Gangbangers Have To Use The Overflow Parking

Language & Words, Marriage & Partners, Parking Lot, USA, Utah | Romantic | January 27, 2019


(My husband and I took our nine-month-old daughter to the doctor’s for her booster flu shot. We drive into a spot that’s labeled “patron parking,” and my husband observes something to the effect of:)

Husband: “Yep, we’re allowed to park here.”

(I turn and get out of the car, while telling him:)

Me: “The label is probably for game days; the lot is rather close to the [Local College Stadium].”

(He gives me a funny look, and comes around to get the baby out of the car.)

Husband: “What did you say the label was for?”

Me: “Game days!”

Husband: *a massive look of relief rests on his face* “Oh, good. I thought you said they were for GANGBANGS.”

(I was laughing so hard that I barely made it to the building in a straight line.)

Levelling Up Requires Blood

California, Engaged, Fresno, Health & Body, home, Ignoring & Inattentive, USA | Romantic | January 26, 2019


(My sister has MS and can be a little clumsy. One day she is sharpening kitchen knives and misses the sharpener. She ends up slicing her hand severely. She wraps it in a towel and walks to a back room where her fiancé is playing a multiplayer, fantasy-based computer game.)

Sister: “Hey. I cut my hand and you need to drive me to the emergency room.”

Fiancé: “Okay.” *yet continues to play the game*

(She figures that he needs to establish a stopping place, so she leaves to wait by the door. After ten minutes, he still hasn’t come. She gets up and goes back to the room.)

Sister: “[Fiancé]!” *places her hand in the bloodied towel next to the keyboard* “I need to go to the emergency room now.” *points to the towel*

Fiancé: *seeing the blood* “Oh, my God!”

(He rushed her over to the emergency room and her hand is fine. He now has to live this one down with the family because we all ask, “What did you hear the first time?!”)

I Am Violently In Love With You

Australia, Health & Body, home, Perth, Silly, Spouses & Partners | Romantic | January 25, 2019


(I am a young woman with multiple health problems, which have left me in a wheelchair currently. On top of that, my left eye is light-sensitive, red, and watery. I’ve had it checked out by the doctor, but they think it was just a bit of dust, and it’s fixing itself. However, I get to look like I’m crying from the left all the time until it goes away.)

Husband: “Aw, is someone a widdle sad?” *makes mock-crying noises*

Me: “Yes, that is what you’ll sound like… after I shank you in the kidney!”

Husband: “Oooh, ouch. It’s a good thing I love your adorable violent streak.”

Me: “I wonder how much you’ll love it after peeing blood for a few weeks.”

Husband: “Probably less so, then.”

Karma Can Be Jarring

Bigotry, California, Extra Stupid, home, Los Angeles, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 24, 2019


(I’m over a friend’s house, hanging out with her, her husband, and their mutual friends who are also a husband and wife. The other husband is sort of a “macho” guy, someone who was a complete jock back in high school. My friend recently had to fix their backyard’s door. I’m not sure what they did, but it made it somewhat difficult to open, so you have to push on it harder than usual to get it to move. I visit often so I know how to open it already, but this is apparently the first time the other couple knew of the door change. I need to use the restroom, and the other husband notices me shouldering the door open.)

Husband: *laughing* “Did you seriously have to throw yourself against the door to get in?”

Me: “It’s hard to open!”

Friend’s Husband: “We recently fixed it so it’s, uh, sturdier now, to say the least.”

Husband: *condescending baby voice* “D’aw, so it’s too hard for the ‘wittle’ girl to get through now?”

Wife: “Don’t be an a**, [Husband].”

(I roll my eyes but ignore it for the most part. Though he’s not the type of guy I would’ve ever hung out with independently, I know they’re still friends of my friends, so I tolerate it. It’s not like he’s a real pain or anything, and I get along with the wife well enough. When I come back out, he makes another teasing remark, but we get over. Not much later, he gets up to use the restroom, as well. He’s not paying attention, still talking to the group as he walks up, turns the handle of the door, and completely smacks against the door mid-sentence.)

Husband: “What the f***?!”

(Naturally, the rest of us burst out laughing. There are even face smudges on the polished wood that he tries to rub away without success. His wife is practically in tears and is still getting bouts of giggles even after he returns. When he sits down, he makes eye contact with me, and he must see the mischievous twinkle in my eye because he holds out his hand to stop me.)

Husband: “No! Don’t. Not another word.”

Me: *grins* “I didn’t even say anything!”

(The wife’s fit of giggles starts up again. The night goes on, and eventually, it is time for the other couple to leave. As we are saying our goodbyes, the husband gives a “one moment” signal to his wife. He faces the door, puts his hand on the handle, turns it, and then practically RAMS into the door! While it’s difficult to open, it’s not THAT hard. He, of course, ends up barreling through as the door swings wide open, tripping and face-planting onto the inside carpeting.)

Friend: “Dude!”

Friend’s Husband: “Oh, Jesus.”

Wife & I: *bursts out laughing again*

(The guy’s not a lightweight when he drinks, and since he only had two or three beers, there was no explanation as to why he did this. Thankfully, his wife was driving, anyway. I haven’t seen them since, but my friend tells me that it’s a running joke that his wife opens the door for him now.)

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 13

home | OH, USA | Romantic | February 11, 2015


(I’ve been in a crabby mood all day due to lack of sleep the night before, so my boyfriend’s usual perverted jokes throughout the day have been irritating me. This happens right before bed, after he’s kept me awake for three hours past when I wanted to go to sleep.)

Boyfriend: “You wanna have sex?”

Me: *groans tiredly* “Honey, I’m sorry. I’m so tired, and I’ve been in a bad mood all day, so we haven’t really been getting along. I wish you’d asked earlier while I was still awake, at least.”

Boyfriend: *sweetly, but disappointed* “It’s okay, sweetie.” *gives me a kiss* “Goodnight.”

(He rolls over to go to sleep. After about three full minutes of complete silence, he rips a huge fart.)

Me: *laughs for the first time all day*

Boyfriend: *cutely* “I love you!”

Me: *laughing so hard I can’t even respond*

(Somehow that fart, his cuteness that followed, and him making me laugh managed to undo my day’s frump, and I happily honored his request for sexy time. When I told him later that what had put me in the mood was his fart, he made a grossed-out face and told me how weird I am, but that he loves me anyway.)

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 14

home | Czech Republic | Romantic | September 1, 2015


(I’m in my boyfriend’s bedroom when I accidentally let out a very smelly fart.)

Boyfriend: “Honey, you know I love you, but you should go home right now.”

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 15

Car | Kitchener, ON, Canada | Romantic | June 30, 2016


(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the car after spending the day together for our nine-month anniversary. He’s never really been afraid to fart in front of me, because he knows that I don’t care if he does unless I can smell it.)

Me: “That was charming….”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “I can smell that.”

Boyfriend: “But why are farts gross? They’re really just butt sneezes! They should be blessed, like regular sneezes!”

Me: “Wait… What did you just say?”

Boyfriend: “They’re butt sneezes! Think about it! People should say bless you when you fart!”

Me: “That’s going on the Internet.”

Love Isn’t The Only Thing In The Air, Part 16

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Revolting, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 23, 2019


(A friend relayed this story to me. She and her boyfriend have gotten very close over the past three years. This is the conversation she had with him:)

Friend’s Boyfriend: *farts*

Friend: *laughs* “Why does it sound like a question?” *continues laughing*

Friend’s Boyfriend: *confused* “What? What do you mean?”

Friend: *still laughing* “It’s like your butt said, ‘Huh?’ like a question!”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Well, if my fart is the question, your fart is the answer.”

Taking Stock Of A Romantic Christmas

Ireland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, Supermarket | Romantic | January 22, 2019


(My husband has always earned more than I have, and I do feel bad about that sometimes. For Christmas, I usually get him one or two presents that he wants, a stocking full of sweets and fiddly bits, and a few craft beers to try and make myself feel better about my lower budget. I even made the stocking a few years back. We go out shopping today, Christmas Eve, to get some drinks for a party with his family, and I notice him looking at my preferred ciders while I wrangle our toddler.)

Husband: *looking up sheepishly* “I was trying to quietly get some for your stocking.”

Me: “Joke’s on you; I don’t even have a stocking!”

Husband: *laughing* “D*** it!”

Husbandly Rights Are Very Wrong

Australia, Bad Behavior, New South Wales, Office, Spouses & Partners, Sydney | Romantic | January 21, 2019


(A coworker just told us that she’s discovered her husband has been having an affair with her best friend and has left her. We are full of pity for her, but she tells us not to worry as she hasn’t loved or even been attracted to him for a long time and that she hated the fact that he treated her like a slave. Six months later, we’ve returned to work after our Christmas break.)

Coworker #1 : “[Husband] left [Ex-Best Friend] and came home on Christmas Eve.”

Coworker #2 : “Really? You let him move back in?”

Coworker #1 : “Yes, he was upset with the disgusting way [Ex-Best Friend] was treating him. Would you believe she expected him to get his own coffee when he wanted one?”

Coworker #2 : “Are you serious?”

Coworker #1 : “Oh, that’s not the worst, either. He had the day off on Christmas Eve, and she went to work without making him lunch before she left. Then, when she got home, he told her he was hungry, and she told him he knew where the kitchen was. Then, she had the hide to ask him to make her a sandwich because she was tired. He packed and moved back home right away.”

([Coworker #2 ] and I exchange WTF looks.)

Coworker #2 : “You didn’t just take him back because of that, did you?”

Coworker #1 : “Of course. I’m only the wife; he’s got husbandly rights. But don’t worry; I do punish him by just laying there when he wants sex.”

Coworker #2 : “I thought you said you were not attracted to him and didn’t love him anymore.”

Coworker #1 : “I don’t love him and hate him touching me.”

Coworker #2 : “So, why would you take him back and have sex with him?”

Coworker #1 : “It’s his husbandly right to expect sex, and I have no right to refuse him.”

Phlegm Definitely Isn’t Cute

California, Health & Body, home, Revolting, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 20, 2019


(My partner and I have a little routine. I say, “How did you get so cute?” and he says “Radioactive cute-onium!” This time, though, he has a cold.)

Me: “How’d you get so cute?”

Partner: “Um, I think it’s because of all the non-cute substances I’m expelling from my body.”

Me: “Fair. Enough.”

The Price Of Flirting

Chicago, Flirting, Ignoring & Inattentive, Retail, Strangers, USA | Romantic | January 19, 2019


(I’m at a large home and garden store with my mom, buying a wedding gift for a friend. We head up to the cashier, an attractive guy around my own age. Please note that between my Asperger’s and personal issues, I have some difficulty picking up on certain social cues and whatnot.)

Sales Guy: *smiling widely* “Your total is [amount lower than I expected].”

Me: “Huh? That’s odd. I’m sorry, but are you certain that’s right? I thought it’d be closer to [actual price] with some tax.”

Mom: “Shhh!”

Me: “What? I don’t want him to get in trouble for an oversight.”

Sales Guy: *still smiling* “Nope, it’s fine; your total’s still [lower amount].”

Me: “If you’re sure…” *pays and leaves, totally baffled by the discrepancy*

(As we’re walking to our car, my mom turns to me.)

Mom: “I think that guy was flirting with you.”

Me: “Wait, seriously?!”

(I’ve never been back to that location, but whether he was just being nice or flirting, I wish I could say, “Thank you,” for the extra discount, sir, and sorry for the obliviousness!)

Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance, Part 2

Dating, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Health & Body, Restaurant, UK | Right Romantic | January 19, 2019


Patron #1 : “Why do you have two ice cream options?”

Me: “One is made with cow’s milk, while the other is made with coconut milk.”

Patron #1 : “What’s the difference?”

Me: “One is vegan-friendly and safe for those with lactose sensitivity.”

Patron #1 : “I don’t understand. Which should I get?”

Me: “I assume after the chicken you just had that you are neither vegan nor lactose intolerant, so I would suggest the ice cream made with cow’s milk.”

Patron #1 : “No, I think I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “But your sauce was prepared with milk. Are you all right?”

Patron #1 : “I think so.” *to [Patron #2 ]* “Am I?”

(I stare at both of them while [Patron #2 ] face-palms.)

Patron #2 : “I think we’ll risk it.”

(I bring them their ice cream. Half an hour later I am asked to bring the bill, and [Patron #2 ] offers to pay with a card. I take him to the reader.)

Me: “Are you sure he’s all right? I don’t want him to get sick.”

Patron #2 : “I don’t think he knows what it means, so I think it’s safe to assume he’ll be fine.”

Me: *worried* “Oh, I thought you knew each other. I shouldn’t have suggested the cow’s milk.”

Patron #2 : “No, seriously. Even if he is lactose intolerant, I doubt there’s enough going on in there to make the connection. I think I’ve actually gotten dumber just spending the night with him.”

Me: “Oh, I see. Well, please let us know if there are any problems.”

Patron #2 : “Sure, although I doubt I’ll see him after tonight. I don’t know if I’ll ever use Grindr again!”

Related:
Lactose Intolerance Versus Lactose Ignorance

Tooth And Brain Decay

California, Extra Stupid, Great Stuff, home, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 18, 2019


(My husband has just had some dental work done. He wants to brush his teeth, but we use electric toothbrushes, and he thinks those will be too harsh on his tender gums.)

Husband: “Babe, do we have any non-electric toothbrushes?”

Me: “Yes, I think so, behind the bathroom door in the cubbyholes.”

Husband: “Oh, darn. None there.”

Me: “Well… you could use your electric one and not turn it on?”

Husband: “Oh, jeeze. I should have thought of that! I think the dentist injected Novocain into my brain.”

Hot Enough To Burn

Bosses & Owners, Comeuppance, Harassment, Non-Dialogue, Noord Brabant, School, The Netherlands | Romantic | January 17, 2019


This happened in 2003. I am male and had one male boss who was in his sixties and about 1,50 meters — five feet — tall. We were the IT-guys at a school.

One day we got a trainee, a lovely and beautiful girl about 18 years old who would be helping us for the next ten months. My boss was notorious for his sexist and creepy “compliments” he gave to women. He already had received several warnings but sadly, there was no way to fire him because his behaviour was just annoying but not considered sexual harassment at that time.

My boss began hitting on the trainee with all sorts of cheesy remarks. The first time I heard it, I immediately told him to shut up or I’d tell his wife. Visibly embarrassed, he left the room and I thought that was the end of it.

A few days later I found the trainee in tears behind her desk. You’ve already guessed it: the boss wasn’t planning on stopping his creepy behaviour. I really felt sorry for the girl because as far as I could judge she could become one h*** of a sys-admin.

That evening I spoke about this to my wife. She had some creepy and sexist remarks from my boss when she sometimes came to school to pick me up, so she could imagine how the girl must feel. Suddenly she began to laugh, took some paper, and wrote some lines down.

She gave it to me and said, “Have your trainee learn these lines by heart. The next time he’s bothering her again, she must say them in a very loud voice.”

The next day I gave the paper to the trainee and told her what to do. She read the lines, began to laugh, and said she couldn’t say those things to the boss. I told her that if she wanted to stay here without the crap my boss was giving her, she had no other options. We could report my boss, and he would get another warning, but nothing would change. The trainee wanted to stay at our school so she began to memorize the lines.

It was Friday, and she said she would study the lines over the weekend. The next Monday we started work and my boss phoned that he wouldn’t come in until lunchtime. Fine. Lunchtime came and the trainee and I went for a coffee in the break room. Most of the teachers and the principal were there, too, so we had to wait in line.

The trainee poured herself a coffee, and as if on cue there was the boss, saying, “Oh, such a hot girl shouldn’t drink hot coffee. I can’t handle you if you’re too hot.” The trainee turned around and yelled at him:

“Now, you listen, you oversexed, over-aged, undersized albino smurf! I don’t want to hear your foul mouth ever again. I’ve had enough of you, creep. Leave me alone or I’ll drown you in the first toilet bowl I can find. It would take just one flush to get rid of the body.”

The room went silent for a moment, and next, there was hysterical laughter and clapping.

The boss made an exit and the principal went after him. When we came back from lunch, there was a note on my desk that the boss had decided to take some time off to evaluate his career.

The last we heard was that he had applied for early retirement without a goodbye party. I asked my wife where she got those lines from.

She said, “You know how sometimes you only come up with good lines long after the fact? I’ve had these lines prepared just in case I ever met your boss again. I never expected them to work so efficiently.”

So Excited They Could Puke

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Car, Health & Body, Proposal, Silly, USA | Romantic | January 16, 2019


(I am on my second day of severe food poisoning when my girlfriend and I decide we absolutely have to go to the urgent care to get me feeling better, knowing I have to get at least an IV. Two weeks ago, I purchased an engagement ring and had been planning on proposing the day I got sick. Being overly romantic is something I have never been accused of, and this time is no different. We are halfway down the highway to urgent care when I painfully shift towards her in the car and pull out the ring. She takes one look at it and nearly drives us into the wall in shock… and holds out her right hand.)

Me: “No… I actually do mean the other hand…”

(She starts crying and hands me her left hand, all the while trying not to crash, and I flop back down weakly into the seat.)

Me: “So… is that a yes?”

(Luckily, yes, it was a yes. When we tell the story of how we got engaged, we like to say it was only because I didn’t think I was going to live long enough to “have to actually get married

Technically It’s Bee Vomit, But It’s Still Sweet

Chicago, Fast Food, Love/Romance, Parents/Guardians, Punny, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 15, 2019


(My parents rarely show romantic affection towards one another, particularly out in public. We’re all in the family SUV, and we’ve just gone through the drive-thru at a fast food place when I notice my order’s not right.)

Me: “Oh, geez, they forgot the honey for my chicken nuggets.”

Dad: *pats Mom’s leg* “I’ve got my honey right here.”

Mom: “Aw, you’re so sweet!”

Dad: “Just like you; you’re my sweet bee s***.”

Love Is True When It Can Mock Itself

Mall, Nebraska, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 14, 2019


(My husband and I are walking through the mall, on our way to buy a birthday present for a friend. My husband and I don’t really have a preference for fancy jewelry. For example, my engagement ring had an opal instead of a diamond, and our wedding bands are sterling silver with acorns and oak leaves. We are laughing as we walk hand in hand. As we pass a jewelry store, this happens.)

Sales Lady: *with a huge smile* “Helllooo!”

(My husband nods back as we are walking.)

Sales Lady: *waving us over* “Come on over! We have some great deals for the holidays!”

Husband: “Nah, she’s not worth it!”

Sales Lady: “What did you say?”

Husband: “It’s fine! SHE’S NOT WORTH IT!”

(The look of horror on the sales lady’s face is priceless as we merrily walk by.)

Me: “Next time tell them I’d just pawn it for drugs.”

Love Is True When It Can Mock Itself

Mall, Nebraska, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 14, 2019


(My husband and I are walking through the mall, on our way to buy a birthday present for a friend. My husband and I don’t really have a preference for fancy jewelry. For example, my engagement ring had an opal instead of a diamond, and our wedding bands are sterling silver with acorns and oak leaves. We are laughing as we walk hand in hand. As we pass a jewelry store, this happens.)

Sales Lady: *with a huge smile* “Helllooo!”

(My husband nods back as we are walking.)

Sales Lady: *waving us over* “Come on over! We have some great deals for the holidays!”

Husband: “Nah, she’s not worth it!”

Sales Lady: “What did you say?”

Husband: “It’s fine! SHE’S NOT WORTH IT!”

(The look of horror on the sales lady’s face is priceless as we merrily walk by.)

Me: “Next time tell them I’d just pawn it for drugs.”

Just Be Present

home, Maryland, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 13, 2019


(My partner has recently suffered a nervous breakdown and their therapist has ordered them to take a day off — absolutely no work, and nothing stressful. My partner is a huge fan of surprises and hates finding out about presents early.)

Me: “If I find out you’re doing work, I swear, I will send you photos of your birthday present.”

Partner: “You really got me there, love

If You Still Have Underwear By Sunday You’re Not Doing It Right

Health & Body, home, Massachusetts, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 13, 2019


(My husband has two hearing aids, and I often forget about them in the early morning before he puts them back in after showering, which makes for some interesting conversations. He is also terrible about sorting clothes when he puts laundry away, so things like socks and underwear always end up in the wrong place.)

Me: “Tomorrow’s Saturday, right? Do we have anything going on?”

Husband: *not hearing, and pulling something out of his drawer* “I have a pair of your underwear.”

(Glad those will be going on tomorrow!)

It Needs To Be A Nudge Nudge Wink Wink Before It’s Official

Extra Stupid, Flirting, Harassment, Hungary, School, Schoolmates, Strangers | Romantic | January 12, 2019


(I have glasses, and sometimes when they get dirty I close one of my eyes and look to see if it’s that side of the glasses or the other that’s dirty. I am walking to class and I see some blurriness, so I do the thing I mentioned. I close one of my eyes and look. Then I notice a boy looking funny at me. I brush it off because not everyone does what I do. It is later that day when I am waiting in the hall and browsing NotAlwaysRight. The same guy I saw sits down next to me and starts to lean in and play bad music on his speaker. I just keep sitting there, still reading.)

Guy: “Soooo… a couple of hours ago…”

Me: *looks up and waits for him to continue*

Guy: *raises eyebrow*

Me: *still waiting*

Guy: *starts to lean in, probably for a kiss*

Me: “Uh. You okay?”

Guy: “Yeah? Why? You scared?”

Me: “No, just confused.”

Guy: “What’s confusing? You were winking at me just a while ago!”

Me: “…” *remembers this is the same dude as before* “Sorry, I was just looking through my glasses.”

Guy: “Yeah, right.” *stands up and starts to leave*

Me: “Well… good luck to the next girl you want to randomly kiss in the hall.”

Guy: *looks at me surprised and hurries away*

(Peeps, if you think someone is winking at you, that doesn’t mean you can just kiss ’em.)

They Both Want A Piece Of The Action

home, New York, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 11, 2019


(I am a fairly large-chested woman. My husband and I are medieval re-enactors, discussing the type of costumes I’d like him to make for me. We’ve settled on a style of men’s clothing that includes a codpiece.)

Husband: “I promise I won’t go overboard on the codpiece.”

Me: “Thank you. I’d like to enter the room at the same time as it does.”

Husband: *indicating my chest* “Just so you know, that gives me a lot of leeways.”


Me: “Fine. I don’t want to see it past my boobs

Needs To Reorient Their Detective Skills

Chicago, Coworkers, Extra Stupid, Illinois, Police, Police Station, Spouses & Partners, USA | Friendly Legal Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My cousin is a very masculine, straight-acting police officer. The following exchange takes place in his precinct.)

Officer: “God, my wife is driving me nuts. Women, huh? Doesn’t your wife just make you crazy sometimes?”

Cousin: “I don’t have a wife.”

Officer: “Ah, sorry, I saw the ring. Divorced, huh?”

Cousin: “No.”

Officer: “Oh. Widowed?”

Cousin: “No, I’m definitely still married.”

Officer: *now very confused* “So, you do have a wife?”

Cousin: *starting to snicker at the routine* “No.”

Officer: *as several other cops within earshot also start to crack up* “I don’t understand.”

Sergeant: *yelling in exasperation* “He’s married to a man and therefore has a husband! Jesus Christ, [Officer], how do you expect to make detective with those deductive reasoning skills?”

Officer: “Ohhhhh.”

Oh, My Sweet Summer Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Oklahoma, USA | Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)


Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”


Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

Oh, My Sweet Summer Boyfriend

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Extra Stupid, Grocery Store, Oklahoma, USA | Romantic | January 10, 2019


(My boyfriend has taken a liking to a European candy that randomly showed up in our local grocery store, but once they run out of the first shipment they never seem to restock. We find the same candy at another branch of the store, but the packaging seems much smaller than the ones we got before.)


Boyfriend: “Huh, these only come in fours; the ones we got before were in eights.”

Me: “Maybe we accidentally had two stuck together last time and didn’t realize.”

Boyfriend: “That couldn’t be it. The alarms would have gone off, then, wouldn’t they?”

Me: *looking at him quizzically* “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, if you don’t scan the barcode, then the alarms by the doors will detect it and go off, right?”


Me: *fighting down laughter* “That… that’s not… those sensors detect the electronic tags they put on expensive items, not barcodes!”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “How would it detect a barcode through your bags? Even the checkouts can’t do that!”

Boyfriend: “So… Wait, what keeps people from stealing the stuff without tags?!”

Me: “Cameras and common decency!”

(I swear my boyfriend is normally very smart, but I was reminded very strongly that day that he has never in his life worked retail.)

You Have Her Cornered

Boston, Extra Stupid, Geography, home, Massachusetts, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 9, 2019


(When my wife and I are still dating, we usually stop by her parents’ place when we finish working on Fridays. On this particular Friday, we are going to have a barbecue. However, before we get there, my future father-in-law, who is doing the cooking, desperately needs the bathroom. Given that his wife is busy working on dessert and his other daughter is fast asleep, he trusts his son to man the grill while he runs in to do his business. This is his son who, despite pushing 30, has never cooked anything without a microwave. By the time we walk in the door, the whole meal is charcoal.)

Wife: “How about we just get some sandwiches from [Irish Name]’s?”

(We all agree and write down our orders.)

Wife: “I’ll help them clean up. Why don’t you go get the sandwiches? Follow [Her Street] to [Major Street]. [Irish Name]’s is right on the corner there.”

(Off I walk. When I get to the intersection, I am directly in front of a barbershop. Across [Her Street] from the barbershop is a Western Union. Across [Major Street] from the barbershop is a gas station and body shop. Across [Major Street] from the Western Union is a condominium. There’s not one place called [Irish Name]’s. Without a clue, a pop into the barbershop to ask if any of them know of [Irish Name]’s. The two barbers have never heard of any such place. I know I didn’t mishear which street I’m supposed to stop at. Even if I did, following her street the other way to the next major street would take me to a church, a cemetery, and two private houses. So, I walk up this street until I get to the next intersection. There’s a mini-mart — no sandwiches — an apartment building, a florist, and a dentist. I walk back the other way. A bakery — no sandwiches — a Chinese restaurant, a cab depot, and a realtor. Out of ideas and having wasted a fair bit of time, I walk back to her parents’ house.)

Wife: “Where have you been? And where are the sandwiches?”

Me: “Where am I going?”

Wife: “[Irish Name]’s!”

Me: “Where is it?”

Wife: “ON THE CORNER!”

Me: “There is no [Irish Name]’s on any corner.”

Wife: “Of course there is! I got my lunch there just last week!”

Me: “Well, the barbers down the corner said they’ve never heard of it. How about you show me where?”

(The two of us walk back down to [Major Street]. She leads me across towards the gas station… and then continues walking past it.)

Me: *pointing behind us* “You said it was on this corner.”

Wife: “It is!”

(She walks into the building directly behind the gas station.)

Me: “This isn’t the corner. The gas station is on the corner.”

Wife: “Gas stations don’t count. This is the corner.”

(Unwilling to continue this discussion, I just roll my eyes. As I do, I glance at the name of the place we’ve walked into.)

Me: “This also isn’t [Irish Name]’s. This is [Italian Name with a completely different starting letter and more syllables]’s.”

Wife: “This place is always being sold and renamed. We don’t bother following. It was [Irish Name]’s when we first moved here, so we just call it [Irish Name]’s.”

Me: “And you expected me to know that?”

Wife: “It’s on the corner!”

Appallingly Unaware

Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Games, home, Language & Words, Pennsylvania, USA | Romantic | January 8, 2019


(My boyfriend and I are playing a video game where you can get hit with electricity that either shocks or stuns you. We’re playing on two different monitors. He gets hit.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, no, I’m stunned.”

(About five minutes later, I hear:)

Boyfriend: “Now I’m shocked.”

Me: *not able to help myself* “What’s next? You’re going to be appalled?”

Love Needs Its Beauty Sleep

Harassment, home, Phone, Strangers, Tennessee, USA | Romantic | January 7, 2019


(It’s very late at night, and I am sound asleep when my phone rings.)

Me: *groggily* “H’lo?”

Voice: “[Not My Name]? [Not My Name], it’s Bob.”

Me: “Bob?”

Voice: “Yes. I need to know how you feel about me.”

Me: “What?”

Voice: “Look. I’ve been in love with you for years, and I need to know if you feel the same way.”

Me: “Who is this?”

Voice: *impatiently* “It’s Bob; you know me!”

Me: “It’s 2:30 in the morning. I don’t know who you are, and if you were in love with me, then you’d know better than to call me at this hour.”

Voice: “Look! I just—“

Me: “If you want to talk to me about this, find me and talk to me about it in broad daylight. I don’t love anybody right now. I’m tired. Goodbye.”

(I hung up and went back to sleep. I never got another phone call from the mysterious Bob, and no one ever confessed their hitherto unknown love for me. Seriously, though, there is no confession of love that can’t wait until at least sunrise

Just Axing For Trouble

Bizarre, Harassment, New Zealand, Non-Dialogue, Park, Strangers | Romantic | January 6, 2019


This happens when I am a single 24-year-old. I am walking home through my local park around nine pm — so wickedly late! — when a girl comes up to me. She’s young, maybe 16 or so, and she tells me she’s been sent over by her friend sitting at the picnic tables to ask me for my number. Apparently, her male friend is too shy to ask me himself.

While this might be considered cute to some, I have literally never seen this boy in my life before. I find it stupid and creepy. But then, I have an idea. While I have no interest in the boy, I am curious about his tactics. I let the girl take my number, and she gives me hers as well as his, so I have some back up that he’s “not a creep or anything.”

About an hour later the young man texts me. Nothing spectacular, but with traditional w1ck3d l33t txt sp33k, with no sense of grammar or spelling, asking me about maybe a date. I text back with proper spelling, capitalization, and grammar — as a hint — to suggest that I don’t know him at all, and point out that asking some stranger for their number in the middle of the night is not the smartest thing to do.

Two more rounds of text ensue; he seems puzzled by my lack of interest. Finally, I drop my kicker.

“You don’t know me at all. I’m just some stranger from the park. For all you know, I could be a psychotic ax-murderer.”

Strangely, he never texted me again after that.

I always wonder if he got the hint about harassing strange women, or if he went around freaked out that he might have just gotten himself put onto a hit list.

Assisted Living And Leaving

Assisted Living, Michigan, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 5, 2019


(I work in an assisted living facility. A resident has just come back from an appointment. He’s signing in and we’re talking.)

Resident: “My wife didn’t leave, did she?”

Me: “No, she’s still here!”

Resident: “D***!”

(He said it with such sincerity and upset that I cried laughing.)

An Affair To Dismember

Bad Behavior, Canada, Exes/Old Flames, Fights/Breakups, home | Romantic | January 4, 2019


(Things my soon-to-be-ex told me, in reference to his five-plus-year affair, and my sarcastic responses…)

Scumbag: “No, I wasn’t planning to divorce you so I could marry her. Of course not! I was doing it for you, in case you might want to marry again.”

Me: “Wow! With that level of selfless concern for others, the only reason you haven’t been canonized is that you’re not Catholic.”

Scumbag: “She was really more of a friend than anything else. We were just best friends at work.”

Me: “Oh, I see. So, I guess you also f*** Joe, your non-work best friend?”

Scumbag: “I preferred her because we never had conflict. She was more accepting.”

Me: “Imagine that. One boozy, lying cheater is more accepting of another boozy, lying cheater’s boozing, lying, cheating ways? Who’d’ve thunk it? You mean to tell me there’s no conflict in a relationship when you do everything a woman asks of you and constantly kiss her a**? You think maybe you should have tried that with me instead of being a selfish asshole for our entire marriage? Hmm?”

Scumbag: “I know I cheated but I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

Me: “Oh, you wanted to divorce me to be with her but still have me in your life. So, you figured we’d do what, have threeways?”

Scumbag: “I do still love you, in my way.”

Me: “Aw, so sweet. It’s just a shame your way totally sucks, isn’t it?”

I Used To Be A Weird Husband, But Then I Took An Arrow To The Knee

Bizarre, Games, home, Pennsylvania, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | January 3, 2019


(My husband is not a gamer, but he really likes watching me use my PlayStation because he enjoys my adventures. It should be noted that in “Dragon Age: Origins,” my character is married to Alistair, who looks and acts a bit like my husband. Currently, I’m playing “Skyrim.” My Dragonborn is married to Farkas, a sweet-natured but somewhat dim hunk of muscle who looks kind of like the Winter Soldier, and I’m walking around our house because I can’t find him.)

Me: “That’s weird; he’s usually right here at the fire, cooking. Or sometimes he’s asleep in the bed.”

Husband: “Maybe he ran off with your housecarl.”

Me: “I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with that.”

(I finally try the last possible room, which is where my alchemy table is located, and I just have to stop and stare. A glitch has Farkas sitting down INSIDE the alchemy table, so that his head and shoulders are protruding from the top.)

Farkas: “Yes, love?”

Husband: *after a pause* “This is weirder than anything Alistair’s ever done, and I didn’t know that was possible.”

Me: “What I hear you saying is that I have weird taste in husbands.”

Husband: “Obviously.”

Informative About The Current State Of Humanity

Austria, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, Bus, Extra Stupid, Vienna | Romantic | January 2, 2019


(I am on a bus when I overhear these bits and pieces of a conversation between a man and his girlfriend. Apparently the man has bought a children’s ticket — don’t know what for — for himself and is now angry that he’ll have to pay a fine. Apparently it’s really unclear that a man in his 30s probably doesn’t qualify for a children’s ticket. And then he says this gem:)

Man: “It’s not my fault I don’t inform myself!”

This Party Has Gone To The Dogs

Alcohol, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, home, Illinois, Pets & Animals, Silly, USA | Romantic | December 30, 2018


(My boyfriend and I both really want a dog, but between our crazy work hours, we just wouldn’t be able to take care of one. We’re at my parents’ house for a party, and although [Boyfriend] is usually good at pacing himself, tonight, he gets very drunk, and proceeds to spend the next hour petting my parents’ dog — who is loving the attention — and telling her what a good girl she is. I’m helping my parents clean up when I hear him actually singing to the dog! The next day on the drive home, we’re talking about it.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, God, I can’t believe I got that drunk. Did I do anything too embarrassing?”

Me: *laughing* “Define, ‘too embarrassing.’”

Boyfriend: “Oh, God, what did I do?!”

Me: “Nothing bad. You just got really happy and goofy, and you were petting the dog and telling her how awesome she is. You did start singing to her towards the end of the night, though.”

Boyfriend: “Oh, no. I can’t believe I did that in front of your parents!”

Me: “Don’t worry; they don’t care. After you fell asleep, they both had stories about getting drunk and acting stupid in front of each other’s families. They’re definitely not about to hold it against you.”

Boyfriend: “You sure? I still feel bad.”

Me: “I’m very sure. Although…” *laughing* “You never sing to me! Or tell me how pretty and awesome I am! I’m a little jealous of the dog.”

Boyfriend: *guilty* “Of course I love you more than the dog. But… I live with you. I see you every day. I don’t get to see dogs every day; when I do, it’s an occasion!”

(I couldn’t argue the logic!)

Till Snore Do We Part

home, Ohio, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 28, 2018


(Seeing my husband beginning to nap on the couch, I turn off the lights.)

Husband: “Ah, thanks for being so sweet to me.”

Me: *wanting to tease him* “Nah, that was total selfishness. You can’t annoy me when you’re asleep.”

(I get two steps away.)

Husband: “Snoring.”

Me: *frozen with a foot in the air* “Yep. You got me there.”

Checking You Out When You’re Checking Him Out

At The Checkout, Harassment, Holidays, Pennsylvania, Retail, USA | Right Romantic | December 27, 2018


(It is the holiday season. My shift ends in ten minutes and I just want it to end without incident. My male boss is at the cash register next to me; I’m female. A middle-aged man comes up to the counter; he’s a bit annoying, but seems relatively harmless. He pays and leaves, but comes back after my boss goes off to do other things. I am twenty, but not used to people hitting on me, as I look around fourteen.)

Me: “Hello again.”

Customer: “Just decided to get something else.”

Me: “All right. What was your phone number for the rewards card again?”

Customer: *provides number*

Me: “All ri—“

Customer: “Remember it. I’m free after seven.”

Me: *too creeped out to respond*

Customer: “It was a joke.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “You’re supposed to laugh.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

(The transaction continues in silence until the computer prompts me to ask if the customer wants his receipt emailed. It does this at random.)

Me: *trying to continue smiling* “Would you be interested in having your receipts and coupons sent directly to your email?”

Customer: “No, but I’ll happily give you my email.”

Me: *failing to continue smiling* “Please confirm the information on the screen. Okay. Your total is [total].”

(He hands me cash. I hand him change and accidentally drop some.)

Me: “Sorry!”

Customer: “Don’t worry; you can throw money at me anytime.” *leaves*

Me: *creeped out and speechless*

Next Customer: “I’ll give you a minute.”

His Jokes Are Unappeeling

California, Movie Theater, Silly, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 26, 2018


(Overheard, walking out after a long movie:)

Wife: “As soon as we leave, I need to visit the bank to deposit my check.”

Husband: “But before we do that, I need to visit the bathroom to deposit my urine.”

Outlininder

home, Movies & TV, Pennsylvania, Pittsburgh, Spouses & Partners, USA | Romantic | December 24, 2018


(A commercial for Outlander comes on while my husband is watching football. Having enjoyed the story and historical fiction in general, I get distracted and, consequently, stop what I am saying mid-sentence.)

Husband: “I guess I need to get a shirt like that?”

Perfume… Actually

Cheaters, Great Stuff, Holidays, Retail, UK | Right Romantic | December 24, 2018


(I am working on the fragrance counter of a large store on Christmas Eve when a man asks for my help selecting presents — women’s perfume. He tells me he needs two presents, one for under €100 and one under €20. He chooses to go over budget with the more expensive gift, and we are now browsing for the smaller gift.)

Me: “Okay, it seems you like [Fragrance #1 ] more than the others. It costs €25 for 75 mls, which is a little over your budget, but you do get a big bottle, which is good value.”

Customer: “Hmm… Yes, I do like it a lot more than [Fragrance #2 ] and [Fragrance #3 ], but it is a little bit too expensive, seeing as I’ve gone over budget with the other one.”

Me: “Okay, well, we do have [Fragrance #4 ] on sale for €19.99 for 50 mls. It’s a very good brand, and a nice, medium-sized bottle.”

Customer: “Right, I’ll go with that one, then! Any chance you could gift wrap them both for me?”

Me: “Great. Let me just scan them through, and I will wrap them while we put your card through.”

(I wrap them, and then notice that the bottles are hard to tell apart when wrapped in the same paper.)

Me: “Would I be able to put a name on either gift for you, sir? They look very alike, and it might be hard to tell them apart without labeling them.”

Customer: “Oh, they do look the same! Yeah, could you put [Name #1 ] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #2 ] on the other?”

Me: “No problem. Let me just grab my pen!”

Customer: “Actually… could we swap that around? [Name #2 ] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #1 ] on the other?”

Me: “Of course.”

Customer: *laughing* “You see one’s for the wife, and the other’s for a colleague… Can’t be mixing them up!”

Me: *smiling and joking with him* “No, you’d be in trouble if you did!”

Customer: “Yeah, the wife mightn’t mind [cheap perfume], but [Name #2 ] told me specifically to get [expensive perfume]!”

Me: “…”

(It made me wonder just how close he and his “colleague” were.)