Don’t Let That Butterfly Flutter By
HOME | ROMANTIC | JUNE 13, 2014
(I’m on the phone with my friend, who is a very confident person and is able to get any guy that comes her way. Today is different.)

Friend: “Hey, [My Name], um… I need your help.”

(She sounds very nervous about something, so instantly I’m worried.)

Me: “Okay, hun, what’s wrong?”

Friend: “So… you know that friend of mine, [Female Friend]? Um… she… kind of confessed her feelings to me. As in… she says she’s in love with me.”

Me: “Oh…”

Friend: “What do I do?!”

Me: “Well, do you like her back?”

Friend: “I… I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it.”

Me: “Well, it’s time to think about it now. Think about making out. If you feel sick, then it’s a no. If you feel nothing, it means you might be curious. If you feel butterflies then you might want to say yes to a date.”

(My friend is silent for a few moments as she thinks about it.)

Friend: “S***. I think I have to ask her out.”

(They’ve been together for nearly five years now.)

To Give Credit Where Debit Is Due, Part 4
BOOKSTORE | RIGHT | OCTOBER 9, 2013
(I am helping a customer with a return. Due to past misuses of the system, our registers are set to only do returns in the original payment method, or as a store gift card.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, this was done as debit. I can either put it on a gift card, or back onto the same card, if you have it on you.”

Customer: “What? Debit’s the same as cash! Why can’t I get cash?”

Me: “I apologize, but that’s our policy. We can only do it in the method it was originally done, or store credit.”

Customer: “Well that’s just wrong. Debit is the same as cash! Everywhere!”

Me: “I understand, and I am sorry, but these are the only options I’m allowed.”

Customer: *handing me her card* “Well fine, put it back on the card.”

Me: *as I slide the card* “It may take one or two business days to show back up. Here’s your copy of the return, and I hope you have a nice day.”

Customer: *reading her return receipt* “Hey! It says credit on here! I paid debit!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. The system has to credit it back to your card. It looks a little weird, but the money is going back.”

Customer: “If I use credit, I’ll be fined! My card doesn’t do credit! That first receipt said debit!”

Me: “Yes, the original purchase is definitely debit. Ma’am, it’s not charging your card; it’s crediting money back. I don’t know your particular bank, but there’s never been an issue—”

Customer: “What is your name? If there’s a problem, I want to know. And give me that original receipt back. It says debit.”

Me: “I’m [Name]. Give me just a second to copy some info off this receipt onto the return, and you’ll have it right back.”

(At this point, the customer is fed up, and leaves without waiting for her original receipt. I staple it to the return, and turn to help the next customer. Several days later, the same customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Hi. I was in here a couple of days ago, and you were helping me with a return. I… just wanted to apologize for the way I treated you. I was having a bad day, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

Me: “Oh! Thank you! I take it the return processed as it should?”

Customer: “Yes. But even if it hadn’t, there’s no excuse for the way I was acting.”

Me: “Well, thank you. Everyone has a bad day now and then.”

(Her making a point to return and say sorry was such a pleasant surprise; it improved the whole rest of my shift.)

A Latte Attitude
COFFEE SHOP | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 6, 2014
(It is the middle of summer with temperatures climbing into the triple digits.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Coffee Shop]. What can I get started for you today?”

Customer: “One large chai tea latte.”

Me: “Alright, no problem. Would you like that hot or iced today?”

(The customer stares at me.)

Customer: “Chai tea latte.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Iced or hot?”

Customer: “Latte!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. The chai tea latte comes iced or hot, and—”

Customer: “Christ! Latte means hot! Do they teach you nothing?! Just give me my chai latte!”

They Hit Pay Hurt
TELEMARKETING | WORKING | DECEMBER 12, 2013
(I receive a lot of telemarketer calls during the day.)

Telemarketer: “Hi! I’m collecting donations for [Local Police Charity].”

Me: “I’d like to help, but I really don’t have anything to spare.”

(The telemarketer starts more aggressively trying to solicit a donation.)

Me: “Look. I’m a private in the Army and—”

Telemarketer: “Oh! Then you should be happy to help out your brothers in uniform!”

Me: “Okay, look. Have you ever been kicked in the crotch?”

Telemarketer: “W…what?”

Me: “It’s a serious question. Have you?”

Telemarketer: “Yes…”

Me: “Okay. Do you remember the pain? The nausea? The humiliation?”

Telemarketer: “Yes?”

Me: “Good. Now convert those feelings into dollars and cents. That’s what I get paid every month.”

(They stopped calling.)

Customer Service Is Its Own Reward
VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 9, 2013
(I have been talking to a father and son for roughly an hour about many different headsets, so that they can weigh all the pros and cons and decide on the best pair for them.)

Father: “Okay, we’ll take two of the [headsets].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we actually don’t have those in stock. We sold our last one today. I can check to see if somewhere nearby does if you’d like?”

Father: “Oh yes, absolutely!”

(I check in the system, and let him know the nearest store that has two of the headsets he wants.)

Father: “Thank you so much. Do I mention your name when I get there?”

Me: “No, sir, just ask for the headsets. They’ll pull them right out for you.”

Father: “But don’t you get credit somehow? You told me everything, and I’m not even buying from you.”

Me: “No, sir, we don’t. I really appreciate that you notice this, but I’m very happy to have directed you to a product you enjoy. It really makes my day just for you to want us to be credited with the sale.”

(The son pulls the father to the side and begins talking, then the two exit the store after waving and expressing their thanks. Around two hours later, I notice them come back in the store.)

Me: “Welcome back! Did something happen?”

Father: “Oh no. We got everything just fine. They had just what we wanted, but we felt so bad that you don’t get anything out of the deal, so we got this for you.”

(The son hands me a gift card.)

Me: “Wow, thank you! I can’t believe you did this. This is so nice!”

Son: “It’s not fair that you helped us, and we didn’t help you. I had extra allowance money.”

(I shake the father’s hand and give the son a big hug. I have the biggest smile on my face, and I praise them for being such wonderful people. It’s gestures like these that make me so happy to provide customer service where it’s needed.)

The Lawsuit Has A Ghost Of A Chance
HOSPITAL | RIGHT | JANUARY 6, 2014
(I’m just coming on shift in the emergency room. A patient approaches my desk, then leans over and glares down at me.)

Patient: “I just want you to know that if I go home and die because of your substandard care that I’m going to sue you and never forgive the hospital.”

(The patient doesn’t give me any chance to say anything before he walks out the door.)

Coworker: “I wonder how many lawyers take on angry ghosts as clients?”

Ducking From Discipline
ELEMENTARY/PRIMARY SCHOOL | LEARNING | SEPTEMBER 15, 2013
(Our eighth-grade teacher was the former kindergarten teacher at our school, so although most of us knew her, we didn’t know what to expect from her.)

Teacher: “Okay, now I know you’re teenagers who just got back from summer vacation, but if I’ve learned anything from teaching kindergarten it’s that you have to start discipline early.”

(The teacher notices that the class is too busy talking and chatting to listen.)

Teacher: “One, two, three… You asked for it!”

(She grabs the large chalkboard erasers from their holders and holds them above her head.)

Teacher: “DUCK!”

(The class screams and dives under their desks.)

Teacher: *calmly* “This is how you will behave from now on, because now you know I’m crazy enough to handle you!”

Another Exhibit In The Case Of “Why Nurses Should Rule The World”
AUSTRIA, AWESOME, HOSPITAL, INSPIRATIONAL, NURSES, VIENNA | HEALTHY | DECEMBER 3, 2020
My parents are with my severely disabled sister who is being prepped for an operation. We take care of her at home and have a live-in nurse, but she still ends up in the hospital every few months, so the nurses are quite familiar with my family.

Nurse: “Would you like to remove your daughter’s nail polish?”

Mother: “Is it really necessary?”

Nurse: “Well, yes. We need to be able to see her nails during the operation to make sure she’s getting enough oxygen.”

Mother: “Oh, I see. It’s only that my other daughter painted her nails before going to college, and she won’t be back home for months. She went all the way to America and we can’t afford to bring her back every time [Sister] is hospitalized.”

Nurse: “Ach, I’m very sorry.”

She makes small talk with my parents while removing the nail polish. There are no comments about how my sister wouldn’t understand or even notice the nail polish, just reassuring chatter.

When they wheeled my sister back after the operation, my mother broke down in tears; they’d repainted my sister’s nails. When my mother told me about it, I teared up, too.

I still think of that nurse’s kindness — how she must’ve left the hospital to get nail polish of a similar shade and then painted my sister’s tiny nails. It sounds like such a small thing, but it was so completely outside her job scope and so sweet of her. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

Excuses That Don’t Hold Water
FLORIDA, HOTEL, LIARS/SCAMMERS, MONEY, ORLANDO, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 2, 2010
Me: “Thanks for calling [Hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I need a room next weekend. My kid has a swim meet down there.”

Me: “Okay. Rooms with two doubles are going for $135.”

Customer: “Give me a corporate rate on that room.”

Me: “Sir, corporate rates are for business travel. You just told me you were coming for a swim meet.”

Customer: “Well, uh, I sell swimsuits!”

A Muted Reaction
HOME | ROMANTIC | FEBRUARY 1, 2016
(My husband is sitting on the couch watching TV. I come in to tell him some good news.)

Me: “Hey honey, guess what?”

Husband: “Huh?” *keeps staring at TV*

Me: “I said, ‘Guess what?'”

Husband: “Uh…what?”

Me: “The pregnancy test is positive!”

Husband: “Cool. Let me finish this movie. I’ve never seen it.”

Me: “That’s all I get? Cool?”

Husband: *holds fist out for knuckle bump* “Better?”

Fuming Over The Gas, Part 2
CRAFT STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 25, 2012
(We are located in a small strip mall. As I am checking out a customer, I see a police officer walk in and two fire trucks pull up. The officer comes up to me and ask if there is a manager around.)

Me: *to my manager* “Um…. the police are here. They said they need to talk to a manager.”

Manager: “I’ll be right there.”

(When she comes to the front, we find out that the building next to us has a gas leak. We make an announcement to evacuate the store. Outside the store is myself, the front manager, night manager, and two framers.)

Framer #1 : “You know, I get the feeling a customer is going to ask what going on…” *motions to the fire trucks and the orange cones blocking the store’s entrance* “…and when we tell them, they will ask if we’re open.”

Framer #2 : “Don’t be ridiculous!”

(Just then a female customer walks up to us.)

Customer: “Oh my, what’s going on here?”

Me: “A gas leak happened next door. It’s starting to leak into ours.”

Customer: “Oh… so are you open?”

Me: *stunned* “Um, no we aren’t. We had to evacuate.”

(The customer huffs and grumbles about me being lazy. She then goes to the night manager, who tells her the same thing.)

Customer: “But that’s next door’s problem! Why is it yours!?”

Manager: “Because the gas is leaking into our store.”

Customer: “But I need to get something! Can’t you let me in?”

(This carries on, as both the front manager and the framers both explain to her why she cannot go in. The police officer walks over.)

Officer: “Ma’am, we cannot let you or anyone in. If you will be patient, the fire department will see what the levels are, and then we could possibly let you in.”

Customer: *huffs and storms off*

Framer #1 : “I was only kidding when I said that!”

Framer #2 : “You should know by now: when somebody becomes a customer, they lose all common sense.”

Third Time Is A Charmer
HOME | ROMANTIC | FEBRUARY 14, 2013
(Before Valentine’s Day, 2007…)

Me: *to my boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day.”

Boyfriend: “Okay.”

(Despite what I tell him, I still get flowers delivered to me on Valentine’s Day. I call and berate him.)

Boyfriend: “Well, sometimes girls say they don’t but really do!”

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2008…)

Me: *talking to my next boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day. I yelled at last year’s boyfriend for doing it.”

Boyfriend #2 : “Okay.”

(I still get flowers delivered to me on Valentine’s Day. I call and berate him.)

Boyfriend #2 : “Well, sometimes girls say they don’t but really do!”

(Before Valentine’s Day, 2009…)

Me: *to yet ANOTHER boyfriend* “Don’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s a waste of money and we can get chocolate for half off the next day. I yelled at the last two boyfriends for doing it. And it’s your birthday, so seriously. Just don’t.”

Boyfriend #3 : “Okay.”

(He doesn’t get flowers for me on Valentine’s Day. I call and thank him.)

Me: “THANK YOU!”

Boyfriend #3 : “Well, if you tell me not to do something, I won’t.”

(I’m marrying him this year!)

Medium Coffee, Large Gesture
COFFEE SHOP | WORKING | DECEMBER 22, 2013
(I’ve been made part time at work. Money is tight and I’m struggling a bit. I have $1.95 left in my purse.)

Me: “Hi. How much is a medium coffee with the tax? Is it less that $1.95?”

Barista: “It’s $1.84 with the tax.”

Me: “Great, I’d just have a medium then, please.”

(The barista starts to pour coffee into a medium cup, then stops.)

Barista: “You usually have large don’t you?”

Me: “Yes, but I don’t have enough money.”

Barista: “How much money do you have?”

Me: “$1.95.”

(The barista picks up a large cup. She pours the contents of the medium into the large, fills it and gives it to me.)

Barista: “Here you go!”

(It was such a little thing, but it made my whole day!)

Getting To The Root Of The Problem
EDITORS' CHOICE, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MOVIES & TV, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 2, 2009
(I am selling souvenir programs and backpacks for “Legally Blonde: The Musical” in the lobby. The customer I’m talking to is a brunette; so am I.)

Me: “Would you like a souvenir program?”

Customer: “But you’re not blond.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am? Would you like a program?”

Customer: “This is Legally Blonde! You should be blond.”

Me: *thinking she’s joking* “You know, it’s funny… I was blond for six months and just dyed my hair back to my natural color before I found out this show was coming.”

Customer: *completely serious* “But you are not blond!”

Me: “No, ma’am, I am not.”

Customer: “Why would they let you sell things for the show when you are not blond?”

Me: “Well, you don’t have to be blond to work at the theater.”

Customer: “But it’s Legally BLONDE!”

Me: *giving up* “You see, ma’am, they needed someone who could do math, so they got a brunette.”

Customer: “Oh, that makes sense. I will take two, then!”

Customer #2 : “Well played. Now I feel like I have to buy one!”

Full Of S***
JERK, PARKING LOT, PETS & ANIMALS, REVOLTING, USA | RIGHT | OCTOBER 31, 2008
(A guy with a dog walks up to our car park.)

Guy: “Can I bring my dog in here so it can take a dump?”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t allow you to do that. Plus, you don’t even look like you’re carrying anything to clean up the mess.”

Guy: “No, I’m not carrying anything to clean it up so you’ll have to do that. My dog needs to go to the toilet. You’re not being very helpful here.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just here to direct people to where they need to park.”

Guy: “Look, my dog needs to go to the toilet and I’m bringing it in.”

Coworker: “Look, you bloody moron. This is a car park, not a god-d*** toilet! Take your dog and piss off!”

Guy: “You are not being very helpful at all! I’m going to go and issue a complaint against you but after I bring my dog in here and let it do its business!”

Coworker: “You bring your dog in here and we’ll have you fined. This car park is located on government property and allowing a dog to go to the toilet carries a fine.”

Guy: “It’s people like you who are what is wrong with the world!”

Trying To Remember Without A Dismember
POST OFFICE | RIGHT | JANUARY 28, 2014
(I work at the customer service desk of a member-owned co-op store.)

Me: “Thanks for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Member: “This is [Name]. I need to phone [Local Celebrity] but I don’t have his phone number and he’s not on the phone book.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We can’t give out the phone numbers of our members.”

Member: “But you don’t understand! This is very important! He is coming over for dinner, and I was planning to serve chicken, but now I’m thinking he may be a vegetarian! I have to ask him!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I still can’t give you his phone number.”

Member: “But I’m a member! I own the store! You have to do what I say!”

Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t just give other member’s information from their file.”

Member: “Fine! Can you call him instead, ask him if he eats chicken, and then call me back?”

Anatomically Correct Vs Politically Incorrect
BIZARRE, RETAIL, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 16, 2010
(I’m in the restroom while on duty in uniform. I walk in the door.)

Customer: *startled* “Oh!”

Me: “Sorry, excuse me.”

Customer: “You people use the bathroom, too?”

Me: “Yes. We only have the one, so everyone uses the same one.”

Customer: “I guess I never thought of you as real people.”

Making A Loud A-pee-l
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JANUARY 15, 2013
(We are a tiny restaurant that just so happens to be at the end of a large parade route. So, we often get lot of requests for a public restroom, which we do not have. One day, a customer comes running in holding his young daughter.)

Customer: “Quick! Which way to your restroom?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but our restroom is for customers only.”

Customer: “You son of a b****! My daughter needs to go now!”

(At this point, his daughter becomes scared and starts peeing herself.)

Customer: *to me* “LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!”

(The customer runs out, leaving a wet trail behind for me to mop up.)

Humor Is Generational
CALIFORNIA, FAMILY & KIDS, FUNNY, GOLDEN YEARS, GRANDPARENTS, RETAIL, SAN JOSE | RIGHT | JULY 21, 2010
(A customer who’s about 85 years old approaches customer service. It is Father’s Day.)

Customer: “Where do you keep your belts?”

Me: “Over in the men’s department.”

Customer: “And where do you keep your grooming sets?”

Me: “In the men’s department, as well.”

Customer: “Oh, thanks! I’m buying a Father’s Day present for my dad and grandfather!”

(I tell him he’s welcome and turn back to what I was doing. I notice a few seconds later that he’s still there.)

Me: “Is there something else I can help you with?”

Customer: *grinning widely* “Do you believe me?!”

Don’t Go Gentle On Him
HOME | RELATED | OCTOBER 30, 2013
(My cousin is probably the rudest person I’ve ever met. Whenever he’s in town, I beg my parents to let him stay with them so he doesn’t stay at my apartment, because he’s always so rude to my female neighbors. This particular visit, he DOES have to stay at my house, and I’ve recently gotten a new neighbor.)

Cousin: “D***, baby, youse all kinds of ffooiine!”

(My neighbor replies absently as she looks through her mail.)

Neighbor: “Don’t use words you can’t spell, Dear; it’s not cute.”

Cousin: “Hey, b****! You owe me respect; you best be showing it!”

Neighbor: “Do something to earn it.”

(My cousin runs ahead and opens the door he thinks she’s headed to.)

Cousin: “A true gentleman opens the door for a b****, and then slaps her a**!”

Neighbor: “Does that also mean ‘true gentlemen’ have broken wrists?”

Cousin: “You can’t break my wrist; youse a girl!”

(My cousin tries to grope her, and ends up face-first in the carpet in a submission hold.)

Neighbor: “I’m going to give you a little tip: don’t try to grope corrections officers.”

Cousin: “You’re a WHAT?!”

Neighbor: “And I would recommend that you actually learn what being a true gentleman means if you really want people to treat you with respect.”

(She lets him go, and heads back to her apartment. I’ll admit, though, after this my cousin actually did try to be a better person, and was WAY more respectful!)

Unloading More Than Just Shopping
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 31, 2012
(A customer is singing ‘Call Me Maybe’ really loud and obnoxiously while unloading items. I’m in line behind her. People behind me are complaining. The owner sneaks up behind her.)

Customer: “Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy…”

Owner: “…but you’re in my store, so SHUT UP MAYBE!”

(I will shop there for the rest of my life!)

Second Thoughts About Second Sight
APARTMENT COMPLEX, CLEVELAND, FUNNY, OHIO, ONE-LINER, USA, UTILITY COMPANY | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 5, 2010
Customer: “My garbage disposal is clogged up.”

Me: “What is stuck in your garbage disposal?”

Customer: “A crystal ball.”

Me: “A what?”

Customer: “My crystal ball rolled off the counter and fell in my garbage disposal.”

Me: “You didn’t see that coming?”

Superman Goes Shopping
RETAIL | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 5, 2009
(In my store, it’s store policy to check credit cards for signatures; if they’re not signed, we must see ID.)

Me: “May I see your card, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Your card is not signed, sir, and I have to check IDs if there’s no signature.”

Customer: “I know it’s not signed, and it’s not going to be signed.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir, I just have to check your ID then.”

Customer: “Here.” *shows ID*

Me: “Okay, thank you – sign the machine please.”

Customer: “How do you know that’s me in the ID? He has glasses on and I don’t.”

Me: “Sir, it looks like you.”

Customer: “But I don’t have glasses on.”

Me: “Okay then, I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”

Customer: “Oh, well, it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”

Customer: “What? It’s me!”

Me: “I know… it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”

Screaming Until They’re Blue In The Face
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | JUNE 18, 2014
(It’s about 6:45 on a slow-ish night working in fast food. We’re selling a popular promotional burger which includes blue cheese. Suddenly, I see a red faced customer storming towards the door, obviously furious. As store policy, I find the nearest supervisor to deal with an obviously irate customer. I hide in the mug room to watch.)

Supervisor: “Hi. Welcome to…”

Customer: “ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?”

Supervisor: “No ma’am. What seems to be—”

Customer: *pulls half eaten blue cheese burger out of bag* “HOW DARE YOU FEED YOUR CUSTOMERS THIS! THIS BLUE CHEESE IS EXPIRED AND MOLDY!”

(At this point I can hear laughter from the kitchen, who can hear every word.)

Supervisor: “Ma’am, this is a blue cheese burger. Perhaps you were given it by mist—”

Customer: “I KNOW WHAT A D*** BLUE CHEESE BURGER IS!”

Supervisor: “Then you understand that it is an aged cheese, where this ‘mold’ is normal. I will happily return your money to you if you wish, however.”

Customer: “HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME! I’VE EATEN BLUE CHEESE ALL MY LIFE AND I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED MOLD!”

(My supervisor, obviously getting annoyed, gives the customer her refund.)

Supervisor: “Here is your refund. However, if you can find me blue cheese in the local supermarket that doesn’t have or taste ‘moldy,’ I will gladly give you every cent I have in this cash register.”

(I see the customer’s eyes gleam right before she storms out. She never does come back. )

Supervisor: *to me* “Go write ‘customer found mold in their blue cheese’ in the complaint book.”

Not Just Any Warm Crunchy Bread, Mind You
BIZARRE, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 26, 2007
Me: “So, what can I get you?”

Hobo: “I’m pretty hungry so I guess I’ll have…” *stares at the menu*

(Three minutes later:)

Me: “I’ll come ba–”

Hobo: “I want some toast!”

Me: “Okay, toast is all. I’ll be right back.”

Hobo: “Yeah, that’s what I want… French toast.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Hobo: “I want some French toast. How much does that cost?”

Me: “Sorry, sir, we don’t have French toast.”

Hobo: “Then what do you have?”

Me: “Um… toast?”

Hobo: “Toast? What’s that?”

*long pause*

Me: “Warm, crunchy bread, sir.”

Hobo: “Yeah, bring me some white, warm, crunchy bread!”

The One That Has Wheels And Moves
AUTO SHOP | RIGHT | OCTOBER 27, 2011
(I work at a tire center. More often than we’d like, we get completely clueless customers coming in for tire replacements.)

Customer: “Hello, I’d like to get my tires changed.”

Me: “Sure, what’s the year, make, and model of your vehicle?”

Customer: “I’m really not sure of any of that. Do you need it?”

Me: “Yeah, we need to know so we can get the right size of tires. Do you know if your car is a Chevy? A Ford? Dodge?”

Customer: “I don’t know, but I think the name starts with an E?”

Me: “Okay, is it a car, truck, or SUV?”

Customer: “I’m really not sure.”

Me: “Okay, let’s just step outside on the parking lot. You can point your car out for me and I can get the information there.” (The customer stands at the door and points out to the lot, which is filled with cars.)

Customer: “It’s the white one.”

(I go outside and begin to walk to the first white car I see.)

Customer: “What are you doing?! I said the white one! The white one!” *points to another white car in a different direction* “You don’t know what you’re doing! Who hired you?”

Sorry Doesn’t Seem To Be The Hardest Word
RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 9, 2014
(I’m ringing up a customer and giving her her bags. I forget to give her the light jacket she bought and don’t notice until she drives off. Hoping she’ll come back, I put it next to myself for safe-keeping and keep checking customers. Twenty minutes later, she returns.)

Customer: “Where’s my jacket?!”

Me: “Right here, ma’am.” *I give her back the jacket* “I’m sorry about the inconvenience, I—”

Customer: “You should be ASHAMED of yourself! This is very poor service!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am—”

Customer: “I had to get out of my car, bring in my things, see my jacket missing, get my walker, get BACK in my car, and drive all the way back here, and it was very difficult! What’s your name? I’m calling corporate about you, and they’re gonna write you up!”

Me: “I’m sorry about—”

Customer: *wry laughter* “Oh, and of course, you never ONCE said sorry!”

Me: “But I, just— I’m very sorry, ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah, you apologize NOW, after I TELL you to!”

(I return to my line, shaken and a little upset, and continue ringing up the customer I was helping earlier, who witnessed the whole thing.)

Next Customer: “But you said you were sorry FOUR times. I counted!”

It’s Imaginary Dog Eat Dog
BOOKSTORE | RIGHT | AUGUST 4, 2014
(I am in a large second-hand bookshop that allows dogs as long as they are leashed. There are signs prominently displayed with that information. I am sitting in a small lounge area and nearby are coffee machines and plates of biscuits bought on the honesty system. You take what you want and drop money in a box. I get up and leave my 14-year-old, very well behaved, miniature poodle, Fred, by the chair, with the handle of his lead under a chair leg. As I get coffee I do not see Fred take a few steps forward and, friendly, approach another dog which snarls and barks at him. I turn around to see Fred sit back down by the chair. I ask the owners of the other dog if everything is all right and they apologise for their dog’s aggressiveness. Neither dog came into contact with each other and the other dog has calmed down. No harm done. I sit down and a customer sitting next to me speaks:)

Customer: “They shouldn’t allow dogs in here. They were fighting.”

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Dogs are permitted. There are signs all over the place and these dogs were not fighting. There was a small altercation but everything is fine now.”

Customer: “You should get those dogs out of here. I know the owner. I’ll complain.”

Me: “Go and complain, then. See how far it gets you.”

(He leaves and minutes later the owner of the shop approaches with the man and asks about the ‘dog fight.’ I and the owners of the other dog explain what happened and a member of staff who witnessed everything confirms our version of events. The man is by now red faced and clearly angry and the owner turns to him:)

Owner: “You lied to me, sir. You said there was a dog fight but the dogs never came into contact with each other.”

Customer: “But dogs should not be allowed in here.”

Owner: “This is my shop. I decide if dogs come in here and these dogs are welcome. I also decide which humans come in here and you are no longer welcome. Get out and don’t come back.”

(Moments passed before the man realised he lost and he left. The best part of the story? When I sat back down Fred and the other dog were sitting side by side happily sniffing each other as if they had known each other for years.)

happily sniffing each other as if they had known each other for years.)

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You Twin Some, You Lose Some
GROCERY STORE, LIARS/SCAMMERS, UK | RIGHT | APRIL 22, 2011
(A customer comes to a sample stand.)

Me: “Would you like to try some noodles?”

Customer: “Sure. Wow, this is so tasty.”

(A very similar looking customer comes in fifteen minutes later. He is in a different shirt and pants.)

Customer: “Oh, good. There are still some noodles left. Can I try some too?”

Me: “Didn’t you just try it? It’s one per customer.”

Customer: “That was my twin brother. We live right across the street and he told me about the noodles.”

Me: “Wow, so both you and your brother have a bandage on that hand?”

Customer: “Uh…” *walks away*

Contextual Innuendos
PHARMACY | RIGHT | JUNE 19, 2012
(I’m at work on a Saturday with a clerk and a pharmacist. I notice the clerk speaking with an elderly woman out front but don’t think much of it. A few minutes later, the clerk comes back with a strange expression on her face and tells me I have to go help the woman.)

Me: “What can I help you with?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a vibrator.”

Me: “A…vibrator?”

Customer: “Yes. I had one, but I used it too much and it wore out.”

Me: “I don’t think we have anything like that. Where did you buy the first one?”

Customer: “At another pharmacy, but I want one with a long handle so it can reach better.”

(At this point I’m biting the inside of my cheek in an effort not to laugh.)

Me: “What kind of vibrator are you looking for, exactly?”

Customer: “You know! One of those that rub your feet!”

Me: “OH! Sorry, we don’t have anything like that.”

Artificial Unintelligence, Part 2
CALL CENTER | RIGHT | AUGUST 1, 2014
Me: “Welcome to the support team. You’re speaking with [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Check claim status.”

(I realise he thinks I’m a recording.)

Me: “Not a problem, sir. Can I ask which service your claim was for?”

Caller: “Skip questions.”

Me: “Um… sir, I do need to know the details of your claim so I can track it?”

Caller: “Eugh! Stupid machine… SKIP questions!”

Me: “Um.. I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not a machine. I need to know—”

Caller: “Main menu!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not a recording. I can help with your enquiry, but I have to ask a few questions first.”

Caller: “Oh, thank god. A person!”

Can’t Make The Connection
AIRPLANE | WORKING | OCTOBER 6, 2013
(I am flying to Tucson, AZ for college. After a layover at Chicago, we are taxiing to the runway.)

Flight Attendant: “Hey, turn your cell phone off! They all need to be off RIGHT NOW!”

Passenger: “My cell phone is off!”

Flight Attendant: “No, it needs to be all the way off. Hit the power button!”

Passenger: “But if I hit the power button, it’ll turn back on. It’s already off!”

Flight Attendant: “I’m not joking. Turn it off. All the way off. Hit that power button!”

Passenger: “What is wrong with you? I’m telling you it’s all the way off. OFF! The power button will turn it ON!”

Flight Attendant: “Look, I’m not playing games with you. If you don’t turn it off, we’re going back to the gate and throwing you off the aircraft. Your phone could interfere with aircraft systems, and we can’t have that. So hit the power button and turn it off. I’m not telling you again.”

Passenger: “But if I hit the power button, it’ll turn ON! If it’s on, it can interfere with the aircraft systems. Lady, it’s off, I promise you. You want to check it? Go ahead, check it.”

Flight Attendant: *to the senior flight attendant* “Tell the captain to take us back to the gate. I have an uncooperative passenger who won’t turn off her phone.”

Other Passengers: “We saw her turn it off! This is delaying us! Can we just go?”

Flight Attendant: “No, we’re going back to the gate! We can’t leave because your fellow passenger here won’t turn off her phone.”

Senior Flight Attendant: “Have you actually checked the phone yet?”

Flight Attendant: “Well, no. But I don’t need to. I know it’s on.”

Senior Flight Attendant: *to passenger* “May I see your phone, ma’am?” *checks the phone* “She’s right. The phone is powered off. Now, if you don’t mind, [Flight Attendant], I’m going to tell the captain to take us back. You need to be more careful about things like this.”

(We did end up departing only five minutes late, thankfully. And the passenger got an apology. Luckily, she was a better sport about it than the rest of us.)

Tell This Manager To (Life) Stuff It
OFFICE | WORKING | MARCH 20, 2013
(I am the ticket office person for a very small underground show venue. There is no backup, so I’ve had to come to work sick countless times, eat dinner while working in front of the customers, and close my box office to go to the bathroom.)

Me: “Excuse me, [manager]? My husband is graduating from university on [date]. I am telling you two months in advance so you can find someone to replace me.”

Manager: “No! It’s a Sunday and during [festival]. I need you here.”

Me: “With two months notice, isn’t it possible to find a replacement just for that one day?”

Manager: “No. It would be too expensive to hire and train someone just for one day.”

Me: “Maybe you would be training them for more than just a day. That person could be your backup in case I fall ill or have a family obligation. I’m sure a student would be more than happy to work here on-call once in a while.”

Manager: “No. You knew what the schedule was when I hired you.”

Me: “In my six months of working here, I have missed birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Easter. I said nothing, because these occasions come back every year. My husband’s graduation won’t. Same for the weddings and christenings I will have to attend in a very near future.”

Manager: “I knew I should not have hired a married 27-year-old! You people just have too much… life stuff going on! Next thing we know, you’ll be pregnant!”

(I attended my husband’s graduation anyway, and quit the job.)

Ired By Shire Attire
CLOTHING STORE, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, MOVIES & TV, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | JULY 20, 2009
Customer: “Excuse me, can you help me choose which suit I should get?”

Me: “Certainly. This model here was worn by actor Sean Astin.”

Customer: “Who is that?”

Me: “He played Sam in The Lord of the Rings. He was one of the hobbits.”

Customer: “You sell to hobbits!?”

Me: “Well, he’s not re–”

Customer: “You shouldn’t sell to hobbits!”

Decision Making Make Oggwina Confused
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, RETAIL, TIME, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 15, 2008
Customer: “Hi, I’d like to book in for my photo session.”

Me: “Great, what kind of date were you looking for?”

Customer: “June.”

Me: “Okay, we only book up to two weeks in advance but I can put something on hold for you. What kind of day and time were you looking for?”

Customer: “June, maybe a weekend.”

Me: “Okay, just pick a time and date and I can get that sorted for you.”

Customer: “I find this very unprofessional!”

Me: “…why?”

Customer: “You should show me what dates you have free!”

Me: “Every date and time in June; no one else is booked in yet.”

Customer: *glares at me*

Me: “Do you want to have a look at the diary?”

Customer: “Yes, I think I’d better.”

(I bring her into the office and show her the screen with our June diary on. It is COMPLETELY blank.)

Customer: “So what date can I have?”

Me: “What date do you want?”

(This goes on and on until I finally give her a random date and time.)

Rescue 911, Transylvania Edition
BIZARRE, CALL CENTER, EMERGENCY SERVICES, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 11, 2009
(Note: South County is a psychiatric institution.)

911: “911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’m sorry to bother you but I am checking into South County tomorrow. I’m afraid to go cause there is a guy who works there who wears a star and says he’s a vampire.”

911: “People are allowed to be vampires if they want to be, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh yeah? What if he tried to bite me?”

911: “Did he try to bite you?”

Caller: “No.”

911: “Give us a call back if he tries to bite you.”

Twin Wrongs Do Not Make A Night
NIGHTCLUB | WORKING | FEBRUARY 5, 2013
(This happened many years ago, when the drinking age was just 18 and our state driver’s licenses had descriptions, not photos. While I worked for many years and in nearly every position in the restaurant industry, in this incident my friends and I were the customers, and we behaved badly.)

(Five of us—my brother and I, and three friends (two of which are brothers), are trying to get into a nightclub. Four of us are of age, but one of our friends is only 17 and underage. His older brother, who is 21 and with us, has given his 17-year-old brother an expired copy of his license to try and sneak him in; note that the two brothers are the same height, weight, hair, and eye color. As expected, the bouncer lets four of us in, but stops when he looks at our underaged friend’s ID.)

Bouncer: “Hey, this guy has the same name as that guy, there!”

(Our underage friend freezes: the jig is up. In one last desperate effort to save the situation, I blurt out the first thing that came into my mind with all the exasperated disdain a 21-year-old punk can muster.)

Me: “OF COURSE they have the same name! They’re identical twin brothers! What do you expect? Come on!”

Bouncer: “Oh, sorry. Okay, then. Go on through.”

(To that bouncer, should he read this and remember: Sorry, man!)

Remained Unchanged Throughout
CHARITY, RETAIL | RIGHT | MAY 28, 2015
(While volunteering at the local Habitat for Humanity ReStore, I notice a middle-aged man walk up to the cashier and hand him a $20 bill. He is buying a $2 tire gauge, normally priced at twice that amount. I overhear the exchange.)

Cashier: “Excuse me, sir, do you have anything smaller?” *gestures at nearly empty money jar* “Our cash register isn’t working and I don’t think we have enough change in here to cash a 20.”

Customer: “But it’s legal tender.”

Cashier: “Yes, but we don’t have sufficient change.”

Customer: “It’s enough, isn’t it?”

(This goes on for about five minutes, with the cashier clearly attempting to keep his cool. Finally, he gives up.)

Cashier: “Here.”

(He reaches into his own wallet and pulls out $20 in fives and ones, takes $2 and gives the remaining $18 to the customer. The customer counts the money in his hands, then attempts to take the $2 sitting on the table.)

Cashier: “Hey, what are you doing?”

Customer: “You only gave me $18. I gave you a 20.”

Cashier: “Yes, but you want to buy this gauge, don’t you? It cost $2, so I took that out.”

Customer: “How do I know you didn’t short change me?”

(At this point, the cashier is about ready to explode. He grabs the cash and clearly counts the amount out. It amounts exactly to $20.)

Cashier: “There, you did get exact change. Now I will need $2 for the item.”

Customer: “I want a discount for the trouble you put me through.”

Cashier: *exasperated* “The item normally cost $4. You are getting it at half off. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “No, that’s all. I ought to complain for the amount of time this took. Now I’m late.”

(He grabbed the tire gauge and left. I saw him, about two hours later, still wandering about the store.)

One Ring To Ruin Them All
HOME | ROMANTIC | MARCH 12, 2013
(My housemate’s girlfriend has just stormed out of the house. While I couldn’t make out any specifics, I can tell they just had one h*** of a shouting match. I check up on my friend.)

Me: “You okay?”

Friend: “No. We broke up.”

Me: “Ah, definitely not okay then. What was the argument about?”

Friend: “It’s so silly. It started about her liking Twilight.”

Me: “You broke up with her over a book?”

Friend: “She actually thinks it’s a good book! She said it was well written! It’s a piece of s***! And she thinks the films were even better!”

Me: “Dude, that’s just her opinion. You don’t need to break up with her because she likes one thing that’s crap. You had plenty of other things in common.”

Friend: “She also said that Lord of the Rings was boring.”

Me: “Well, f*** that. You made the right choice.”

Error 404: Brain Not Found
CALIFORNIA, CALL CENTER, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 15, 2010
Me: “Hello, how may I help today?”

Caller: “Yeah, your [Software] isn’t working. It’s a virus.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What do you mean, it’s a virus?”

Caller: “Every time I put the disc in, I get a message from the computer.”

Me: “What kind of message?”

Caller: “I don’t read it. It’s a warning message so I click ‘no.’”

Me: “Okay, can you insert the disc and tell me the message?”

Caller: “Sure.”

Me: “What does it say, sir?”

Caller: “Would you like to install…” *reads name of software* “… on your…” *click*