Health Care stories

Read the Best Of May 2021 roundup!

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Make It Up To Her Or Face Her Withering Stare
GOLDEN YEARS, GRANDPARENTS, NURSES, NURSING HOME, PATIENTS, THE NETHERLANDS | HEALTHY | MAY 17, 2021
My grandmother always liked to look nice; she liked to regularly get her hair and nails done and preferred to spend a little extra on stylish clothes. She also almost always wore makeup — just a little colour to liven up her face a bit. She still did this when she was past ninety and had to move to a nursing home.

The move was not caused by diminishing mental faculties — she remained sharp as a tack until the day she died — but she had become wheelchair-bound after a nasty fall and her physical health had already been deteriorating. The home she moved into was very nice, but apparently, some of the staff were not used to elderly ladies paying as much attention to their looks as my grandmother did.

I was visiting Grandma when a young nurse came in to help her with her eyedrops. Her face took on a look of pure astonishment.

Nurse: “Why, Mrs. [Grandma], are you really wearing lipstick?”

Grandma must have been rather irritated at the tone and the apparent implication that elderly women wearing lipstick is something to marvel at, because her reply was rather indignant.

Grandma: “Yes, I am. I might be old, but I’m not withered!”

After the flustered nurse left, I nearly rolled off the couch with laughter. “I might be old, but I’m not withered” has since become a family favourite; whenever an older relative gets a comment along the lines of “Looking good for your age,” they fire off Grandma’s response. Everyone in the know then immediately bursts into laughter and starts reminiscing about dear Grandma.

CAT Scans In The Twilight Zone
BIZARRE, BOULDER, COLORADO, EMPLOYEES, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, LAZY/UNHELPFUL, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 15, 2021
I arrive early for my CAT scan and sit in the waiting room. [Tech #1 ] comes out of the back.

Tech #1 : “Is [Man] here? [Man]? [Man]?”

Receptionist: “Who’s [Man]?”

Tech #1 : “His wife is back there and too dizzy to walk. I’m looking for her husband.” *Louder* “[MAN]! [MAN]?!”

[Tech #1 ] disappears for a few minutes and then he’s back.

Tech #1 : “[Man]? [MAN]?! [Receptionist], would you page him?”

Receptionist: “What’s his last name?”

Tech #1 : “Just page [Man].”

Receptionist: “I can’t do that! There are lots of [Man]s!”

Tech #1 : “I don’t know his last name. Just page him!”

[Tech #1 ] disappears again. [Tech #2 ] comes out of the back pushing a woman in a wheelchair.

Tech #2 : “Someone’s supposed to transport this woman to the lobby.”

Receptionist: “Park her over there until they come.”

[Tech #2 ] parks the woman and goes into the back.

Tech #1 : “[Man]? [Man]?”

Transport Nurse: “Where’s the woman in the wheelchair?”

Receptionist: *Waving vaguely* “Over there.”

Transport Nurse: “I see the wheelchair, but it’s empty.”

Receptionist: “That’s odd.”

The transport nurse leaves.

Receptionist: “[My Name], we’ll get to you in just a few more minutes.”

Me: “That’s just fine. You’ve lost two people in the ten minutes I’ve been here, so I’m really overwhelmed with confidence at the moment.”

Someone else behind the reception desk calls out:

Employee: “Don’t ask me! I’m on lunch!”

Tech #1 : “[Man]?”

They did eventually find [Man]. They never found the missing lady. And my CAT scan went on without further incident — whew!

Testing Positive For Not Listening
CURRENT EVENTS, HEALTH & BODY, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, LABORATORY, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 12, 2021
I work in customer service for a testing lab, mostly testing people who need a negative test for international travel. While we’re able to answer 99% of customers’ questions, we legally can’t give medical advice since we’re not medical professionals.

Customer: “I’m supposed to travel next week, but I also just got an email that I can get my vaccine this weekend. Will the vaccine affect my results? Should I get the vaccine or not?”

Me: “While we haven’t had any issues with the vaccines affecting our tests, it would be best to ask your doctor about whether you should get the vaccine before traveling. I’m not allowed to give medical advice to customers.”

Customer: *Now yelling* “I’M NOT ASKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE! I’M ASKING IF I SHOULD GET THE VACCINE OR NOT!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 5
JERK, OHIO, OPTOMETRIST/OPTICIAN, PATIENTS, STUPID, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 10, 2021
I’m a technician at a local eye clinic. I call back a new patient. I get his history and find out he’s diabetic and uses scleral lenses — the kind that covers the entire eye. Diabetes can wreak havoc on the eyes if not controlled.

Me: “What brings you here?”

Patient: “I’ve had pain in both my eyes the past two weeks.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I see you wear sclerals. How long have you been using them?”

Patient: “Oh, these are about ten years old. They’re in great shape!”

Me: “Oooookay? How long per day do you wear them?”

Patient: “Oh, I don’t take ‘em out! They’re so comfortable and I forget they’re there!”

My eyes instantly start to hurt for him, but I continue.

Me: “So… how long have these been in your eye?”

Patient: “About two months!”

Me: “So, you haven’t cleaned them or taken them out of your eye in two months?!”

Patient: “Nope. It’s not my contacts that are bothering me, though. My eyes just hurt.”

Me: “Okay… and you’re diabetic, correct? What’s your blood sugar usually run?”

Patient: “I don’t know; I rarely check. Like 400 something?”

I’m almost speechless but I continue.

Me: “Well, we need to take the contacts out so the doctor can look at your eye.”

Patient: “Do we have to? Taking them out will make my eyes hurt more.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, we do.”

The patient takes his lenses out. They are covered with dirt and build-up to where the lens is a milky grey color rather than clear. I look at the patient’s eyes and they are beet red and swollen. Finally, the doctor comes in after I tell him what’s going on.

Doctor: “Let’s take a look.”

After examining the patient, the doctor can see two huge corneal ulcers exacerbated by uncontrolled diabetes from extended lens wear causing the pain. The doctor explains that these are serious and can lead to permanent scarring which can be irreversible.

Doctor: “These are serious. You need to keep your lenses out to let the eyes heal.”

Patient: “No.”

Doctor: “No?”

Patient: “I’m gonna keep wearing my lenses.”

Doctor: “You really shouldn’t. If this infection doesn’t heal, you can be left with scars or could possibly develop into something much worse and lose the eye.”

Patient: “I don’t care. Give me my lenses.”

Doctor: “My tech has them. She’s finishing cleaning them for you.”

Patient: “Why in the h*** would you clean them?! They were fine!”

Doctor: “Sir, I can’t let you wear these in good conscience knowing it’ll make the problem worse.”

Patient: “F*** y’all! I’m going somewhere else where they know what they’re talking about. These contacts didn’t do anything to my eyes!”

He left with his contacts. We thoroughly documented the encounter and went on about our business.

A month later, he came back threatening to sue our company because he claimed we told him he could continue his lens use and never gave him any treatment for his condition — he left before we could — and now he had a pretty significant corneal scar in both eyes and would require a transplant. My doctor simply printed out the exam notes for him and told him he’d love to see him try. Harsh on my doctor’s part maybe, but don’t fight the people trying to help you!

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 4
ADORABLE CHILDREN, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, PARK, SCHOOLMATES, STRANGERS, USA | FRIENDLY | JUNE 5, 2018
(I have heterochromia, which means I have two different colored eyes. My left one is blue and my right one is brown/hazel. I’ve had many people comment on them, good and bad. Example #1 : I’m taking pictures of the wildlife in the park for a school project. We’re taking a break and decide to make small talk.)

Me: “I like your bracelet.”

Partner: “Thanks, it was a birthday gift.”

Me: “Lucky.”

Partner: “Have you ever considered surgery to make both your eyes the same color?”

Me: “Does something like that exist?”

Partner: “Yeah. My aunt hates contacts but loves blue eyes.”

Me: “Unless it’s glaucoma or vision correction, I don’t feel comfortable going through expensive eye surgery.”

Partner: “But you’d look normal!”

Me: “My definition of normal and yours seem to be at different ends of the spectrum.”

(Example #2 : Same park, weekend, I’m painting the pond.)

Mother: “Go on. Ask her, sweetie.”

Little Girl: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes?”

Little Girl: “Are you a witch? Your eyes are odd.”

Me: “Shhh. If my father hears someone figured out my secret, he might give me twice my magic homework.”

Little Girl: “I promise I won’t tell.” *makes a “my lips are sealed” gesture and skips happily to her mother*

Related:

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 3
CONVENIENCE STORE | WORKING | APRIL 11, 2013
(I’m at the store near my house, buying a six-pack of beer. I’m partially blind, but know my neighborhood well, and buy my beer/soda/snacks there regularly. This day, there is a new clerk.)

Clerk: “I’ll need to see your driver’s license for the beer, please.”

Me: “Sure thing, boss!”

(I hand over my state-issued ID, which is different from a driver’s license.)

Clerk: “This isn’t a driver’s license. You said you had a driver’s license.”

Me: “This is a state-issued ID. It functions exactly like a driver’s license for most purposes, except for driving.”

Clerk: “So, you’re a drunk driver, and they took your driver’s license away? I shouldn’t be selling beer to an alcoholic.”

Me: “No, I never had a driver’s license. I’m blind, I can’t drive.”

Clerk: “…because they took your license away. I don’t think I should sell this to you. You’ll wind up killing someone, and it’ll be my fault.”

(By this time, the owner realizes what’s going on and speaks up.)

Owner: “Just sell [my name] the **** beer!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye, Part 2
BANK, EMPLOYEES, STUPID, USA | WORKING | JULY 4, 2012
(I am a customer at a bank. I am accompanying a friend who happens to be blind. He does not wear dark glasses, so his blindness is apparent to anyone who can see his face. After making a deposit, my friend asks for his balance, and the teller requests his driver’s license as proof of identity. My friend hands her his state-issued ID card.)

Teller: “I am sorry, sir. This ID is not acceptable. I need to see your driver’s license.”

Friend: “I do not have a driver’s license. This is my state ID.”

Teller: “I have to see your driver’s license to verify your identity before I can tell you the balance on this account.”

Friend: “Miss, I do not have a driver’s license. I cannot drive. This card is equivalent to a driver’s license for identification purposes.”

Teller: “Everybody over sixteen can drive, sir. If you do not have your driver’s license, I cannot give you the balance.”

Friend: “Look at me, miss. I am blind. Do you really think I should be able to drive?”

Teller: “Why not?!”

Not Seeing Eye To Eye
HOME | ROMANTIC | MARCH 30, 2012
Me: “I love you.”

Boyfriend: “I love you, too.”

(I touch my forehead to his, and look tenderly into his eyes. After a moment, he grins.)

Me: “What?”

Boyfriend: “You know, you look like a Cyclops when you’re this close.”

Me: “Really?” *can’t help but grin anyway* “I was trying to have a meaningful stare into your eyes.”

Boyfriend: “Well, I’m having a meaningful stare into your eye!”

Back Pain Sufferers, There Is Hope!
AWESOME, DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, FLORIDA, MEDICAL OFFICE, USA | HEALTHY | MAY 6, 2021
I’m twenty. For the past few months, I’ve been getting experience in my major field by working long hours in a lab, counting out microscopic worms on Petri dishes. It’s not difficult or too taxing, but I’ve noticed lately that the way I have to sit to reach the scopes has triggered some lower back pain around the center of my hips. I try to ignore it for about three weeks, as my father just laughs when I mention it and I’m worried that my doctor, the pediatrician I’ve seen since birth, will do the same because of my young age and lack of strenuous activity.

It gets to the point that I can barely walk and every few seconds, a shooting pain jumps down from my back to the front of my knee. It’s beyond anything I’ve ever felt, before or since. The spasms keep me at night, and when I wake up one morning to discover that I can’t lean forward or backward more than a few millimeters, I finally go in to see the doctor. As my main doctor isn’t in that day, I’m paired with a new doctor in the practice I’ve never met before. She’s much younger than the others I’ve seen and is incredibly pleasant.

Doctor: “So, I’ve heard you’ve been having back spasms?”

Me: “Yeah. I know, I know, I’m too young to have a back problem. I haven’t had any big jolts to the system or anything, nothing more stressful than sitting in a lab all day, but no matter what I do, I can’t shake this. I didn’t want to bother you guys during the flu season with what’s probably just a stupid pulled muscle but I haven’t slept for two nights now. Laying down or sitting up seems to make it worse, and the over-the-counter painkillers don’t put a dent in it.”

Doctor: “Hey, it’s no problem at all! In fact, I wish you had come in a bit sooner! Back spasms can be really serious, so let’s see if we can figure this out.”

The doctor chats with me about what I’ve done so far to ease the pain and what showed any improvement or made it worse and puts me through some simple range of movement exercises

Doctor: “Okay, I’m going to do a few little tests that should confirm my suspicions about this. I’m going to be putting my thumbs at those little dimples you get at your lower back, okay? Just tell me if it hurts, and which side hurts most.”

I feel something akin to a nail being driven into the area she’s touching.

Me: “Holy moth— Left! Left side! Haha, ouch, Doc.”

Doctor: “Sorry! Sorry, just one more. Pop up there, lay down, and cross your right ankle over your left knee.”

When I lay down, my entire pelvis should be an inch closer to the ground than it is, and I mention it to her.

Doctor: “That’s normal if this last one gives us a positive sign. When I push down on your right knee here, is there—”

Me: “Pain?! Yes. Yes, there is.”

Doctor: “Positive sign! With how long you’ve let this go, it may be too tight for me to fix this here without you doing some home stretches first, but I’ll give it a shot if you’d like?”

Me: “Please, yes. Anything. Feed me to a lion if it would make this stop hurting so much.”

The doctor moves my left leg off the table to hang down the side and shifts my body so my hip also hangs off and instructs me to push up against her downward force on my left knee. My pelvic area makes an ungodly loud cracking sound that can probably be heard in the lobby as it feels like my entire pelvis drops down that missing inch. I fully expect extreme pain.

Me: “AAAGH— Oh, hang on.”

I sit up without difficulty.

Me: “Holy crap. It’s a little sore, but holy crap! You’re a miracle worker! What did you do?! I could kiss you right now!”

Doctor: *Laughing* “I put your sacroiliac joint back in alignment. It’s common for women to have problems with it, though it’s usually after childbirth or an impact accident like a car crash.”

Me: “Yeesh, no chance of that here, and I’ve never been in a wreck.”

Doctor: “Well, it’s unusual, but long periods of sitting in some positions can stress the ligaments and allow the joint to move out of alignment bit by bit. Please, if it ever starts to flare up again, don’t wait so long to come in! It should be manageable with targeted stretching exercises, and I’ll grab you our printout of the ones that should help, but don’t let it get this out of control next time!”

The next day, after a very good night’s sleep, I wrote two letters: one to the head of the clinic commending the doctor for her quick diagnosis and solution, and another to the doctor herself thanking her profusely for taking me seriously right off the bat and being so delightfully friendly during the whole appointment, despite it being a last-minute walk-in. I delivered them with snacks and chocolates for the staff and thoroughly enjoyed showing them how I could once again move without pain. I had to leave their practice once I aged out earlier this year, but I’ve never had a better experience with any other doctor.

A Sudden Jab Of Terror
CHILDREN, MEDICAL OFFICE, MISSOURI, NURSES, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 29, 2021
When I was around five or six, I was at the doctor’s office for a checkup. I knew I would be receiving an injection, and I was terrified of needles. My mother stepped outside of the room with the doctor while we waited for the nurse to come by with the shot.

There was a slight knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in.

Nurse: “Hi! I just need to grab something real quick.”

And she proceeded to pull out the biggest needle I’d ever seen in my short life! I screamed bloody murder.

My mother and the doctor came running back into the room to find the nurse frantically trying to calm me down, but I refused to even let her touch me. The nurse showed the doctor the needle.

Nurse: “I didn’t mean to scare anyone! I feel horrible.”

After the nurse left, my doctor sat down with me.

Doctor: “That needle is meant for more difficult patients and it does hurt, but you are getting the regular-sized needle that hurts much less.”

I later learned the nurse’s needle was for bone marrow aspiration. I received my injection with no complaint.

Those Customers Will Have You In Stitches
BIGOTRY, HEALTH & BODY, IOWA, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, RETAIL, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 27, 2021
I work in a doctor’s office that happens to be located inside a big box retailer. A few days ago, I had three punch biopsies done. The bandage on my shoulder blade feels weird, so I have a coworker check it for me.

An older and very condescending customer walks up and sees the bandage.

Customer: “You young people and your tattoos!”

For the record, I’m forty-five.

Customer: “What did you get, your latest boyfriend’s name? Or something else you’ll regret later in life?”

I choose my words carefully.

Me: “I have stitches on my shoulder blade from a punch biopsy to see if I have melanoma from multiple horrific sunburns in my youth. Would you like to see them?”

Don’t know why, but she walked away.

If You’ve Got Urine There, You’ve Got Bigger Problems
COLORADO, DENVER, FUNNY, HEALTH & BODY, HOME, NON-DIALOGUE, PATIENTS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 25, 2021
I’ve been diagnosed with a urinary tract infection, so I am taking an antibiotic as well as pills to lessen the discomfort when urinating. I carefully read every word on the package.

This particular medication turns your urine bright orange which, the package sweetly says, will permanently stain clothes, washcloths, rugs, wood floors, and… contact lenses!

What A Bunny Misunderstanding
DOCTOR/PHYSICIAN, EL PASO, FUNNY, RESTAURANT, TEXAS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 23, 2021
This happened when I was in high school in the 1970s. We had just finished our production of “Harvey” and had gone to the local twenty-four-hour chain restaurant. We were all still in costume and, as I played the sanitarium assistant, I was wearing what appeared to be medical-type clothing. As I walked into the restaurant, a little behind my fellow cast members, a guy came up to me.

Guy: “Is everyone in the accident all right?”

I had no clue why he asked me that, so I just looked at him and said:

Me: “I don’t know.”

And I went to join everybody.

As I sat down, I noticed that there were cops and an ambulance a few blocks down the street. That’s when it hit me: he thought I was a real ambulance attendant!

I can only imagine what he thought, a first responder going into a restaurant when there were injured people to deal with. My other thought was, “I’m sixteen; do I look like an adult to you?”

My fellow cast members thought it was funny.

Not Allergic To A Sunny Disposition!
BEACH, CALIFORNIA, HEALTH & BODY, JERK, STRANGERS, USA | HEALTHY | APRIL 21, 2021
I have a blood disorder called EPP; basically, I’m allergic to the sun. I’m sitting in a tent on the beach to shelter myself. Two girls who look about fourteen or fifteen see me — age ten — with my gloves, sunscreen, and huge sun hat.

Girl #1 : “Hi. Why are you in a tent?”

Girl #2 : “Yeah, can’t you just go inside?”

Me: “My family is here; I don’t wanna just leave. The sun and I aren’t friends.”

Girl #1 : “Well, why are you wearing gloves in a tent? Go outside!”

Me: “I’m allergic.”

Girl #2 : “To going outside? That’s dumb.”

Me: “No! I’m allergic to the sun.”

Both girls are starting to get annoyed, even though I’m not lying and they are the ones who decided to talk to me.

Girl #1 : “That’s not a real allergy.”

Girl #2 : “Yeah, stop lying!”

Me: “It is real, and I’m just glad you don’t have it.”

I went back to playing with my little cards and they walked away.

After that, my mom kept telling me that story because she thought it was really nice how I didn’t actually react in an aggressive way. Even though they were being rude I didn’t wish my allergy on them. I know some people are dealing with some crazy allergies; you aren’t alone!

A Most Unreceptive Receptionist, Part 10
EMPLOYEES, ICELAND, JERK, MEDICAL OFFICE, RECEPTION | HEALTHY | APRIL 21, 2021
When I was almost nineteen years old, I moved to Iceland to try to work there. I had gotten the job prior to moving, so that and living quarters were not an issue. The job was as an uneducated gardener, so some of it was physical-labour intensive — digging and moving heavy stuff. It was nothing too bad, but as this was very new to me, I did find some new muscles.

One day, about three weeks after I had started, I noticed that my wrist was hurting very badly, every time I tried to use any equipment, light or heavy. Since I had some small problems with my wrist years before, I wanted to get it checked by a doctor to see if it just needed rest or something more.

As I was in a new country, I didn’t understand the local language too well, so I wasn’t sure where to find a healthcare center. Luckily, there was one close to my working area, so I went there to ask them how to get help.

I waited patiently in the queue, and when it was my turn, I asked politely if we could have the conversation in English. The receptionist started to huff, but she did reply in English.

Me: “My wrist is hurting, and I would like to know if someone could take a look at it. Since I haven’t been to a doctor in Iceland before, could you please tell me how I book a time with one?”

Receptionist: *Huffs in anger* “You cannot just walk in here and expect a doctor to just see you! You need to book a time!”

I was very confused, since that’s exactly what I asked for help with.

Me: “Well, yes, that’s what I’m planning on. I’m not expecting a doctor right now, but I just want to know how to book a time. I’ve never done that in Iceland before. Could you help me?”

Receptionist: *Still huffing in anger* “You need to call in order to book at time! This is not how you do it!” *Starts to look at some papers*

Me: *Lost for words* “But… I’m trying to do exactly that. How do I—”

Receptionist: *Cuts me off* “Here! Take this paper and fill it out. Give it back afterward.”

I was very confused, but the papers were in English, so I could fill them out. Afterward, I went back to the receptionist, since I thought maybe now I could get the info I needed.

Me: “Here is the paper. What now?”

Receptionist: *Still clearly annoyed* “Sit down over there. A doctor will take you as soon as possible.”

Me: *Very confused* “But… I did not mean…”

By now, the receptionist was just glaring at me, so I couldn’t do anything else but sit down and wait. Some fifteen or twenty minutes later, a door next to me opened and a doctor asked me to come in.

Doctor: *Visibly not satisfied, but not angry* “You know, you need to book a time before you can see a doctor here. You cannot just walk in and demand one.”

I was now even more confused and annoyed, but I was still trying to be polite.

Me: “But that’s exactly what I tried to do! I did ask the receptionist how to book a time, but they didn’t answer me. They just gave me some papers to fill out and asked me to sit down and wait! I never expected to see a doctor now or even today!”

The doctor finally seemed to realize what had happened.

Doctor: “Really? Well, there is a phone number you can call. And since you live outside of this area, you should go to another healthcare center closer to your address.”

The doctor checked my wrist, and thankfully, it was only about me not being used to this kind of work, so it only needed as much rest as I could give it for a few days. I was still allowed to work.

But I never got an answer to my original question: how do I book a time with a doctor at the healthcare center in my area? It took me at least a year before I found out on my own, and only because I had learned the language well enough.

You Need The Male Order Catalogue
RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 16, 2011
(I work at a retail store as a tech person. We also work the sales floor. A lady walks in and and I go over to help her.)

Me: “Hi, can I help you look for anything?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a husband.”

Me: “What does he look like?”

Customer: “No, I’m looking for a husband!”

Driving Up Prices And Driving Down Business
BAD BEHAVIOR, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, ENGLAND, KIOSK, LONDON, TOURISTS/TRAVEL, UK | WORKING | OCTOBER 12, 2014
(I’m a native Londoner. Several years ago I had friends visiting from overseas, and took them sightseeing at the Tower of London. I went up to one of the many kiosks to get a drink. At this time, a can of soda was typically around 50p, but I was prepared to pay a bit more due to the location at a major tourist attraction.)

Vendor: “Yes?”

Me: “Coke, please.”

Vendor: “One pound fifty.”

Me: “What?!”

Vendor: *speaking loudly and slowly* “One. Pound. And. Fifty. Pence.”

Me: *with a very obvious London accent* “One fifty for a coke? You gotta be bloody joking.”

Vendor: “Oh, sorry, love. Sixty pence, please. Thought you were a tourist.”

Arabian Plights
AUSTRALIA, BIGOTRY, GROCERY STORE, NEW SOUTH WALES, PHYSICAL, SYDNEY, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | JANUARY 2, 2013
(I have a rather unusual name that leads people into thinking I’m from overseas. Not helping matters is that I have a slight accent because my mother is from New Zealand.)

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “Fine, thanks.”

(She looks at me and reads my name tag.)

Customer: *slowly, while giving me the thumbs up* “I am very good, a-okay.”

Me: *confused* “Well, okay, then.”

Customer: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I live in [Nearby Neighbourhood].”

Customer: “Where. Were. You. Born?”

Me: “I was born in Australia, ma’am. I’ve lived here my whole life.”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! That is not an Australian name; that’s a foreigner name!”

Me: “It is a bit unusual, isn’t it? My parents found it in a baby book. Customers have told me it means ‘brunette’ in Arabic.”

Customer: “Ah-hah! That’s where you’re from. That’s why you have that ridiculous voice! First, you blow up our soldiers, and now you’re working in our stores!”

(She suddenly snatches a bag of biscuits from the counter and throws it at me. I’m too surprised to do anything, but thankfully my manager sees the whole thing and comes over.)

Manager: *to me* “Go take a nice, long break, and let me finish up here.”

Customer: “Yeah, get lost, girlie! This nice Australian man is going to help me.”

Manager: *smiles* “Ma’am, I was born in Iran and immigrated to Australia when I was three.”

(The customer proceeded to scream in anger and threw something at my manager. She was thrown out of the store!)

Braving The Wild Arctic Terrain, One Token At A Time
ARCADE, GAMES, STUPID, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | JULY 27, 2009
(A customer asked me to help with the Skee-Ball machine.)

Me: “Is the machine broken or malfunctioning?”

Customer: “Do you know where the skis are?”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Customer: “Ski ball. Where are the skis for me to play with?”

Me: “Skis?”

Customer: “As in cross-country skis?”

Me: “This isn’t that kind of Skee-Ball. You pick up the ball and roll it up there.”

Customer: “Then why is there a slope with a ramp on it at the end?”

Me: “For you to roll the ball up?”

Customer: “IT’S A SKI SLOPE! Although it’s kind of… backward.” *examines the machine*

Direction Dissection
HOTEL | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 22, 2014
Guest: “I need directions.”

Me: “Okay. To where?”

Guest: “To [Address].”

(The address she was giving me was on the very same street our hotel is on, and I knew the place well.)

Me: “Oh, I know where that is. You just make a left from the hotel, and—”

Guest: *very seriously* “Don’t tell me what to do! I’m not your slave!”

Me: “Um… I never said you were.”

Guest: “Then don’t tell me what to DO, then!”

Me: “Um…okay.”

(Silently, I use directions from the Internet, print it up, and hand it over.)

Me: “Here you go.”

Guest: “Thanks!”

(I saw her a few minutes later, complaining to someone on her phone about ‘a piece of paper that’s telling her what to do.’)