someone else. As I am passing back by the first customer, I notice he is roughly pulling a new frying pan out of the gift box, tearing it up.)

Me: “Uh, do you need some help here?”

Customer: “I just wanted to see what this frying pan looks like before I buy it.”

Me: “It’s exactly the same as the one on display. We put that out so everyone can see what it looks like. That way, people will stop pulling new stock out of boxes and wrecking them.”

Customer: “I know, but I want to see what this one looks like. Yes, this should be fine. Oh, but the box is all torn up. Can you give me a discount for that?”

With Thought, Care And Testosterone
BIGOTRY, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 6, 2009
Female Conference Attendee: “Where’s the cook? This food is amazing, and I want to give my regards to the cook.”

Me: “That’s great to hear; if you wait a moment, I’ll get him out of the back.”

(I return with the cook.)

Me: “This is [Cook], and he is our head cook.”

Female Conference Attendee: *looking behind the head cook* “No, seriously, where’s the cook? I need to talk with her.”

Cook: “Ma’am, I am the cook. How can I help you?”

Female Conference Attendee: *looking askance* “You are NOT the cook. You cannot BE the cook. The food here is so wonderful, so full of love it MUST be cooked by a woman.”

Cook: “All right, you caught us. The real cook has her day off today. We’ll thank her when she gets back tomorrow.”

Female Conference Attendee: “Yes, you will.” *muttering as she walks away* “Men who cook… sheesh.”

A Welcome Method To Overstaying Your Welcome
BAD BEHAVIOR, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, HOME, ROOMMATES, SIBLINGS, USA, UTAH | FRIENDLY | NOVEMBER 7, 2017
(Living in a college apartment with five other girls can get interesting. One of the girls goes home for a month in the summer, and when she comes back, her sister comes with her. She asks each of us if we’d mind her sister staying for a week or two, just until she finds a place of her own. Since we’re all busy helping prepare for the wedding of another roommate — and helping her move to her married apartment, while another girl takes over her spot — we don’t mind, so long as it’s only for a week, two tops. She also asks to borrow my camp cot. Unfortunately, a month passes, and her sister’s still there. There are other issues as well, and I get designated to talk to the roommate, since she’s a friend of mine.)

Me: “Hey, [Roommate #1 ], can we talk? It’s about your sister.”

Roommate #1 : *resigned sigh* “Sorry, but you know how it is. It can be hard to find an apartment, especially when you’re new to a town.”

Me: “That’s just it. I was talking with her last night, and she hasn’t even started looking! She tried to foist me off by saying she’d start this weekend, and then immediately called [Friend] to make plans for the entire weekend.”

Roommate #1 : “Ugh. I’ll talk to her.”

Me: “If that was it, that would be one thing, but… the cot’s destroyed, and it wasn’t cheap; I don’t know how she managed to damage it so badly. She’s also been eating everyone else’s food, and when we’ve asked her to stop, she refuses and says she’ll just replace it. But she hasn’t. I’m out over $100 in food already, and some of the others are out more. We really can’t afford to feed your sister; we’ve budgeted carefully to get through the semester. It’s one thing if she asked, or if we offered. But just taking our food off the shelves is theft, and a couple of the girls are getting really upset; they want to call the landlord and get him to sort it out. I’ve talked them out of it, because his solution would probably be to cancel your contract, and none of us want you punished. It’s not your fault.”

Roommate #1 : *bursts into tears* “I’m so sorry! I’m trying to get her to start looking for a job and a place of her own. I really am!”

Me: “Oh, hon! I know. It’s not your fault. It’s harder when it’s family. I get that. What can I do to help?”

Roommate #1 : “I don’t know. I’m trying to motivate her, but… she just doesn’t seem to care.”

Me: “All right. She’s your little sister, and you feel like you have to protect her. I’ve been there. Do you want me to step in? I’m not her sister. I can be the designated b**** in this situation; it doesn’t matter to me if she hates me.”

Roommate #1 : “Would you? Could you? But what… I mean, do you have an idea?”

Me: “I do, if you want me to. In fact, I can almost guarantee it will work. But I’ll need you to stand firm with us.”

Roommate #1 : “I can do that. What’s the plan?”

(I tell her, and then we wait for her sister to come home, which doesn’t happen until very late. I’m waiting for her on the front porch.)

Me: “[Sister], we need to talk.”

Sister: “Can it wait until tomorrow? I’m bushed!”

Me: “No, it can’t wait. We have a problem.”

Sister: “Well, talk to [Roommate] about it. I’m going to bed!”

Me: “That’s just it. No, you’re not.”

Sister: “What?”

Me: “You don’t live here. We agreed to let you stay for a week, two at most. As of today, it’s been a month. If you want to stay another night, you need to start paying your share of rent. That’s [amount], by the way.”

Sister: “I can’t afford that!”

Me: “Not my problem. Although any apartment around here is going to run more than one seventh of this place, just so you know.”

Sister: “Seriously, can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m going to bed.”

Me: “You’re still not getting it, are you? You aren’t crossing this threshold again.”

Sister: *it finally clicks that I’m serious* “You can’t do that!”

Me: “Actually, I can. I live here. You don’t.”

Sister: “Yes, I do!”

Me: “No, you don’t. Your name is not on the contract, you’re not paying rent, and you’re stealing everyone’s food. And if you step through that door again, I’m calling the cops and having you arrested.”

Sister: “For what?”

Me: “Theft and trespassing, for starters. And since the door’s locked, it would also be breaking and entering.”

Sister: “You can’t do this!”

Me: “Yes, I can.”

Sister: “But what about my stuff?”

Me: “Your sister and I can bring you out anything you need, and we’ll both be glad to help you haul everything to your new apartment, just as soon as you’ve found one.”

Sister: “But where am I supposed to sleep?”

Me: “The landlord took the old love seat out of the living room last week; it’s on the patio out back. My sleeping bag is already waiting for you. I’ll need it back in the morning.”

Sister: “You can’t just leave me out here! I’ll start looking tomorrow, but you can’t just leave me outside!”

Me: “Oh, just stop whining for one second in your life! It’s still summer; you’ll be lucky if it gets down to 70. You’re not going to freeze. It’s no worse than camping — better, really, since you have the love seat — and I know you’ve gone camping plenty of times.”

Sister: “But… I… You… But…!”

Me: “Your sister and I visited the housing office after class today. We have a print-out of available places you can start looking at first thing in the morning. Give me a call if it gets colder than the forecast said; I’ll bring you out a spare blanket. Good night.”

(I let myself in, and then lock the door behind me.)

Sister: *starts pounding on the door and ringing the bell* “Let me in! You can’t do this!”

(Hearing the noise, everyone starts coming into the living room to see what’s going on.)

Me: “[Roommate #1 ]’s sister will be sleeping on the love seat out back tonight, after which she’ll be finding an apartment of her own. Don’t worry; I’ve loaned her a sleeping bag.”

Roommate #2 : *starts laughing* “Oh, that’s genius! She’s not going to freeze though, is she?”

Me: “We’ve all been sleeping with our windows open, trying to catch a breeze. It’s hot out; she’s more likely to sweat to death than freeze. In fact, she’ll probably have more pleasant temperatures than any of us.”

Roommate #2 : “Oh, good. Night, then!”

(Everyone else goes back to bed as well, and the sister soon gives up yelling, ringing, and knocking. She then tries to sneak in the back door, but finds it locked tight. Then she tries calling her sister repeatedly.)

Roommate #1 : *looking at her phone* “What do I do?”

(I hold out my hand, and she gives me the phone. I answer

Me: “[Roommate #1 ]’s phone, [My Name] speaking.”

Sister: “Let me in, you [insult]!”

Me: “Nope. Not happening. Have a nice night.”

Sister: *screams and hangs up, finally going around back and flinging herself on the loveseat*

(The next morning, I handed her the sheaf of papers with apartment listings. She had a place of her own within an hour. Go figure.)