Holistic Medicine and the Western Medical Tradition

See How Nice It Is When The Customer Isn’t Always Right?
AWESOME, BAD BEHAVIOR, BOSSES & OWNERS, CHICAGO, EDITORS' CHOICE, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | JANUARY 7, 2019
(I have been working at a restaurant owned by a German man for the last five months, and he is, hands down, the best boss I have ever had. He moved to the States eight years ago when he married an American woman. Back in Germany, he had three successful restaurants which he sold once he moved, and with the money, he opened one in Chicago. He does not believe in the American way to run restaurants, so he does it the same way he did in Germany. Plates do not overflow, there are no free refills, the customer is not always right, and the best, the staff does not rely on tips to pay rent; we get a proper salary — and still get tipped! After two weeks of working there, I have the unpleasant task of serving one of “Those” tables. The four ladies eat everything they are served, and once I bring them their bill this conversation happens.)

Customer: “I will not be paying for our second round of drinks, and I will not pay for the meals, either. They were disgusting.”

Me: “There are no free refills at this restaurant, so I am afraid you will have to pay for all your drinks, ma’am, as you will have to pay for your food.”

Customer: “NO, I WILL NOT PAY. I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR BOSS!”

(There’s no need to call the owner as he heard the screaming and is already on his way.)

Owner: “Hello. My name is [Owner], and I am the owner. May I ask what the issue is?”

Customer: “We were charged twice for our drinks, and our food was disgusting; we will not pay.”

Owner: *to me* “Have they been charged twice for the same drink, or were they given drinks twice?”

Me: “They all had two drinks.”

Owner: “Okay, madam, we do not do free refills here, which means you are going to have to pay for all your drinks. Regarding the food, you ate everything, so it couldn’t have been that disgusting. However, if it was, you now know what not to order next time.”

Customer: “Your waitress was very rude! I demand to be compensated!”

Owner: “I am sure she wasn’t; we’ve had no complaints thus far. Anyway, if you consider the service to have been subpar, don’t tip your waitress. I now have other customers to attend to. I wish you all a nice evening.”

(At this, he turned around and went back to charming the remaining customers. The complaining customer stood up and left, but fortunately one of the other three ladies had the decency to stay behind and pay.)

When The Not Blind Lead The Blind
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 14, 2011
(I work in a shop with several shelves of vitamins and herbal products. A man walks into the store and straight up to my counter.)

Customer: “Vitamins.”

Me: “What kind are you looking for?”

Customer: “Eyes.”

(He starts to scan the shelves with admirable inefficiency.)

Me: “These ones?”

(I point at the supplements specifically for eyesight.)

Customer: “No.”

(He scans shelves some more.)

Customer: “I can’t see them! You’re useless!”

(He throws his hands in the air and storms out of the store.)

Customers Should Watch Their Language
CALL CENTER, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | DECEMBER 2, 2010
(I work in tech support for a major US cable company, and sometimes we have to deal with people who just don’t want to talk to you because you’re foreign.)

Customer: “You know what? I can’t understand a word you’re saying. You have an accent. Can I be transferred to someone who speaks English?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’m speaking English right now, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I can’t understand you because of your accent.”

Me: “So, basically you’re saying you want me to transfer you to someone else.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Because I have an accent.”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “And you can’t understand what I’m saying.”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “So how come you were able to understand what I just said?”

(A few seconds of silence.)

Customer: “Don’t be an a**-hole and just transfer me!”

Have A Hunch About Why They Want To Munch
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 28, 2015
(Our fries take almost four minutes to cook and a customer has just ordered four large fresh fries. Two people have already told her there will be a wait on them. I notice a strong smell coming from her vehicle when she comes to my window.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, here are you drinks and your fries will be done in about three minutes. If you just pull forward a bit I’ll bring your order right out to you—”

Customer: “Oh, h***, no! I ain’t waiting for my d*** food! Give me my food now!”

Me: “I’m afraid your fries aren’t done-”

Customer: “I don’t care! GIVE ME MY FOOD!”

Me: “You ordered four large fresh fries-”

Customer: “I WANT YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “Our fries take four minutes to cook. Two of my coworkers have already told you that you will be waiting on them. I apologize—”

Customer: *still yelling* “I SAID GET ME YOUR-”

Me: *yelling over her* “EITHER PULL FORWARD OR I’LL CALL THE COPS ABOUT THE STENCH OF MARIJUANA COMING FROM YOUR CAR.”

Customer: *suddenly meek* “Uh… I’ll… I’ll just pull forward.”

(I turn around to see my manager staring at me.)

Manager: “I hope to God she doesn’t complain about you because I’d hate to write you up for that.”

My Coworker Is An Airhead
FURNITURE STORE | WORKING | MAY 22, 2013
(My coworker is filling balloons with helium to decorate our furniture store.)

Coworker #1 : “Did you know that if you fill one of those balloons with twice as much helium, it’ll be twice as weightless?”

Coworker #2 : “Really?”

Coworker #1 : “Yep!”

Me: “Um, you know that helium isn’t truly weightless, don’t you? It may become more buoyant, but it isn’t ever weightless.”

Coworker #1 : “That’s not true. Helium is weightless. How else would it make the balloon float? So it stands to reason that twice as much would be twice as weightless!”

Me: “No, weightless means zero weight. By your logic, twice zero is zero, but helium isn’t weightless. It’s simply that helium is lighter than the gases comprising air. Take the example of a bubble rising to the surface of water because the water is heavier than air.”

Coworker #1 : “But air doesn’t have weight either! Can you feel it?” ”

(To demonstrates his point, he fans the air in front of himself.)

Coworker #1 : *triumphantly* “NO!”

Me: *facepalm*

More Than You Bargained For, Part 3
CELLPHONE STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 26, 2011
(The prepaid phones we sell are displayed on a wall, with their price printed next to each phone.)

Customer: “Hey mate, how much is that phone there?”

Me: *glancing at pricing card* “One hundred fifty nine dollars.”

Customer: “Can you do it for one sixty?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “Sure, why not?”

You No Challenge Tarzan
PET STORE, PETS & ANIMALS | RIGHT | APRIL 13, 2009
(I often wander around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other, and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cares as long as I do my job and don’t hurt anyone. I often get odd looks, though.)

Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

(I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

This story is part of our Hamsters Roundup!

Laptop Flop
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, RETAIL, TECHNOLOGY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 21, 2009
Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I would like to purchase a laptop but want to customize it a little bit.”

Me: “Okay, great! I can help you with that.”

(I pull up her account, and pull up the laptop that she wants to customize.)

Customer: “Okay, I want eight GB of memory, two TB hard drive– Oh, and also, can you please move the ‘delete’ key next to the space bar? I hate having to go to the top of the keyboard to press that.”

Piecing Together An Apology
HOME IMPROVEMENT | RIGHT | MARCH 5, 2013
(I’m the assistant manager currently helping out on the registers, when one of the new hires flags me down for help.)

Me: “Hello. How can I help?”

Coworker: “Yeah, she was wondering how much it would cost for us to put together everything.”

(I glance at the cart and see that the customer, a woman in her early 40s, has a total of 11 furniture pieces, all of which require a lot of time to assemble.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but unfortunately we don’t offer that particular service at this time.”

Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me. [Competitor] would put all of this together for me no problem. Main reason I’m coming here is because you all are cheaper.”

Me: “Yes, and I thank you for choosing to shop with us today. I also know that [competitor] offers an assembly service and that they staff people who do nothing but assemble furniture for their customers. Unfortunately for us, we simply don’t have that kind of manpower or the space to take on that particular service.”

Customer: “I don’t really care if you have the manpower or not! I have f***ing arthritis in my wrists. You honestly think I’d be asking for help if I could do it myself?”

Me: “Of course not, ma’am. Before I go and ask the store manager if there is something that can be done, let me ask you something: are you needing these pieces assembled right away?”

Customer: “Not really. How long would it take you think?”

Me: “I imagine that we could do all this in a little over a week. Reason being is that we’d have various people working on your furniture in between customers. With 11 pieces here, it will take some time to put everything together.”

(The customer reluctantly agrees on the wait time and the store manager agrees to have us assemble everything for free. I take her information and promise to call her whenever her furniture pieces are completed. The following day, she calls in and asks if we’re done yet. This repeats every day for the next four days. Finally I end up taking her phone call on the fifth day.)

Me: “Hello, this is [me], how can I help you?”

Customer: “You can help me by getting my damn furniture finished already. I bought everything last weekend and I have company coming in two days. What the h*** is taking so long? What do you think I’m paying you all for?”

Me: “Ma’am, as I explained to you then, it will take some time for us to put everything together for you because we are low on staff and that it could take a little over a week. You said that that was fine. Secondly, we offered to do this for you free of charge, so you aren’t actually paying us to assist you. But on the positive side of things, we currently have more than half of your furniture assembled and I believe that we’ll be able to have everything put together in two more days if you’re willing to remain patient with us.”

Customer: “You’re all lazy and incompetent! I’m going to have you all fired!”

(The store manager, who has been sitting next to me the entire time, has heard all of this and immediately grabs the phone.)

Store Manager: “Hi, this is the store manager. Now listen here, we have been more than patient with you. Just about every single employee I have, including myself, have agreed at one point or another to take time out of their incredibly busy schedules just to help you out because we value all of our customers. Not once from you have I heard a ‘please’ or a ‘thank you’, yet we still are willing to help out. However, I will not tolerate you berating my employees who are actually completing this project ahead of schedule. Now, if you still feel that we are not moving fast enough for your liking, you are more than welcome to come to the store, pick up your furniture and assemble the rest yourself. I’ll even help you load your car if you need the help.”

(After more incoherent yelling, the customer hangs up. The next day she came in and apologized for her behavior, saying that it was uncalled for. She then went around the store and thanked each employee for being so helpful. Can’t say that I was expecting that.)

You’re An Idi0t
RETAIL | RIGHT | APRIL 13, 2012
(I’ve just handed the customer her credit card receipt.)

Customer: “Why do they put that diagonal line through the O’s?”

Me: “To distinguish the zeroes from the O’s.”

Customer: “But they’re the same thing.”

Me: “Zero is a number, but O is a letter.”

Customer: “No, they’re the same thing!”

The Best Comeback Since Sliced Bread
BAKERY, ENGLAND, HAMPSHIRE, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, UK | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 14, 2018
(I work in the in-store bakery of a major supermarket in the UK. One of the things we do is slice our fresh-baked loaves for customers. Unfortunately, our bread slicer broke a few days ago and we are waiting for a replacement part, so we can’t use it. A customer comes to the service door. She looks to be in her late thirties, while I am nineteen.)

Customer: *thrusting bread in my direction* “Excuse me, can you slice this for me?”

Me: *walking over to her* “I’m terribly sorry, but our slicer is broken. We’ve been unable to slice bread since Wednesday afternoon.”

(The customer leans to the side.)

Customer: “I can see the slicer right there. Slice it for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I know the slicer is there but, as I said, it’s broken. It cannot be used.”

Customer: *huffing* “You people are all the same; your generation is so lazy! All I’m asking you to do is slice this loaf. That’s not so hard.”

Me: “Again, I would love to slice it for you, but I can’t. The bread slicer is out of order. We’re waiting for a part that needs to be ordered directly from the manufacturer.”

Customer: “Look, let me make this simple: you either slice this bread instead of being so lazy, or I get your manager.”

Me: “Our manager knows the slicer is broken. He was the one who had to authorise us ordering the part. You can speak to him if you like, but he’ll tell you the same thing.”

Customer: “Well, this is disgusting! All I want is to get some bread sliced and you’re refusing.”

Me: “I’m not refusing; I just can’t slice bread on a machine that is broken.”

Customer: “There you go with those lazy excuses. You know in the time you’ve made all your lies you could have sliced this bread!”

Me: “Madam, I really don’t know what to tell you. The machine is broken; it needs a specific part replaced and it’s going to take time to get here. In the meantime, we can’t use the machine. If I could slice your bread, I would. But I can’t.”

Customer: “Well, get a bloody knife and cut it for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not something I can do.”

Customer: *smiling triumphantly* “See, your machine isn’t really broken! If it was, you’d have said yes.”

Me: “Not really. We don’t have any knives suitable to slice bread in here. Plus, if you’re going to cut it with a knife, you’d be better off doing it at home.”

Customer: “Fine. Let’s see what your manager has to say about this. I hope you enjoy being unemployed!”

(The customer leaves. My manager does not come over. I decide to make up a few temporary paper signs to put around the bakery aisle to inform customers of our technical difficulties. We didn’t before because all our other customers understood, even if they were a little disappointed. After I put the sign up, I notice the woman is skulking about in the bakery aisle. I wonder what she is up to, so as I put up the signs, I keep an eye on her. Then, an elderly couple, probably in their seventies or older, picks out one of our baked-in-store loaves, and the woman practically jumps on them.)

Customer: “You know they refuse to cut these now? Their staff can’t be bothered. They’re hiring all these young, uneducated people who are too lazy to cut it for us! I tell you, this generation is so lazy!”

(The couple stare at her and then me.)

Elderly Woman: “Oh.” *points to signs I just put up* “Their slicer is broken, deary. I guess you’ll have to make do like my generation did without the luxury of electric slicers and cut it yourself at home with a bread knife instead of being lazy and relying on somebody else to do it for you.”

(The customer was speechless. She turned bright red and left without a word. It made my day.)

The Trouble With Trekkies
CLINIC | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 31, 2017
(During Halloween at my clinic, my boss allows us to dress up a little. Being a Star Trek fan, I wear a Starfleet medical uniform and download a Star Trek soundboard app on my phone.)

Patient: “Hello, sir, I am [name] and I’m here to see Dr. [name].”

Me: “Oh, yes, I have you here right on time. Just have a seat and we’ll call you soon.”

Patient: “Well, while you’re here, I don’t suppose you can scan me with your tricorder to see?”

Me: “Well, if you want me to!”

(I open my soundboard and start playing the tricorder sound as I start scanning him.)

Patient: “Hahaha! Oh, my god! I am laughing so hard, my chest is hurting!”

Coworker: “[My name], you’re such a nerd.”

Me: “I believe that goes with the uniform I’m wearing.”

You Can’t Make Up This
RETAIL | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 4, 2017
(I work at a cosmetics counter in a department store. A lot of men like to joke as they walk by, saying something like “Will you put some makeup on me and make me prettier?” My answer is always the same. This man, however, one-upped me.)

Customer: “Will you put some makeup on me?” *laughs*

Me: “If you want to sit down, I will!”

Customer: “All right, put some eyeliner on me and let’s see if my kids notice!”

(I put some brown eyeliner on him and he left to go find his family, but not before insisting I take a tip from him. He ended up shoving five bucks in my uniform pocket and just walking away. About ten minutes later, he walked back by.)

Customer: *loudly whispering* “They haven’t even noticed yet!”

(Thanks, random man, for making me smile and buying my coworkers and me Cokes with your tip!)

Vocabulary, Meet Veracity
DAYCARE | ROMANTIC | SEPTEMBER 9, 2011
(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

Little girl: “Robert!”

Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

Little girl: “Dammitjulia!”

(Needless to say, “Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)

Also seen on: Not Always Right

Bad At Math But Good At Infractions
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | JUNE 28, 2013
(My mom and I are in line at the register. In front of us is a customer with clearly a lot of things.)

Cashier: “Okay, your total comes to $15.31.”

Customer #1 : “No, that’s not right. The dog food and water comes to $8.00!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry; let me try again. It still comes back to $15.31.”

Customer #1 : “Look, you stupid b****! This should all come to $8.00! Old hags like you shouldn’t be f****** working today. You’re too stupid!”

(The cashier is in tears. My mom overhears this, and walks up to the customer.)

My Mom: “Now you listen, little brat. This woman has been polite, calm and patient with you. Just shut the f*** up and buy your things! Maybe if you had the intelligence to check the prices instead of relying on others, you wouldn’t be in this situation, would you? I’ve had an awful day, and I don’t want to spend the next ten minutes listening to your God-d*** mouth!”

(The customer remains silent the whole time. He buys his things and leaves. We walk up to the register.)

My Mom: “So, how was your day?”

Cashier: “Great! Thank you! I’ve been really stressed out. I really needed that.”

Me: “If you lived with us, you would hear a lot more than that!”

(We share a laugh, and the cashier gives us a discount on our things on behalf of my mom shutting the customer up!)

Full Of Coffee And Appreciation
CONVENIENCE STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 8, 2014
(I’m manning the coffee area during the morning ‘coffee rush’, which means I’m basically making pot after pot after pot of coffee nonstop for about three hours. About halfway through, a nicely-dressed woman comes up to the counter. I smile at her and turn away to get yet another pot started.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Yes? How are you?”

Customer: *smiles* “I appreciate you.”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: “Yes, for always having the coffee filled!”

Me: “Thank you!”

(Thank you, Customer. It’s nice to be appreciated!)

Contains Refunds Not Suitable For A Younger Audience
MOVIE THEATER | RIGHT | APRIL 18, 2014
(My colleague has kicked out a pair of boys from a 15-rated film. Managers have stated to us in the past that screen jumpers do not get refunds.)

Boy: “We want our money back!”

Colleague: “I’ll talk to the manager.”

(My colleague goes behind the concession stand for a couple of minutes and comes out.)

Colleague: “My manager says he will not be issuing you a refund.”

Boy: “Then let us back into our film!”

Colleague: “No.”

(My colleague leaves me standing on gate with these boys.)

Boy: “Why can’t you let us back in?”

Me: “You’ve broken the contract you signed by buying a ticket, which states that refunds are not issued, that you will go to the film on your ticket and not into one you’ve been refused entry to, and you’ve broken the trust in our staff that you will keep your deal.”

Boy: “Well, we’re not leaving until we get our money back.”

Me: “You’ve broken your side of the bargain. We have a zero tolerance policy against people who run between screens for any reason and thus we will not be issuing you a refund. Your threat can be seen as harassment, and at this point your only options are to leave this building, or go home escorted by the police. I really don’t mind which.”

(The boys hesitate, and then run off!)

Not Quite At The Top Of Their Game
RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 4, 2011
Customer: “I would like to buy [game].”

(I note that the game is offered on multiple platforms.)

Me: “Okay. Would you like it for the computer?”

Customer: “No…I’d like it for my kids.”

Do Ask, Do Tell
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | OCTOBER 24, 2013
(I’m in a civilization class. We’re talking about ancient people of the Mediterranean.)

Teacher: “…and it’s suggested that some practiced homosexuality.”

Student #1 : “Ew!”

Student #2 : *to Student #1 * “Really?”

Teacher: “If you have a problem with that, you’re not really going to like when we discuss the more warlike cultures. They believed having such relations on the battlefield made them better warriors.”

(The class, while not disgusted like Student #1 , still takes a few seconds to try to figure out that logic. Then, one of the more spaced-out students speaks up.)

Student #3 : “Does that mean prisoners could be considered great warriors?”

Teacher: “I’m not going to answer that.”

Obama Is On A Roll
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MAY 23, 2013
Me: “May I offer you a basket of bread?”

Customer: “Yeah, do you think I can have a basket of just the rolls?”

Me: “Absolutely! I’ll be right back—”

Customer: “You know I bet 99.9% of people who walk in here only want the rolls. Am I right? Why do you even bother carrying the other bread?”

Me: “Well, sir, actually a lot of people like the other bread. Some people even request baskets with no rolls!”

(The customer is all of a sudden very worked up.)

Customer: “Well, I bet those people are people who voted for Obama!”

Me: “I really wouldn’t know, sir.”

Customer: “Well you could probably just tell by looking at them!”

Me: “Sir, I really have no idea what people’s political leanings are based on their bread preferences.”

Customer: “Whatever…”