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Old 03-05-2021   #1001
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In The Navy, His Fate is Sealed
EDITORS' CHOICE, FRANCE, MILITARY, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 21, 2010
(The restaurant is near a Navy base and therefore, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, are rude and snotty with my coworkers, complain a lot about the food, talk loudly, and sometimes mock the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lights a cigarette after requesting his bill.)

Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”

Customer: “Yes, I can.”

Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”

(The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)

Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”

(At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)

Customer #2 : “Did I hear you’re in the Navy?”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Customer #2 : “You work at the base here?”

Customer: “What? Get the f*** out, you d*** civvie!”

Customer #2 : “You know [Name]?”

Customer: “Who the f*** are you and what the f*** do you want?”

Customer #2 : “Do you know [Name]?”

Customer: “[Name] is my superior!”

Customer #2 : “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”

(The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill, and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)
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Old 03-05-2021   #1002
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Drive Hoo
ATLANTA, AWESOME, BIZARRE, EDITORS' CHOICE, FAST FOOD, GEORGIA, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 13, 2010
Me: “Welcome to [Fast-Food Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’ll take a number 1, 5, and 12.”

Me: “All right, that’ll be $12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

(The customer drives to the window.)

Me: “That’s $12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

(Pause.)

Me: “$12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

Me: “12.”

Customer: “Woo!”

Me: “09.”

Customer: “Hoo!”

Me: “12.09.”

Customer: “Woohoo!”

Me: “…09.12.”

Customer: “Hoowoo!”

Me: “90.21.”

Customer: “Ooh-oow!”

Me: “Well played, sir.”
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Old 03-05-2021   #1003
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Pepperoni Pizza With A Side Of Pointless Paranoia
EDITORS' CHOICE, EMERGENCY SERVICES, PIZZA | RIGHT | MAY 15, 2009
Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Help! Please, God, help!”

Me: “Sir, what’s the emergency?”

Caller: “Someone’s trying to break into my house! Please, send the cops!”

Me: “Calm down… The police are well on the way as we are talking.”

Caller: “I don’t want to die! Oh, my God, why me?”

Me: “Sir, take a deep breath. Do you know this person?”

Caller: “Yeah. I ordered some pizza, I paid, and he gave it to me. I can see through the window it’s him… He’s pounding on my door trying to get in! Where are the cops?!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll stay on the phone with you if it makes you feel safer. Can you yell and ask what he wants?”

Caller: “Okay…” *yells toward the door* “What do you want, man?!”

Pizza Guy: *faintly, behind the door* “You forgot your change!”
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Old 03-05-2021   #1004
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Gadgets & Morals Make Strange Bedfellows
EDITORS' CHOICE, RUDE & RISQUE, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 29, 2007
The customer needs help adding his music into his iTunes library. I show him how, and this happens:

Customer: “Uggghhh!”

Me: “What happened?”

Customer: “Well, I’ll be honest. It’s adding my p*rn.”

Me: *silence* “Oh…”

Customer: “Please make it stop! I don’t want p*rn on my iPod!”

Me: “Click the little X near the top.”

Customer: “Okay, it stopped.”

Me: “Try adding the My Music folder again.”

Customer: “It’s doing it again! Oh, God!”

Me: “Okay, uh… let’s just move it from your My Music folder to a new folder in My Documents.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll do that.”

(A few seconds of silence pass while he moves the files)

Customer: “Oh, man. It’s gonna take 24 minutes for all the files to move.”

Me: “Twenty-four minutes? Are you sure?!”

Customer: “Yes, I’m sure.”

(I show him how to do some other unrelated action while the p*rn is moved)

Customer: “All right, great. Now that we’re done concealing my shame….”
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Old 03-05-2021   #1005
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Learning By Example
AWESOME, JERK, MOVIES & TV, TIME, VIDEO RENTAL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 6, 2009
Coworker: “Whoops, looks like there’s a 30-cent late fee on here for [Movie]. It was returned a day late, so your total will be $6.25.”

Customer: “What?! That’s impossible! I returned it the day after I rented it!”

Coworker: “Well, it was a seven-day rental, and it shows here that you returned it a day late at 6:13 pm.”

(The customer continues to argue very loudly with my coworker, yelling out things like, “Do you know who I am?!” However, I tune it out because a regular customer comes up to my register.)

Me: “Hi, Mr. [Regular]!”

Regular: “Hey, [My Name], love the hair. What’s the damage?”

Me: “Oh boy, $43.76 in late fees? Where did you go this time?”

(The regular leans way over into the other customer’s face and speaks loudly.)

Regular: “$43.76 in late fees, you say? Here is my debit card, miss!”

(He pulls his debit card out of his wallet with a big flourish.)

Regular: “Boy, I should learn to return my movies on time, which is clearly not the fault of this establishment!”

(The other customer shuts up, quickly pays, and leaves.)

Me: “You’re my favorite.”

Regular: “I know.”

(We waived half his fees and gave him a free rental.)
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Old 03-05-2021   #1006
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Time To Stuff Someone’s Mailbox w/Flat Lids
ICE CREAM SHOP, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 8, 2007
Customer, upon receiving her Moolatte: “This has a round lid, can I have a flat lid?”

Me: “I’m sorry, the only lid that fits that cup is a dome lid.”

Customer: “But I want a flat lid, Starbucks always gets me a flat lid! Why can’t you?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the flat lids we have won’t fit that cup.”

Customer: “I want to speak with your manager.” *mutters* “Stupid kids…”

(I go and get my manager)

Manager: “What’s the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “This stupid employee of yours won’t give me a flat lid!” *brandishes the drink in his face*

(My manager takes one of every single lid in the store and puts them in front of her)

Manager: “Go ahead then.”

Customer: *proceeds to try and put the lids on the cup, none of which fit* “This is ridiculous! Why don’t you have a flat lid?! Starbucks always has a flat lid!!”

Manager: “Then go buy your drinks there and leave my employees alone.”
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Old 03-05-2021   #1007
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This… Is… Spyware!
EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 9, 2008
Customer: “Hi, my son says that I have Spartans on my laptop and I should bring it to you guys.”

Me: “Ma’am? Spartans?”

Customer: “Yes, I called my son at school and told him that screens keep popping up all the time, and he said that I have Spartans.”

Me: “Oh! You mean trojans! That’s a possibility; let me run this analyzer on your laptop real quick and we’ll see what’s going on.”

Customer: “Young man, my son is in college and he says it has Spartans. You just stand here in a little uniform and make minimum wage. I think my son knows what he is talking about.”

Me: “You’re right, ma’am. I was hoping to run a diagnostic and find out that it wasn’t Spartans, but just by looking at the login screen, I can tell that you probably have about 300 of the little guys running around.”

Customer: “300?! Is that bad?”

Me: “It’s horrible. They cram themselves into a bottleneck and kill wave after wave of data, until there is a wall of dead programs blocking any more traffic through your computer.”

Customer: “Oh, that just figures. I’m going to go buy a new computer.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I think that would be best.”
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Old 03-05-2021   #1008
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Best. Grandpa. Ever.
AT THE CHECKOUT, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, GRANDPARENTS, GROCERY STORE, PHYSICAL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 20, 2009
(I work at a small grocery store owned by my grandpa. It’s in the middle of summer and a customer wearing a thick jacket comes in.)

Customer: “Can I get some cigarettes?”

Grandpa: “Excuse me, would you mind opening your jacket up?”

Customer: “No, why would I do that!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I saw you take that beer. Give it back and we won’t press charges.”

Customer: “That’s crazy, I didn’t take anything!”

Grandpa: “Sir, I–”

(The customer seems like he is about to run, and my grandpa grabs his arm. The customer tries to shove him away, but in the process he opens his coat and reveals the stolen goods.)

Customer: “GET OFF!”

(My grandpa grabs his balls, and begins squeezing them.)

Grandpa: “Just put the beer down, and I won’t pop them!”

(He put the beer down.)
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Old 03-05-2021   #1009
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A Tale Of Two Sitters
PUBLIC TRANSPORT | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 10, 2012
(I’m on the Metro (subway) during rush hour. Arriving at a station, I see a little girl with a bandaged leg and a crutch getting in the car with her mother. Since there are no seats available, she stays up. A few seconds later, a young man dressed like a thug on a seat behind them calls to the mother.)

Young Man: “Ma’am, take my seat for your child.”

Mother: “Oh, thank you.”

(As soon as the young man gets up, however, a middle-aged lady in a business suit jumps into his seat without saying a word.)

Young Man: “Ma’am, I gave my seat to the little girl, not to you.”

Middle-aged Lady: “You should’ve said so.”

Young Man: “You were right in front of me and clearly heard me. Besides, it’s obvious this girl needs a seat more than you.”

Middle-aged Lady: *angrily* “What’s your point?!”

Young Man: “My point is that you’re rude and impolite.”

Middle-aged Lady: “Who the f*** do you think you are to talk to me like that?! Do you know WHO I am?!”

Young Man: “I think I am someone much more polite and well-educated than you. And to who you are, I frankly don’t care.”

Middle-aged Lady: “YOU LITTLE F***! My husband owns [some big company]! I’m infinitely much richer and more powerful than you!”

Young Man: *grinning* “So, powerful and rich you take the metro to go home?”

(Stunned, the middle-aged lady looks like she’s been struck by lightning. She sheepishly leaves the car at the next station. The young man then turns to the girl and her mother, who are literally speechless.)

Young Man: *to the mother* “Sorry for that. There’s your seat!”

(The whole car cheered and applauded him. Whoever you are, Metro gentleman, you have my thumbs up!)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1010
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The Estrogen Empire Strikes Back
BAD BEHAVIOR, BIGOTRY, BOSSES & OWNERS, FAST FOOD, INSTANT KARMA | RIGHT | MARCH 20, 2008
(A customer had a complaint about his food. He refused to let the woman working the register help him.)

Man: “I want to talk to a manager.”

Female Employee: “Yes, sir.”

(The employee gets a shift manager to help her.)

Shift Manager: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “No, I want a manager!”

Shift Manager: “I am a shift manager, sir.”

Man: “I want to see the store manager!”

Shift Manager: “Uhm, okay, sir, I’ll be right back.”

(I was in the office working on the crew schedules for the next week. Shift Manager comes in and asks me to deal with the customer. She didn’t need to explain. I’d heard it all… He was very loud. I went to help deal with the situation.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Man: “I want to see a f****** God-d*** manager! Where’s the f****** store manager?”

Me: “I am the store manager, Sir.”

Man: “I want to speak to a male manager!”

Me: “Sir, all of my shift managers are female. As, clearly, am I.”

(Actually, every person working that day was female.)

Man: “I demand to speak to your d*** f***ing boss!”

Me: “I can get you a number so you can call my district manager, sir. Will that be okay?”

Man: “Finally! DO IT NOW!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Just a second.”

(I go into my office and grab one of the district manager’s cards.)

Me: “Here you are, sir. If you give HER a call, I’m sure SHE will be happy to help you.”

(I thought he was going to have a heart attack after that. Purple was definitely not his color.)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1011
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Becoming Familiar With Fiber
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, JERK, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 11, 2009
(My dad is standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him is a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly has several more items than the limit.)

Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

(An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

Old Man: “Here, give her this.”

(My dad hands it to the woman.)

Woman: “What’s this?”

Old Man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1012
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A Man Of Many Faces, All Of Them Dumb
AT THE CHECKOUT, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, RETAIL, STUPID, UNDERAGED | RIGHT | JULY 29, 2009
(I had lost my entire wallet just a week prior. A customer approaches my check stand. He has an 18-pack of beer on the belt, and he looks about 20 years old.)

Me: *ringing him up* “ID, please.”

Customer: “You got it!”

(The customer pulls out a wallet that looks exactly like mine, broken chain and all. He then proceeds to show me my own ID.)

Me: *taking my wallet back from him* “Two problems with this.”

Customer: “What the h***, man?!”

Me: “First off, this is MY ID; MY wallet. Secondly, I’m not 21, and neither is this thing.”

Customer: *runs out of the store*
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Old 03-07-2021   #1013
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A Large Can Of Whoop-A** And A Side Of Just Desserts
BAD BEHAVIOR, CHILDREN, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 11, 2010
(Around my restaurant area a lot of kids hang out, most of whom are the unfavorable type. This day in particular, one of them decides to open the door and swear at everyone inside.)

Kid: “All of you are f***ing b****es!”

(We ignore it and try to continue work as if nothing happened.)

Kid: “F*** you, f***ing pigs!”

(We ignore it again and this repeats for another two times. I am getting very annoyed.)

Kid: “Girls should stay in the kitchen!”

Me: “Hey, stop that or I’ll call security.”

Kid: *looks at me up and down* “Whatever! I bet you want to do me, don’t you?”

(The kid continues to talk dirty and make gestures to me, so I cut it off there.)

Me: “Get out of here before I start breaking your legs.”

(The kid looks shocked, probably because he didn’t expect anyone to snap back at him. He runs away. My co-worker, boss, and everyone else in the restaurant applaud and we get back into business. About 20 minutes later, the kid comes back with his mother.)

Mother: “Look, my son told me you threatened to break his legs! I’m reporting you to the police!”

Me: “Did he also tell you he was harassing us?”

Mother: “He told me he was talking to people when you–” *pushes index finger into my chest* “–threatened to break his legs!”

Me: “I can tell you, now, ma’am. He was harassing me and the customers.”

Mother: “Lies! I’ll charge you for threatening a child!”

Me: “Yes, then I’ll sue him for harassment, sexual harassment, and disturbing the peace.”

(The mother looks at the kid with horror on her face but doesn’t give up just yet.)

Mother: “You have no proof my son did that! I’ll charge you for psychological damages!”

Me: “I have plenty of proof on our cameras.” *I point to camera in the back corner, and then to the one at the front* “I also have a room full of witnesses who can give testimony on what he said and did.”

Mother: *stands on her spot stunned*

Me: “So, do you want your can of whoop-a** here, or shall I serve it to you in court?”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1014
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This Is Why We Don’t Color Code People
BIGOTRY, ICE CREAM SHOP, JERK, USA | RIGHT | MAY 1, 2009
Me: “Hi, what can I get for you?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want no god-d*** Chinese serving me.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Get me an American.”

Me: “Sir, I am American.”

Customer: “What?! You think I’m blind? You think I’m f****** blind? Go back to China!”

Me: “Right, one second…”

(My coworkers hear everything from the back, so one of my white coworkers comes out.)

Customer: “Ugh, finally… an American!”

Coworker: *starts speaking Spanish*

Customer: “G**D*** IT! F*** Y’ALL, A**HOLES!” *storms out*
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Old 03-07-2021   #1015
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The First And True Language Of America
BIGOTRY, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, NEW MEXICO, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 23, 2013
(I’m waiting in line behind a woman who is speaking on her cellphone in another language. Ahead of her is a white man. After the woman hangs up, he speaks up.)

Man: “I didn’t want to say anything while you were on the phone, but you’re in America now. You need to speak English.”

Woman: “Excuse me?”

Man: *very slow* “If you want to speak Mexican, go back to Mexico. In America, we speak English.”

Woman: “Sir, I was speaking Navajo. If you want to speak English, go back to England.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1016
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Highway Robbery
CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, GAS STATION, MONEY | RIGHT | AUGUST 20, 2009
(A customer comes to the gas station register and hands me their credit card immediately.)

Customer: “I was looking at the liters display instead of the price.”

Me: “Yeah, I hate when that happens. Let’s see what your total is.”

Customer: “Well, I shouldn’t have to pay anymore than the $20 I wanted to put in.”

Me: “Sorry, but it doesn’t work like that.”

Customer: “That’s bull-s***! I’m just going to drive off! Good luck getting your money!” *drives off without paying*

(I call the police who arrive ten minutes later, which is coincidentally when the customer returns; in his haste to drive off, he had forgotten to take back his credit card.)

Customer: “You stole my credit card, you a**hole!”

Me: “Just give me a second, sir. I’m in the middle of reporting a drive-off to these police officers.”

Customer: “Haha! So I’m not the only one to do a drive-off from here?”

Police: “Today you are. Please come with us, sir.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1017
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About To Get Charged With Battery
BAD BEHAVIOR, EDITORS' CHOICE, FAMILY & KIDS, GAMES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 24, 2009
Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Electronics Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. I bought a Game Boy for my son a few days ago from your store, and it’s not working.”

Me: “Did you purchase a warranty?”

Customer: “Yes, is there anything you can do? My son was playing it earlier, and it suddenly turned off and refuses to turn back on.”

Me: “Maybe it ran out of batteries. Did you try and recharge them?”

Customer: “Wait, this uses batteries?”

Me: “Yeah, there’s a charger that comes in the box. Try plugging that in and waiting a few minutes and then seeing if it works.”

Customer: “But I threw the box out.”

Me: “Did you take everything out of the box?”

Customer: “Let me ask my son.”

(I was put on hold for a minute.)

Customer: “Well, I found the charger, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be needing it.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “My son just snapped the system in half because he couldn’t get it to work. I don’t suppose the warranty covers that?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no.”

Customer: “I see. Then I have one more question: do you have any electronic child-spanking-devices?”

Me: “Nope, sorry.”

Customer: “I see. Guess I’ll need to do it the old fashioned way.” *click*
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Old 03-07-2021   #1018
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Faux-bi-Wan Kenobi
EDITORS' CHOICE, GEEKS RULE, RETAIL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 12, 2009
(I am cleaning up at an office supplies store when a customer walks to the automatic door, about to leave the store.)

Customer: *thrusts hand at door, palm out, as if he’s using ‘the Force’* “Whoosh!”

(The door opens, and he looks back as he exits and sees me looking at him.)

Customer: “Uh, I was just joking…”

Me: “But that door wasn’t even on, sir!”

Customer: *astonished* “Are you serious?”

Me: “Nah, just kidding. Have a nice day, sir!”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1019
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He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best
BAD BEHAVIOR, ICE CREAM SHOP, USA | RIGHT | JANUARY 14, 2009
(While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.)

Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?”

Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk, and non-fat chocolate.

Me: “Oh, okay… I’ll have that done for you in just a second.”

(Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up

Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?”

Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers…”

Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.”

Me: “Thanks for that advice.”

(While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add five pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting it up to a total of about 4,000 calories.)

Customer: *taking a drink* “At least you can make a decent shake.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1020
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When One Door Closes, Another Door Shuts
EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, STUPID | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 6, 2009
(I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)

Customer: “Oh, no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”

Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”

Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”

Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”

Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine! There! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1021
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The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One
EDITORS' CHOICE, HISTORY, HOLIDAYS, HOTEL, TOURISTS/TRAVEL, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 4, 2009
Me: “Thank you for calling the [Hotel]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: *in a British accent* “I need a room for tonight.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we are booked.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “It’s the Fourth of July. We’re always booked on the Fourth.”

Customer: “I know the date! Why are you booked?”

Me: “Um, it’s July Fourth.”

Customer: “Listen, just give me a room!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we are sold out. The entire town is sold out.”

Customer: “The entire town? Why?”

Me: “Sir, it’s the Fourth of July. Independence day.”

Customer: “Independence from what?”

Me: “Um, England.”

Customer: “Oh, bloody h***!” *click*
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Old 03-07-2021   #1022
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UK is OK
ALABAMA, BIGOTRY, EDITORS' CHOICE, RESTAURANT, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 11, 2013
(I’m British, white-skinned, blue/green-eyed, red-haired, Celtic. I’m studying in the U.S. and work at a restaurant part-time. It’s a small-ish town and most people there seem to be quite sweet and any comments on my accent have always been ones of surprise or complimentary.)

Me: “Good afternoon, sir and madam, are you ready to order?”

Customer #1 : *confused* “I’m sorry, what?”

Me: “Are you ready to order?”

Customer #1 : *looks at her husband, confused* “What did she say?”

Customer #2 : “Must be a foreigner not bothering to learn English.” *slowly and loudly* “I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOU. DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?”

Me: *slowly and loudly* “YES, I DO, SIR. I ASKED IF YOU WERE READY TO ORDER.”

Customer #2 : “Oh, this is ridiculous! She doesn’t speak a word of English! Tell you what, all these foreigners are coming into America, taking American jobs from real Americans!”

Customer #1 : “Let’s find one who can understand us!”

Me: “I can find someone else to take your order from you, if you’d prefer.”

Customer #2 : “Oh, she does speak English now!”

Customer #1 : “She was screwing with us the whole time! This is unacceptable! We don’t come here to be made fools of!”

Customer #2 : “Stupid foreigners coming in stealing our jobs and screwing up the American way of life!”

Me: “If you’re worried about foreigners coming to America and stealing your livelihood and culture, you can take your complaints down to the nearest Native American reserve, where they will be more than happy to sympathise.”

Customer #2 : “How dare you?! You think you can come over here and disrespect the American people like that!”

Customer #1 : “We want the manager here now! I’ll have you fired and deported back to your own dirty country!”

Me: “I’ll fetch him now for you.”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

(Customer #1 & #2 rant excessively at him for employing foreigners who don’t speak English and disrespect Americans.)

Manager: “Well, sorry to burst your bubble there, guys.” *gestures to me* “[My Name] here is from the United Kingdom and arguably speaks better English than all of us. And she’s a valued employee so if it comes down to a choice between your custom and her working here, I’m a have to choose her over you two. Now get out of here!”

(At this point, Customer #3 , an old man with a thick southern accent, beckons me over.)

Customer #3 : “Hey, you, girlie.”

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer #3 : “On behalf of the United States Of America, I just wanna apologise for the way those two morons just treated you. I been a citizen here for 78 years, an’ I ain’t never let nobody tell me howta treat people. I served alongside a British guy in a the last war and I never had a problem wi’ him. Far from it.”

Me: “That’s so nice! Thank you!”

Customer #3 : “Woulda married him, too, if people like that wouldn’t make such a fuss about it.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1023
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Some Callers Are Proper Dementor
BOOKS & READING, CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, GEEKS RULE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 10, 2010
(I have a caller named Victor Krumm in the computer system. I’m a Harry Potter fan.)

Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re Victor Krumm?”

Caller: “Yep, that’s me.”

Me: “Sorry, this might sound funny, but did you know that there’s a book series called Harry Potter with a character with that name?”

(There’s a pause, as if he’s thinking, and suddenly he yells.)

Caller: “THE MUGGLES KNOW!”

(He hangs up. His wife calls a little while later to actually schedule.)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1024
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Ah, Children
ALBERTA, CALGARY, CANADA, CHILDREN, COFFEE SHOP, INSTANT KARMA | RIGHT | MARCH 22, 2011
(A customer approaches with her two-year-old son in arms, and her five-year-old daughter. As she is about to order, a customer from a few minutes earlier storms in front of her. She is yelling and screaming incoherently, and throws her drink on the counter.)

Daughter: *to her mother* “Mummy, why is the lady yelling?”

Mother: “Never mind it, she’s just being rude.”

(The little girl scowls, and points at the customer.)

Daughter: “You cut that out right now! You need to be more polite!”

(Taking the example from his sister, the toddler starts pointing and yelling.)

Toddler: “BAD! BAD!”

(The irate customer is embarrassed. She shuts up and storms out. The little girl gets a free hot chocolate.)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1025
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The Dark Chocolate Knight
ADORABLE CHILDREN, AWESOME, COFFEE SHOP, EDITORS' CHOICE, INSPIRATIONAL, USA, VIRGINIA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 12, 2009
(I work in a coffee shop. I am on break in the lobby when a couple walks in. Directly behind them is a cute little boy in Batman costume.)

Me: “Oh, my God! It’s BATMAN!”

(The boy stops, strikes a pose, and starts looking around menacingly. After a few seconds, he approaches the counter.)

Mother: “Jeff, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “I am not Jeff. I am The Batman.”

Mother: “The Batman, would you like a chocolate milk?”

Boy: “Yes. Yes, The Batman would.”

(The couple pays while the boy sits down with his chocolate milk. He keeps a stern look on his face as he sips the drink.)

Boy: *sips* “Gotham is safe.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1026
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Your Prank Got Spanked
RETAIL | RIGHT | AUGUST 11, 2008
(This happened to a friend of mine who owns a gun shop.)

Friend: “Hello, this is–”

Caller: *twelve year old sounding voice* “Your mom!”

Friend: “What?”

Caller: “What your mom said.”

Friend: “A prank caller are we?”

Caller: *mocking tone* “A prank caller are we?”

Friend: “Do your parents know what you’re doing? Because I have caller ID and I can call them back later.”

Caller: “My parents are out of town… duuuhhh!”

Friend: “You must have absolutely no idea what kind of store you just called, then.”

Caller: “A GAY store?”

(My friend puts the phone down and opens the locker behind the counter and retrieves a shotgun. He holds it next to the phone and pumps the action.)

Friend: “Can you guess now?”

Caller: “…”

Friend: “You know, your caller ID gave me a first and last name. All I need to do is open a phone book and I can find your address.”

Caller: *click*
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Old 03-07-2021   #1027
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Small Fish In A Small Pond
AIRPORT, EDITORS' CHOICE | RIGHT | JUNE 12, 2009
(I’m waiting to board a delayed flight with one of Europe’s cheapest and largest airlines.)

Hostess: “Welcome to flight [Number] from Malmö to Dublin. Those of you with seating numbers 1 through 35, please go to line one. Those of you with seating numbers 36 and up, please go to line two. If any of you are traveling with small children or checked in online, please go to the counter and you will be let on board before we start boarding the other passengers.”

(A group of businessmen, about 35-55 years old and in suits, walk to the counter and cut in front of a family with very young children.)

Hostess: “Well, I can see you didn’t check in online, so you’ll have to stand in line. The first line is for early seating numbers; the second line is for la–”

Businessman #1: “Oh, come on… Can’t you make an exception? We’re already standing here and all.”

Businessman #2: “You only have to board us and we’re done!”

Hostess: “No, you’ll have to wait in turn, just like everyone else. The lines start over there.”

Businessman #2: “But I always get to board the plane first!”

Hostess: “You’re not a family with children and you didn’t check in over the Internet, so you’ll have to stand in line.”

Businessman #2: *very angrily* “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!”

Hostess: “No, but you can’t be that important if you’re traveling with us.”

Businessman #2: *quietly retreats to the back of the line with his buddies*
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Old 03-07-2021   #1028
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Needs To Press Paws
AWESOME, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, EDITORS' CHOICE, NORTH CAROLINA, PET STORE, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 29, 2013
(I am cashier at a pet store. I see a man walk into the store, pick up a large and expensive coffee table book on show dogs, and get in my line. My manager has warned me, and shown me a picture of this man. He tries to convince cashiers to give him a refund for items he has just stolen. I immediately page my manager, who, unbeknownst to me, is tied up with a minor medical emergency in the back of the store.)

Thief: “I want to return this item.”

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Thief: “No.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. Without a receipt, I cannot give you a refund.”

Thief: “Give me a refund.”

Me: “Sir, I watched you pick that book up when you came in. I know you did not buy it.”

Thief: “Give me the f****** money, or I’ll kick your a**.”

(Most of the customers in my line start backing away.)

Me: “Sir, I cannot give you any money, and if you leave with that item I will call the police. Please leave the store.”

Thief: “You little a**-hole!”

(The thief grabs the front of my shirt, and rears his arm back to punch me. I throw my arms up to shield my face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash of movement. The next thing I see is a spatter of blood on my counter, and the man out cold on the floor with a bloody nose. My manager, with a paramedic from the earlier emergency, walks up.)

Manager: “What just happened?”

(As I tell my story, an assistant manager calls the police, opens another line, and checks out the waiting customers. The paramedic starts checking on the man, who has a clearly broken nose. The man slowly regains consciousness, and points to me.)

Thief: “She assaulted me! I’m going to sue!”

(I talk to the police.)

Me: “He grabbed me, but I never hit him. I don’t know how he got hurt!”

(The man, a known criminal, is handcuffed and put in the police car. The officers and my manager go to review the security cameras. About ten minutes later, I get called to come back to the office.)

Manager: “You have got to watch this!”

(The camera footage clearly showed the man getting the book, getting in line, arguing with me, and then grabbing my shirt. At that moment, the customer in line after him, a tiny, middle-aged Asian woman, leaped up, grabbed the hair on the back of his head, slammed his face into my counter, and then calmly stepped back to where she had been standing. She did it so quickly that we have to run the footage back on slow to see exactly what she had done. After the thief was out cold, she walked over to the new line that the assistant manager opened, bought her bag of cat food with cash, and left without a word. Apparently, the other customers either didn’t see what she did, or decided to keep their mouths shut. We have no idea who she was, and we never saw her again. The thief was charged with assault on me, and arrested. Wherever you are, lady, thanks! You’re my personal superhero!)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1029
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Jurassic Farce
BAD BEHAVIOR, COUPON, EDITORS' CHOICE, SARCASM | RIGHT | APRIL 15, 2009
Customer: “I need some help locating the item that this coupon advertises. I’ve looked everywhere and just can’t find it.”

Me: “Let’s see if I can help you here…” *looks at the coupon* “I’m sorry ma’am, we don’t sell this item anymore.”

Customer: “Why not? I have a coupon for it. I wanted to get it for my husband for his birthday next week.”

Me: “Ma’am, this coupon was expired fifteen years ago. They no longer make this product.”

Customer: “Can’t you go look for one? I really need it, it would be perfect for him.”

Me: “…sure! It just so happens that I developed a machine that can warp the space/time continuum. Would you like to accompany me on the trip or would you like to stay here?”

Customer: “REALLY? Thank you so much! I’ll stay here and wait for you.”

(I go into the back room for a couple of minutes to let my manager know what I’m about to do, then come back out running.)

Me: “MA’AM! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I MESSED UP AND WENT BACK TOO FAR! I ENDED UP GOING BACK TO THE AGE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THERE’S A PISSED-OFF VELOCIRAPTOR RIGHT BEHIND ME!”

Customer: “OH, NO! I’LL GO CALL THE POLICE!” *runs out of the store*

(I went back to my manager after the customer ran off, and he was literally rolling on the ground laughing.)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1030
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Suffering From A-Salt
ALABAMA, EDITORS' CHOICE, HEALTH & BODY, INSTANT KARMA, JERK, LIBRARY, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 4, 2010
(I’m the director of our small-town library. One of my summer volunteers is a sixteen-year-old girl who is diabetic. She works the lunch shift, and I allow her to eat her lunch at the checkout counter.)

Patron: *to the volunteer* “Hey, can you tell me if you have this book?” *hands over a sheet of paper*

Volunteer: *putting fork down* “Yes. It’s over here. I’ll go get it for you.”

(She walks away. I notice the lady at the desk sniffing the air. She looks around, clearly sees me staring at her, and proceeds to take a large bite of my volunteer’s food. She obviously doesn’t like it, and takes a large container of something out of her purse and dumps it all over the food. She takes another bite, and looks satisfied.)

Volunteer: *coming back* “Here’s your… wait. Why are you eating my lunch?”

Patron: “It was a free sample. And I must say, whoever made it is a terrible cook. It’s very tasteless. I have to put my entire container of salt on this to make it edible!”

Volunteer: “That was my lunch. I’m a diabetic, so of course it wouldn’t taste very good!”

Me: “Ma’am, you just ate her lunch. Why?”

(As I am talking the volunteer scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to me. It says, ‘Ignore what I’m about to do.’ She then falls to the ground, shaking and convulsing.)

Patron: “Oh, s***!” *runs out of the library*

Volunteer: “I learned how to do that to get my brothers in trouble.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1031
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They’re Starting To Catch On
FUNNY, RETAIL, STUPID, TIME, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 25, 2009
Customer: “I thought I should let you guys know your phone isn’t working.”

Me: “Okay. Are you sure you’ve been dialing the correct number?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ve been trying 0800-2100 all week, and it never goes through.”

Me: “…0800-2100? That’s not our number – our number is [Number]. If you don’t mind me asking, where did you get 0800-2100 from?”

Customer: “Right there, on your door.” *points*

Me: “Sir, that’s not a phone number… Those are our business hours.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1032
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Teaching The Next Generation
CLOTHING STORE | RIGHT | JULY 15, 2009
(I’m folding clothes when a young girl of about six comes up to me. Her mom is in a nearby fitting room trying clothes on.)

Girl: “Why do you have to fold those shirts?”

Me: “Well, they have to look neat on the tables, so I need to fold them.”

Girl: “So whenever someone looks at a shirt, you have to refold it?”

Me: “If it gets unfolded, yes.”

(Just then another customer walks up to the table and proceeds to unfold the top shirt from the pile, look at it, and throw it back down on top of the pile.)

Girl: “That must get really annoying.”

Me: “You have no idea.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1033
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Apparently Bad Parenting
BAD BEHAVIOR, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 25, 2011
(I walk into the kitchen and see a toddler reaching for a knife, blade first. I run and grab him before he gets it. He cries, but I let him play with my necklace while I take him back out to his mother, who is attached to her cell phone.)

Mother: “Oh, my God!”

(I hand him to her.)

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, he’s fine, I just–”

Mother: “I’m calling the cops! You tried to kidnap my son!”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Mother: “I saw you! You had my son!”

Me: “Yes, I found him in the kitchen.”

Mother: “You took him in there!”

Me: “Why would I do that?”

Mother: “Cause you want to be a mother so bad that you had to take my sweet boy!”

Me: “If I took him, why would I bring him back?”

Mother: “Stop distracting me!”

(She begins to dial 911. Another customer walks up. I recognize him.)

Officer: “Ma’am, hang up your phone. I’m a cop.”

(He shows his badge.)

Mother: “Arrest her!”

Officer: “Ma’am, I watched your son walk into the kitchen on his own accord. If anyone is getting arrested, it’s you for endangering the welfare of a child.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1034
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When In Rome (Or A Kosher Deli)…
EDITORS' CHOICE, RELIGION, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 9, 2009
(Keep in mind, this is a kosher deli.)

Customer: “Can I get a ham sandwich, please?”

Me: “Well, sir, we don’t serve ham.”

Customer: “No ham? What do you have then?”

Me: “Well, we have turkey, roast beef, corned beef, and pastrami…”

Customer: “But no ham?”

Me: “No, sir, no ham.”

Customer: “What? Do you have a thing against ham or something?”

Me: “Actually… yes, we do.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1035
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Would You Like A Foot To Go With Your Mouth
BAD BEHAVIOR, BULLIES, COFFEE SHOP | RIGHT | JUNE 5, 2009
(I’m a customer and overhear this exchange while waiting in line.)

Barista: “Here’s your change… Have a nice day.”

Customer: “You know, you haven’t smiled once.”

Barista: “Sorry.”

Customer: “I’m so sick of the attitude of people in the service industry! Is it so hard to give your customers a smile as you’re pouring water through beans? You all are so arrogant. It makes me sick!”

Barista: *eyes begin to well up*

Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling?!”

Barista: “…because my father died last night.”

(You could hear a pin drop. The customer was literally glared out of the shop, forgetting her coffee.)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1036
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Just A (Cast The First) Stone’s Throw Away From A True Christian
ALABAMA, BIGOTRY, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, LGBTQ, RELIGION | RIGHT | MAY 15, 2014
(I live in the Bible Belt of America, where homophobia is the norm. I’m a gay man and was outed by a previous coworker, so now I deal with two or three bigots per week. This takes place on an early Sunday morning.)

Me: “Hello. Did you find everything today?”

Customer #1 : *a bigot who frequents my lane just to insult me* “Everything except a good, god-fearing cashier!”

Me: *scanning items and not paying attention* “Your total is $48.50, sir. Would you like to pay cash or credit?”

Customer #1 : “You’re going to Hell, you know! You and all your god-d***ed f****ts! Pick up a Bible and learn how to be a Christian!”

(He then throws his credit card at me. I check him out while enduring his verbal abuse, as usual. Finally, he’s gone to bag his groceries while the next customer comes up. He’s an elderly man, around 60, wearing a sweater and a large prominent cross. I fear the worst but he hands me a gift card.)

Customer #2 : “Bless you, son. I’d like you to have this to make up for those of us who are less than their best.”

([Customer #1 ] has heard [Customer #2 ] and starts yelling.)

Customer #1 : “You’re going to Hell for supporting this f**! Learn how to be a good Christian!”

([Customer #2 ] removes his sweater to reveals he’s a priest. [Customer #1 ]’s eyes widen in shock.)

Customer #2 : “Well, if I’m going to Hell I don’t believe there’s much hope for any of us now, is there?”

(He was the new pastor for the church and one of his first sermons was on spreading love instead of hate. I thank you, good sir, for reminding me what a real Christian is like.)

Did you find this story using our Harvey Milk Day roundup?
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Old 03-07-2021   #1037
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Playing Unfair With The Fairer Sex
BIGOTRY, CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, NORWAY | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 8, 2009
(I provide Internet support over the phone. I am the only qualified technician working today. I also happen to be female.)

Me: “Welcome to [Company] Internet support. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, hello, sweetheart. I didn’t realize I’d reached the reception. Would you please connect me to Internet support?”

Me: “This is Internet support. What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I want help with a technical problem. I can’t talk to you. I want to talk to a man!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that I’ll be able to help you with your technical problem. I am the qualified technician here today.”

Customer: “You are a girl! You have no clue how to help me! This is man stuff. I demand to speak with a man!”

(This continues for ten minutes. The customer gets more and more aggravated, and starts yelling nasty comments. I give up, and connect him to my coworker, who sits next to me. My coworker is male.)

Coworker: “Welcome to [Company] Internet support. My name is [Coworker]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Finally, a man! My Internet is so unstable these days; I can’t seem to stay on it! It takes forever to load and the speed is horrible!”

Coworker: “Sir, I see the problem, and I’m sending a report. It will be fixed on Monday.”

Customer: “What?! It’s Saturday! Why do you have to wait until Monday? I want it fixed now!”

Coworker: “Well, we would need a qualified technician to log into the system to fix your line. It’s Saturday, so there is only one qualified technician working.”

Customer: “Get him to fix it now! I demand to speak with him!”

Coworker: “Sir, you have already spoken to her.”

Customer: “Wait. Her?”

Coworker: “Yes. You spoke to our only qualified technician earlier today. You yelled profanities at her, and demanded to speak to a man.”

Customer: “So, I’ll be lucky if my Internet is up again on Monday?”

Coworker: “You’ll be lucky if you have Internet at all.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1038
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The Forbidden Fruit
ICE CREAM SHOP, ONE-LINER, RUDE & RISQUE | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 9, 2009
(I’ve just finished putting a cherry on top of an older woman’s ice cream. It’s slowly starting to roll down the side.)

Me: “Oh, watch it! You’re about to lose your cherry!”

Customer: “Oh, dearie, I lost that a long time ago.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1039
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Stereo-Griping
CLOTHING STORE, EDITORS' CHOICE, LGBTQ | RIGHT | OCTOBER 14, 2010
(While stocking items on the shelf I notice a guy sitting by the changing rooms with the bored, “being forced to go shopping with the missus” look on his face.)

Me: “Girlfriend making you comment on everything in the store?”

Guy: “Me? No. I’m gay. My friend only just found out and figured we could go shopping together despite my protests.”

Me: “Sorry bout the mistake, you just had the usual ‘get me out of here’ look.”

(At this point the girl comes out of the changing room to show off her outfit.)

Girl: “What do you think?”

Guy: “I don’t know. It’s good, I guess.”

Girl: *in a huff* “You’re no good at this! What’s the point in being gay if you don’t like shopping for clothes?!”

(She storms back into the changing room.)

Guy: “Jeez, this is worse than having to come out to my parents.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1040
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Kookie Cookie Karma
BAD BEHAVIOR, RESTAURANT, STUPID | RIGHT | JULY 16, 2009
Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes. What are these?”

Me: “That is a fortune cookie, ma’am.”

Customer: “It doesn’t look like a cookie. Where are the chocolate chips?”

Me: “Ma’am, these are a different kind of cookie. You open them up and they tell your fortune on a piece of paper.”

Customer: “What kind of cookies have paper in them!?”

Me: “Fortune cookies, ma’am.”

Customer: “This is an outrage! Cookies are meant to be eaten, and paper isn’t EATABLE!”

Me: “Please, ma’am, the paper is–”

Customer: “Shut up! I’m leaving.”

(The customer began to storm out but in her anger missed the door and walked right into the wall. When she finally stumbled out, I opened up the fortune cookie and read its message: “Do not worry. You will get what is coming to you in life.”)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1041
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A Double-Edged Flat Screen
EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 4, 2009
Customer: “You have to help me; I don’t know what to do!”

Me: “Calm down, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My husband and I bought a big screen TV last week from this store.”

Me: “What’s the problem with it?”

Customer: “I want it out of my house! Is there anything you can do?”

Me: “Is it not functioning properly?”

Customer: “No. It works perfectly. That’s the problem. Every night, our house turns into a sports bar; all his friends come over to watch TV until three am and I can’t get any sleep! They eat all the food I cook, they broke my grandmother’s crystal vase, and they spilled beer all over the rugs! I want my house back!”

Me: “Well, you know, ma’am, you could always turn the tables.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have girlfriends, right?”

(The woman’s face displays a grin of diabolical proportions.)

Customer: “You have DVDs here, right?”

Me: “Just over there.”

Customer: “Thank you very much for your help!”

(I took my break just after that and saw the woman carrying in her arms at least a dozen DVDs. Among them: the Sex and the City movie, Terms of Endearment, Sweet November, Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and even Gone with the Wind. Her husbands’ beer buddies never stood a chance.)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1042
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Selfish Smokers
AT THE CHECKOUT, EDITORS' CHOICE, GROCERY STORE, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, USA | RIGHT | AUGUST 21, 2009
Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “A packet of 20 Marlboro Lights, please.”

(I hand him the cigarettes.)

Customer: “Wait, I don’t want these ones.”

Me: “Why? They’re Marlboro Lights. Did you change your mind?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want ones with this health warning about cigarettes causing impotency.”

Me: “Ok. Do you want ‘smoking harms those around you,’ or ‘smoking causes testicular cancer?'”

Customer: “Give me the ‘harms others’ ones.”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1043
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For My Next Trick…
RETAIL | RIGHT | JANUARY 26, 2009
(A woman who had gone through my line earlier that day came up to me.)

Customer: “Give me back my g****** keys!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My car keys! Give them back!”

Me: “I wasn’t aware that I had them. Ma’am, are your keys lost? I can get someone to help you find them if you want.”

Customer: “No! I know it was you who took them! I put them up on this little tray– *points to the tray next to the debit machine* “–and when I got home I couldn’t find them anywhere!”

Me: “When…when you got home? Ma’am, did you drive home?”

Customer: “Well, duh! What kind of idiot are you? Do you think I’m poor?” *gives a disgusted look*

Me: “No…how did you get back here, ma’am?”

Customer: “I drove here, of course!”

Me: “With your car keys?”

Customer: “Yes! Now give them back!”

Me: “Ma’am…if I had taken your car keys, would you have been able to drive home and back here?”

Customer: “No! But I know you took them!”

(I then notice the keys shining in her hand.)

Me:: “Open your hand please, ma’am?”

Customer: *upon seeing her keys in her hand* “Oh, you little witch! What did you do, ‘magic’ them back into my hand?! What kind of store lets witches work for them?!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a witch…but you are a complete stereotypical blonde.”

Customer: “Oh, how dare you! I demand to speak to your manager.”

(My manager, who is a Wiccan and has been listening to this exchange for the past few minutes, comes up behind me, playing with her five-pointed star necklace.)

Manager: *in a mystical voice* “Well, hello there, earth-walker. What can I do for you?”

Customer: *sputters curse words and quickly storms out*
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Old 03-07-2021   #1044
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Quite Rightly, Waiting Impolitely Is Unsightly
CANADA, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, ONE-LINER, ONTARIO, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | APRIL 14, 2010
(The restaurant is very busy, so food wait time is longer than usual.)

Table #1 : “When is our food coming out? This is ridiculous; we’ve been waiting twenty minutes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We are very busy right now, but I’ll be bringing out your food very shortly.”

Table #1 : “Well, I hope so! You’re the worst server we’ve ever had!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. Like I said, it’ll be out shortly.”

(I move to another table.)

Me: “I’m really sorry about the wait, I’ve checked on your food and it will be out shortly. I’m so sorry. I realize you’ve been waiting 40 minutes.”

Table #2 : “That’s not a problem at all… Don’t worry about it.”

Me: “I’d like to offer you your meals on the house, and thank you again for your patience.”

Table #1 : *overhearing* “How come WE don’t get our meals on the house?”

Table #2 : *to [Table #1 ]* “Because WE’VE been waiting POLITELY!”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1045
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Best Not To Exchange With Haters
BIGOTRY, COLORADO, DENVER, EDITORS' CHOICE, ELECTRONICS STORE, LGBTQ, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 11, 2012
(I’m a manager. I am ringing up a woman I have sold things to before. We are making small talk as I ring her up. Note: I’m a lesbian.)

Customer: “I can’t believe the president came out in support for gay marriage!”

Me: “I know; kind of unbelievable!”

Customer: “That f** lover is going to burn in Hell for that!”

Me: *biting my tongue* “Okay.”

(I finish ringing her up and hand the customer her bags.)

Customer: “They should round up all the gays and put them down.”

Me: “That would be bad for me, seeing as I am a lesbian.”

(The woman turns pale and walks out without saying a word. A few hours later, I get a call from the manager of another one of our stores. On the line, I can hear the same customer I previously sold items to ranting.)

Manager: *also a woman* “So, this woman is here wanting to exchange a bunch of stuff from your store. When I asked her what was wrong with the items, she said you tainted them; I have no idea what she is talking about. Could you maybe clear this up for me?”

Me: “Well, I bet it is because she found out I am gay.”

Manager: “I see.” *starts talking in sultry voice* “Well, I’ll see you tonight for our date. You should put on that that black lace bra and panty set I got you for your birthday! I love you!” *hangs up*

(I am very confused, seeing as I have never dated that manager, nor did she ever get me underwear, and as far as I know, she is not gay. Fast forward a few days later to the manager weekly conference call: apparently, the customer left the other store after thinking the other manager was also gay. That manager then called every other store in the area and told everyone about the customer. Over the next few days, the customer went to every store in a 20 mile radius trying to exchange the ‘tainted goods.’ Everyone she talked to pretended to be gay when working with her and she left every time. To my knowledge, she never got her exchange.)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1046
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The Economy Is Crumbling
AWESOME, EDITORS' CHOICE, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 20, 2010
(The phone is ringing off the hook and my coworker finally answers it.)

Coworker: “Hello this is [Store]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Do you have that guitar game that just came out?”

(My co-worker looks to me and I confirm we only have one left.)

Coworker: “Yes, ma’am, but we only have one left.”

Customer: “If you hold that f****** game, I swear I’ll bring you homemade f****** cookies.”

Coworker: “It’s f****** held.”

(Less than half an hour later, the woman came in to pick up her game, with a huge bag full of homemade cookies.)
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Old 03-07-2021   #1047
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Tricks Of The Trade
CALL CENTER, EDITORS' CHOICE, LIARS/SCAMMERS | RIGHT | JULY 28, 2010
Me: “Welcome to [Company] hotline. How may I help you?”

Caller: “My name is [Caller]. I’ve ordered mobile broadband weeks ago, but I didn’t receive squat!”

Me: “Let me just check with customer service to see what we can do about that. Do you mind holding?”

(I put the caller on hold and dial customer services. They check the tracking number for his modem and it seems he has already picked it up from his local post office. He is trying to get a free modem out of us.)

Me: “Hi, I’m back. Looks like I’ve got a solution to your problem. Try to open the mobile partner software on your desktop.”

(This is software that automatically installs itself first time you plug in the mobile broadband modem.)

Caller: “Sure, no problem.”

(I briefly explain to the customer that he couldn’t have done that without receiving the modem.)

Caller: “I want to talk to your manager!”

(I hand the call to my manager.)

Caller: “Your employee tried to trick me! Now what are you going to do about it?”

Manager: “Promote him?”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1048
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Setting Mother Straight
BIGOTRY, FAMILY & KIDS, GROCERY STORE, LGBTQ, USA | RIGHT | JANUARY 23, 2013
(I’m working the cash register when a mom comes through with a teenage daughter in a private school uniform. I’m pretty flamboyantly gay.)

Me: “Hello today, ladies. Did you find everything you need?”

Mom: “Just shut up and finish this, f**.”

(I’m used to this kind of abuse, so I continue ringing her up. I notice the daughter roll her eyes at her mother, but doesn’t comment.)

Me: “And if you could just sign that receipt right there, ma’am.”

Mom: *snatches receipt* “You should be ashamed of yourself! Acting that way in front of my daughter! Homosexuals are ruining this country! Look at those two over there making out in the middle of the store!”

(Her rant continues as she points to a young couple walking through the store holding hands. She then goes on to attack the ‘biker chick’ with the tattoo in the next line. I can see her daughter getting angrier, and finally she snaps.)

Daughter: “Can you please just stop? This guy’s been pretty d*** helpful and probably has better taste in men than you! And those two are freakin’ adorable so leave them alone. You want to hear something really good? I have a boyfriend. We’ve had sex. Oh, and I got a tattoo.”

(She proceeds to rip up the back of her shirt to reveal a tattoo on her lower back before turning back around to face her mother.)

Daughter: “And you can’t say anything because I’m an adult just like every other person in this store. So you can take your prejudiced opinions and shove them up your a**. If you want me, I’ll be at Dad’s!” *storms out*
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Old 03-07-2021   #1049
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Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk
AT THE CHECKOUT, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 11, 2009
(I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

Customer: “Yes, I would.”

Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

(The total rings up as $24.32.)

Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

Me: “Okay…”

(We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Are you serious?”

Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Mom.”

Customer: “What?”

Customer’s Daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry… I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

Customer’s Daughter: *to me* “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

Customer: “Smart a**!”
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Old 03-07-2021   #1050
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After This, She’s Gonna Need An Antidepressant
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MONEY, PHARMACY, STUPID | RIGHT | OCTOBER 26, 2008
Customer: “Hi, can I have some of those allergy medications that are behind the counter? The 24 hour kind.”

Me: “Sure thing…”

(I grab one, because law mandates that the computers only allow me to check out one 24 hour medication for a certain period of time).

Customer: “Oh, I wanted four. Can I have four, please?”

Me: “Sorry, I can only give you one. There’s a law that makes me check your ID on the computer. It won’t let me check out more than one for you, at least not in the 24 hour dose.”

Customer: “Well, can you at least try? If you’d TRY once in a while, you never know what you can do!”

Me: “All right, then…”

(I scan one and sure enough, the second won’t go through.)

Me: “Yup, it won’t let me check out the second one. Your total’s gonna be about 20 bucks.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the third one.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “If the second one didn’t work, maybe the third one will.”

Me: “Ma’am, all four of these are exactly the same. If the second one didn’t work, what makes you think if I rang up another box of the exact same thing would work?”

Customer: “JUST DO IT!”

Me: “Okay… yeah… it’s not working.”

Customer: “Okay, now try the fourth one.”

(Suffice it to say it doesn’t work; after she buys her one box, she comes back about fifteen minutes later.)

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU SELL ME THIS EXPIRED MEDICATION!”

Me: “Err… what? I can guarantee you it’s not. I checked it before I gave it to you.”

Customer: “Oh yeah? Then what’s this? It says FEB 20!”

Me: “Yes… February… of 2020. Not February 20th.”

Customer: “Uh… well, I’m older than you and I probably make way more than you anyway, so I’m right. I’m 42 and I make $[amount] an hour!”

Me: “I’ll agree with you, you’re much older than I am. I’m only 26. But, ma’am, you are talking to a pharmacist. I make twice that. Oh, wait… I’m in overtime now… three times that. Actually, in the time it took me to help you, I just made one hour’s worth of your wage. Is there anything else I can do for you today?”
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