Her Heart Is Just Not In It
RETAIL | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 28, 2013
(A well-dressed, middle-aged lady comes to my till.)

Me: “Hello there, how can I help?”

Customer: “Just a packet of ten [Brand Cigarettes] please, dear.”

(I go to the cabinet, find the cigarettes, scan them, and hand them to the customer. She stares at the packet.)

Customer: “Oh, no, dear. I don’t think I’d like this packet.”

Me: “That’s okay, madam. Which brand would you like instead?”

Customer: “No, I mean I don’t like this packet. Could I have another please?”

(The customer gestures to the health message on the packet, which reads ‘Smoking causes throat cancer.’ It comes with a rather graphic picture.)

Me: “Oh okay, how about this one?”

(I hand the customer a packet labeled ‘Smokers die young.’)

Customer: “No… no, not this one either I’m afraid.”

Me: “Okay, madam. How about ‘Smoking harms both yourself and others around you’?”

Customer: “No, I don’t like that one.”

Me: “’Smoking causes heart disease’?”

Customer: “…no.”

Me: “‘Smoking can cause impotence’?”

Customer: *after a pause* “…yes. Yes, okay. I’ll have that one.”

This Boss Gets More Than Just The Check
AWESOME, LGBTQ, LOUISIANA, NEW ORLEANS, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | JANUARY 10, 2013
(A young gay couple has become my favorite regulars at the small restaurant where I work. One day as I am talking with them, an older, more conservative-looking man walks past us to the To-Go pickup area. He stops short next to us, and in the same moment, I see one of the young guys look down with a panicked expression at where he is holding his boyfriend’s hand.)

Older Man: “[Name]! I didn’t know you ate here!”

Young Man: *uncomfortable* “Oh, yeah, um… it’s half way between work and my… boyfriend’s work, so.”

Older Man: *glances at James’ boyfriend* “Oh.”

(There is an awkward pause, where we all just stare at each other.)

Older Man: “I’m sorry, I’m being rude.” *offers his hand to James’ boyfriend* “I’m [Older Man], [Young Man]’s boss. Very nice to meet you. We all love James in the office.”

Young Man’s Boyfriend: “Oh! Nice to meet you, too! You know, [Young Man] is always talking about how much he looks up to you.”

(The young man is so visibly relieved that he is near tears. The three makes some more small talk before the older man heads off to pick up his lunch. I end up taking his payment and he quietly asks me to pay for James and his boyfriend’s meal as well.)

Older Man: “You know… when I was growing up, I was taught that being gay was bad, a sin. But that young man is the brightest kid I’ve ever known, and I can’t see a d*** thing wrong with him…” *pauses* “…or his boyfriend.”

(He smiled at me and then walked away without another word. To this day, I can’t think about the look on James’s face when I told him that his boss paid for his nearly $100 meal without wanting to cry.)

I’d Like Nachos With Extra Photoshop Please
CALIFORNIA, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, MOVIE THEATER, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | JULY 4, 2013
(Our concessions stands have digital menu boards, and our food and drink advertisements play every once in a while. A customer is next in line and comes to my register.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a large drink and nachos.”

(I get her drink and bring her the nachos. The nachos are pre-packed, and as soon as I give them to her, she opens them and looks disgusted.)

Customer: “I don’t want these nachos! The chips are too small! I wanted the larger nachos!”

Me: “I’m sorry; we only have one size, which is what I gave you. Did you want to try any other hot food?”

Customer: “No, I want large nachos! What about those?! I want those nachos!”

(The customer points to our screen, which is showing the nacho advertisement.)

Me: “I’m sorry; that’s the digital screen, displaying an ad for our nachos.”

Customer: “But those nachos look bigger!”

Me: “I’m sorry; they’re the same size as the nachos I gave you. The camera is zoomed in to show texture.”

(The customer has a dumbfounded look on her face, and quietly leaves.)

One Born Every Minute
PUBLISHING | WORKING | JULY 27, 2013
(My coworker is complaining to me about another coworker. My coworker’s birthday was the day before.)

Coworker: “Seriously though! Does she think I was born yesterday?”

Me: “Well… you were.”

Their Mind Is Blank (Cheque)
CALL CENTER | WORKING | JANUARY 27, 2014
(I work at an internal call centre. One of our Ireland stores calls about a customer and a cheque.)

Store: “Hi. A customer has paid by cheque and the transaction on the till has gone through twice.”

Me: “Okay. Your till is now over, so you’ll need to refund one of those transactions to balance the till once the customer has left.”

Store: “So, I do a cash refund and give it to the customer?”

Me: “No, don’t give it to the customer. He’s only written one cheque. You’re making the refund on your duplicate transaction on the till.”

Store: “Yes, but he’ll be charged twice.”

Me: “No. He’s only written you one cheque.”

Store: “Yes, but the cheque authorisation has gone through twice.”

Me: “Yes, but the authorisation doesn’t mean he’ll be charged twice. It’s only authorisation by the bank. The customer has only written you one cheque. That cheque won’t be processed until it’s banked.”

Store: “But the transaction has gone through twice.”

Me: “Yes, but only on your till. Your till is now over by the duplicate amount, so you need to balance it by making a refund.”

Store: “So I give the cash back to the customer?”

Me: “No! Don’t give anything to the customer other than the receipt and the product he’s just purchased.”

Store: “I don’t understand.”

Me: *explains again* “…and when you hit the refund button, the till drawer will open. Just close it!”

Store: “Oh, I understand. I thought cheques were like cards and he’d be charged twice.”

Me: “No.” *slowly bangs head on desk*

Bucharettuce
AT THE CHECKOUT, CANADA, FUNNY NAMES, GROCERY STORE, ONTARIO | RIGHT | APRIL 18, 2011
(I’m ringing through a customer’s order. I put a romaine lettuce through. The customer points out a price error.)

Customer: “The lettuce is $1.97, not $2.97.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Just to double-check; it’s a romaine lettuce you have, right?”

Customer: “No, it’s USA lettuce.”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “It’s USA lettuce.”

Me: “Well, it’s from the USA, but it’s called romaine lettuce.”

Customer: “No, it’s USA lettuce, not Romanian.”

Wireless, Clueless, Hopeless, Part 31
AMSTERDAM, BAD BEHAVIOR, SPOUSES & PARTNERS, STUPID, TECH SUPPORT, TECHNOLOGY, THE NETHERLANDS | RIGHT | OCTOBER 30, 2017
(I work for a major company for Internet, TV, and phone services, and this call comes in.)

Me: “This is [My Name] with [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my f****** Internet isn’t working every time I use the d*** vacuum cleaner!”

Me: “Okay, that’s weird. Can you tell me in depth how you know that the vacuum cleaner is the issue?”

Customer: “Well, whenever I clean the house, I don’t have Internet, TV, or a phone line. It is starting to freak me out!”

Me: “But I can see that the services are working just fine.”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s the weird part; like ten to fifteen minutes after my husband comes home from work, everything works perfectly.”

Me: “Is your husband there, because maybe he fixes it somehow?”

Customer: “Yeah, hold on. I’ll get him for you.” *screams husband’s name*

Husband: “Hello, this is [Husband]. What’s up?”

Me: “Your wife told me the services like Internet and TV aren’t working all day long after she used the vacuum cleaner, and just like magic, when you come home from work everything works again.”

Husband: “Yeah, that’s true. Whenever she uses the vacuum, she pulls the plug of the router and modem to put the plug of the vacuum cleaner in. Then, she removes the vacuum cleaner, but doesn’t put the plug of the modem and router back in.”

Me: *confused* “So… why didn’t you tell her this?”

Husband: “Because she thinks the router and modem don’t have anything to do with Internet and TV because she uses ‘wireless services.’ She always says she wants to throw the router and modem away because she never uses them.”

Me: *almost crying* “Okay, well, I suggest you tell her that they are needed.”

Husband: “Nope, that’s your job. Good luck.” *passes the phone back to his wife*

Customer: “Hey, so is it fixed?”

Me: “Well, it seems that you pull the plug of the modem and router whenever you use the vacuum cleaner, but forget to put the plug back in. Your husband puts the plugs back when he’s home, so that’s why all services work whenever he comes home.”

Customer: “But I use wireless; I don’t need that stupid box of s***.”

Me: “Well, actually, you need it, ma’am, because that box sends the wireless signal.”

Customer: “Oh.” *screams the name of the husband* “YOU MOTHERF*****! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS, YOU PIECE OF S***? NOW I’M F****** EMBARRASSED, YOU D***-HEAD!”

Me: “Is there anything I can assist you with, ma’am?”

Customer: “No, thanks. Lots of love, and thanks for the support!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Have a nice day.”

(Just when I said my last line, I heard pots and pans getting thrown around. I just hung up and burst into laughter. My supervisor asked me why I was laughing, so I told him the story and let him listen to the call. It was a fun day.)

What A Lady, What A Night
CHEATERS, DRUG STORE, HEALTH & BODY | RIGHT | APRIL 17, 2009
(I’m standing in line and overhear this conversation between a beautiful middle-aged woman and the photo clerk.)

Clerk: “Unfortunately, we are unable to print all of your photos. Some of them are in violation of our content policy.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. All I took pictures of was a trip to Busch Gardens and then my son’s birthday party. What could be so inappropriate?”

Clerk: “Were you at some point singing karaoke?”

(The customers face goes from confusion, to understanding, to embarrassment, and finally to barely controlled rage.)

Customer: “I will be right back.”

(The customer goes down the aisle and begins grabbing a few additional items.)

Clerk: *to me* “She was naked. Pretty hot for an older lady.”

(The customer returns with her new items and makes a phone call while the clerk processes the transaction.)

Customer: *sweetly on the phone* “Oh, honey, you have been working so hard and have been so good to me. I am making you an amazing dinner. Can you pick up some makings for some cocktails on the way home? I am going to give you a night you will never forget! Love you, bye!”

(As she says this, I notice the new items she’s buying: a sports drink, anti-diarrhea medicine, and a giant bottle of contact lens solution–the latter of which can give people diarrhea. The clerk finishes the transaction and the customer gives us the most evil grin right before she walks out.)

Clerk: “Hopefully, she won’t let him suffer too long…”

Terms Of Endearment
FUNNY NAMES, SPOUSES & PARTNERS, TECH SUPPORT, USA | RIGHT | AUGUST 19, 2008
(I work for an Internet tech support center. Due to security and billing, once an account has been registered, it can’t be changed.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. What can I do to assist you today?”

Customer: “I need to change the email address I registered on the account.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I do not have the ability to do that for you. You can, however, set up a sub-account to use instead.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I really need to change the email address.”

Me: “Well, sir, I can give you to another department who might be able to help, but in order to change that, it will essentially disconnect and reconnect your service. This may result in a charge due to your contract. I can show you how to set up a sub-account though.”

Customer: *sighs* “I really have to change my account. My wife is going to kill me.”

Me: “Can I have the email address so I may access your account?”

(There’s a long pause before the customer speaks again.)

Customer: “Ourpaininthea**@*** .com. I was really frustrated when I was registering.”

(At this point, I nearly have to mute my phone to keep the customer from hearing my laughter.)

Customer: “My wife uses this to talk to all of her bridge club friends. She will kill me if she has to give this out.”

Me: “Well, sir, you can set up a sub-account just for your wife and she can have whatever email address she wants. You get ten of them for free, so you would never even have to use the main account if you don’t want to.”

Customer: “Really? Can you show me? You may have just saved my marriage.”

Me: *still trying not to laugh* “No problem, sir

Lobotomy Monotony
TELEMARKETING | WORKING | JUNE 9, 2014
(In spite of the fact that I have a cell-phone, I get a ton of telemarketing calls. I always ask them not to call back, but they continue.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, I’m calling from [Law Firm] about a class-action lawsuit. Have you recently had a surgery you needed denied?”

Me: “You know it’s illegal for lawyers to solicit services, right?”

Telemarketer: “But, ma’am, isn’t there any surgery you need but haven’t been able to get approved by your insurance?”

Me: “Actually, now that I think about it, I really could use a lobotomy and a boob job.”

Telemarketer: “Excellent! At [Law Firm] we specialize in getting you services you need. So about your lobotomy—”

Me: “Hey, think about what I said.”

Telemarketer: “You said you needed a lobotomy?”

Me: “Sounds like you had one if you don’t know what it is…”

Telemarketer: “…”

Me: “Think about it.”

Telemarketer: “F*** you, b****!”

Me: “STOP CALLING ME!”

(He hung up, and then started calling me from his PERSONAL cell to abuse me… until I turned his number over to the police. I have yet to be bothered by a telemarketer since!)

This Little Piggy Went To H***
EDITORS' CHOICE, RUDE & RISQUE, TEACHERS, TECH SUPPORT, USA, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | MARCH 6, 2008
Me: “Can I help you?”

Teacher: “Yes, I’ve forgotten my password and would like you to retrieve it for me.”

(I do some ID verification stuff.)

Me: “All right, just a moment. Okay, ma’am. Your password is…”

Teacher: *apparently remembering at the last minute* “Oh, no.”

Me: “Piggly… Wiggly… F***er.”

Teacher: *sheepishly* “Yeah… thank you.”

Me: *bursts out laughing*

His Behavior Is Not Up To Scratch
VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 1, 2014
(I’m ringing up a customer who is purchasing a replacement copy for a game that stopped working.)

Customer: “Yeah, this game just stopped working. It looks fine, though.”

Me: “We can get you another, but let me see if we can trade the defective copy towards the new copy.”

(I look the disc over, which has been scratched beyond belief, the is even marks around the center of the disc as if someone were trying to carve circles around it with a razor, but didn’t have a steady hand.)

Me: “It looks like someone intentionally scratched it to a point where it is not repairable.”

Customer: “That’s fine, we bought it at another store a week ago.”

Me: “We won’t be able to exchange it, if something like that happens to this copy.”

(I grab our last copy of the game for him, which he inspects.)

Customer: “Why would you even try to sell this. This looks like garbage.”

Me: “Sir, there’s just a fingerprint on it. It’s in far better condition than the one you had.”

Customer: “Well, you’d best find another one, because I won’t buy this.”

(After cleaning the fingerprint off and replacing the disc back in this case he purchased it and left. He returned a week later with a copy in the same condition as the one he was originally replacing. Turns out his kid was carving into the discs with a knife, and he had brought the kid in to make him pay $50 for the last copy, and pay his father back by trading his other games. Sweet justice.)

Can’t Get A Handle On The Handle
RETAIL | RIGHT | JULY 15, 2013
(We are an appliance dealer. Our doors are locked as a safety precaution, and we have to buzz people in. A customer is furiously jiggling the door handle. I speak to her through the intercom.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Woman: “OPEN UP!”

Me: “Okay ma’am, wait for the buzzer and pull.”

(The customer continues to jiggle it before and through the buzzer sound, so it doesn’t open.)

Woman: “LET ME IN! WHAT IS THIS?! ARE YOU RACIST IN THERE? YOU DON’T WANT MY KIND IN THERE?!”

(I speak louder over the non-stop jiggling and banging.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’ll buzz you in again. Just please let go, wait for the buzzer, and then pull.”

(The customer continues to jiggle the handle and yell and bang. This repeats two more times.)

Me: “Miss, I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s really not that difficult. Please, just take your hands off the handle, wait for the buzzer, and then pull the handle.”

(The customer continues to jiggle the handle.)

Woman: “WELL F*** THIS! I DON’T NEED THIS! I’M A F****** QUEEN!”

(The customer punches the glass and leaves.)

Me: “Have a nice day, your highness.”

Strange Math In These Here Parts
HOTEL, TIME, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 18, 2009
Customer: “What time is check-in at your hotel?”

Me: “3 pm.”

Customer: “And check out?”

Me: “11 am.”

Customer: “Okay, so we got four hours.”

Me: “Um, yeah…”

Ill-Timed Intervention
BOOKSTORE, RELIGION | RIGHT | APRIL 30, 2009
Me: Hi, ma’am. How can I help you on this fine Sunday afternoon?”

Lady: “I need to talk to the owner.”

Me: “She’s not in today, ma’am. If you’d like to–”

Lady: “I need to talk to her NOW! I have a message from GOD!”

Me: “…”

Lady: “…” *glares*

Me: “Well, she’s still not in. If you wanna leave a message…”

Lady: “You don’t understand! God Himself has sent me here with a message for her; it’s important and needs to be delivered today, right now!”

Me: “God sent you here?”

Lady: “Yes, to deliver an important message to the owner.”

Me: *leaning across the counter, eyebrows raised* “Um… wouldn’t God know that the owner never works on Sundays?”

(She freaks out and begins ranting incoherently about how God will strike us down. Then she throws some things and leaves, slamming the door.)

Me: “Have a good day!”

Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Test
CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, DMV, EDITORS' CHOICE, FUNNY, USA | RIGHT | MAY 7, 2009
(My mom and I are leaving from the place where I took the test to get my driver’s license when we see another car drive in. A man steps out of the car and talks to the lady in charge of giving the driver’s test. )

Driver: “I’m here to take my driver’s test.”

Employee: “Who drove you here?”

Driver: “I drove myself.”

Employee: “You drove yourself here to take the test to get your driver’s license?”

Driver: “Yes.”

Employee: “That could be a problem…”

Blood Type B(igot)
MEDICAL OFFICE | RIGHT | MAY 15, 2013
(I’m in the waiting room at the ER, waiting for news about my girlfriend. There’s a very agitated patient at the counter with a cut on his hand, but he’s demanding to speak to a nurse before he gets any attention. )

Patient: “I need to know if there’s any way to make sure I get the right kind of blood if I need a transfusion.”

Hospital Employee: “Of course, we check your blood type and make sure we get a match. If you give a type A person type B blood, it can be very dangerous, so we have to be careful. But looking at your hand, I don’t think you’ll need—”

Patient: “No no no! You filthy ingrate; you don’t understand! I want to make sure I don’t get no [racial slur] blood! You need to make sure that if I get a transfusion, it’s white blood!”

(Everyone in the emergency room is staring at him. He turns around to glare at us all.)

Patient: “What? You have no right to judge me! I have pride; that’s all that matters! If I want to keep my blood pure. These idiots need to make sure that happens!”

Hospital Employee: “Sir, we don’t keep racial records on blood donors. Nor do the blood banks. We make sure there are no blood-borne illnesses, and that the typing matches.”

Patient: “That isn’t good enough! I ain’t getting no [racial slur] blood, you hear me?”

Hospital Employee: “Again, sir, looking at this injury, you shouldn’t need a transfusion. You’d literally have to have someone come in and donate blood to you.”

Patient: *to me* “You! You’re white! What blood type are you?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; I couldn’t, in good conscience, save the life of a bigot.”

(Everybody applauds, but the man actually passes out. They stitch up his hand, and unsurprisingly, he doesn’t need blood.)

For You, We’re Always Closed, Part 3
HARDWARE STORE | RIGHT | JANUARY 17, 2014
Me: “Customer service. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Is this [Hardware Store]?”

(I’m slightly confused, as to call the store you have to go through a menu and press certain numbers to actually get customer service, so it should be very clear that we are [Hardware Store].)

Me: “Yes, Ma’am.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, your automatic thingy didn’t say so!”

Me: “Oh, um… okay. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Customer: “Yes! I was really surprised to hear you’re closed on Thanksgiving!”

Me: “Yes, Ma’am. We’re very happy to spend the day with our families.”

Customer: “Your families? So you’re closed? What if MY family needs to buy something? Your family isn’t more important than mine! When you work in a store you should know you can’t have a family!”

Me: “Ma’am, what exactly would you have to buy from [Hardware Store] on Thanksgiving Day?”

Customer: “Well… well, I don’t know, but you should be open anyway! Just in case!”

This Test Has Your Name On It
COLLEGE & UNIVERSITY | LEARNING | APRIL 22, 2013
(I’m taking a final exam with a professor who is known for little ‘experiments.’ I’m also not very good at his subject. Our tests are face down on our desks ready for us to begin.)

Professor: “Anyone who gets up now, walks out the door, and doesn’t take the test will get a 6.”

(A 6 is a passing grade, but barely. Most of the students get up and walk out. I remain seated.)

Professor: “[My name], you are having a hard time with this subject; don’t you want the 6?”

Me: “I would like my grades to be my own work, so I’ll stay.”

Professor: “Okay then. *addressing the few of us who stayed* “Please turn over the test.”

(We turn over the test and it only has one question: ‘Name.’)

Not Quite Up Their Alley
BOWLING ALLEY, PENNSYLVANIA, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 28, 2010
Customer: “We would like to bowl on the lane next to our friends. They are on lane five.”

Me: “Okay, no problem. You are on lane six.”

Customer: “Where’s that?”

Real Sugar Can’t Be Beet
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 7, 2013
(A customer comes up with two packages of[energy drink].)

Customer: “Is this sugar free?”

Me: “Nope, afraid not. The sugar free usually has a lighter coloring on the box.”

(The customer repeats his question twice more, and I repeat my answer twice more. Finally, he decides to buy the two packages of normal [energy drink].)

Me: “All right, here’s your receipt!”

Customer: “Wait here. I’ll go get the sugar free…”

(Puzzled, I keep an eye on his groceries. When he returns, he takes the normal [energy drink] out of the bag, putting the new packages in the bag.)

Me: “Sir, didn’t you want to purchase those, too?”

Customer: “No! I told you, I was going to get sugar free! You rang me up for them!”

Me: “Sir, I told you three times that you were buying the regular kind. If you want those instead, you’re going to have to do an exchange.”

Customer: “No! I told you! I wanted sugar free! I have no time for this!”

(I call over my supervisor.)

Supervisor: “What’s up?”

(I explain the situation, calling it a slight problem in communication.)

Customer: “I told her; I’m very busy! I have no time for this!”

Supervisor: “Sir, in the time it took me to walk over here, you could’ve had this done and been on your way. I’ll take care of this on another register.”

(Without a word further, my supervisor takes the customer’s groceries and brings them to another register. A regular customer is behind the other customer, and has witnessed the whole thing.)

Regular Customer: “Geez! People sure are awful, huh?

And He Said, Fiat Lux
HOTEL | RIGHT | AUGUST 6, 2011
(A guest checks into our hotel late at night. About five minutes later, he comes back to the front desk.)

Guest: “My room’s supposed to have a view of the ocean. I can’t see it. Did you put me in the wrong room?”

Me: *jokingly* “Well, it is nighttime…”

Guest: *blank stare*

Me: “Here, I’ll move you to the other ocean view room.”

(I move the guest to the other room. Again, he comes back.)

Guest: “I still can’t see the ocean! I reserved this room specifically for the ocean view!”

Me: “I do apologize. If you still can’t see the ocean in the morning, we’ll give you a discount.”

(The guest reluctantly agrees to this and leaves in a huff. However, he does not return the next morning.)

Drive Through Democracy
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MARCH 19, 2015
(A customer pulls up to my window, and he looks extremely similar to Bill Clinton.)

Me: “Has anyone ever told you that you look like Bill Clinton?”

Customer: “I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!”

(The customer then proceeded, in full Clinton style, to light up a joint at my drive-through window.)

Getting The Raw Deal
MARKET | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 8, 2013
(Near where I live, there is a popular Amish market. We buy their baked goods a lot. We buy a six-pack of cinnamon buns. Once we cut one, we realize they are raw inside.)

Me: “Yes, I’d like to return these, please.”

Baker: “Why?”

Me: “They’re raw on the inside.”

Baker: “But they’re already open.”

Me: “Yes, I cut one. That’s how I realized they were raw on the inside.”

Baker: “But you can’t return it. It’s open.”

Me: “I can’t eat it. It’s raw. You’re not allowed to sell it that way, either. It’s a health hazard.”

Baker: “Well, what do you want me to do?”

Me: “I’d like a refund. I can’t eat these, and I had no way of knowing they were raw when I bought them.”

Baker: “…”

Me: “Well, could you finish cooking them at least?”

Baker: “But you opened it! One’s cut!”

Me: “Yes. Now think about it. Do they look raw on the outside?”

Baker: “No…”

Me: “Excellent. Now, are they raw on the inside?”

Baker: “Yes…”

Me: “Good. Now the big one: How could I know they were raw on the inside?”

Baker: “…if you cut one and saw.”

Me: “Yes! So there’s no way I could’ve known without cutting one.”

Baker: “Oh. Well, I don’t want to give you a refund.”

Me: “Well, you do realize you’re not allowed to sell them like this? There are laws. There are health regulations. I could report this—”

Baker: “—fine! Here’s your refund!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Can’t Face The Speed
OFFICE | WORKING | MAY 19, 2015
(At our office we have a lot of data to upload and download. To make this a bit faster, workers who don’t have to use the Internet intensively for work purposes have their speed limited, to leave more bandwidth for the ones who don’t. It’s not a big limit, as it’s still possible to watch streaming videos and download files at normal speeds. I’m the IT guy.)

New Coworker: “Hey, my Internet is slow! Could you take a look at my PC?”

Me: “That’s normal. Since all your work is done offline you don’t need so much speed, so it’s limited.”

New Coworker: “But it takes me more than 10 seconds to load the page! That can’t be normal!”

(I’m sure she’s exaggerating, but I agree to go look at her PC. She sits down and goes to show me by loading a webpage.)

New Coworker: “See? It shouldn’t take THIS long to load!”

Me: “Umm, yes, but it’s because you’re watching videos on YouTube. That takes some bandwidth, and slows down your connection which isn’t that fast to begin with.”

New Coworker: “Yeah, even the videos sometimes glitch. So, what will you do about it?”

Me: “Well, nothing. You don’t need faster net for working purposes.”

New Coworker: “But I can’t work without music!”

Me: “Bring your own on a thumb drive, and listen to that? That’s what I do.”

New Coworker: “Why should I do that? It’s YOUR responsibility to enable ME to do my job properly.”

Me: “It’s not connected with your job—”

(She storms off and returns a minute later with our boss.)

Boss: “[New Coworker] is telling me you won’t raise her speed limit and she can’t work because of it!”

Me: “Work? Okay, why don’t we take a look at her browsing history? If it’s for work I’ll raise it right away.”

(She panics, but boss gives me a green light.)

Me: “So let’s see: Facebook, Facebook, YouTube, 9gag, 9gag, 9gag, YouTube, Facebook, YouTube, eBay, YouTube, Facebook… ah, here’s website of the guy we order toner from, so that’s work… Facebook, YouTube, YouTube, eBay… Should I keep going?”

Boss: “You’ve been working hard, [New Coworker]? Maybe I should give you a raise.”

New Coworker: “But I can’t work without music!”

Boss: “Bring an mp3 player from now on.”

New Coworker: “I don’t want to do that!”

Boss: “You’ll have to because [My Name] will be blocking all of the sites you went to that weren’t related to work. And this is your final warning; if I catch you playing with your phone or something you’ll be jobless.”

(Guess who got fired the next week for playing games on her phone?)

A Fish In Troubled Waters
AQUARIUM | RIGHT | JULY 14, 2015
(I am an unpaid volunteer at a local aquarium. On this particular day we have a chocolate company visiting and vendors are set up throughout the building selling their food. I am working at an information desk at this time.)

Guest: “Hey, do happen to have an ATM in here?”

Me: “I apologize sir, but the closest ATM is outside in the parking garage.”

Guest: *suddenly yelling* “You mean to tell me I have to go all the way outside, come in, and pay AGAIN?!”

Me: “I assure you, you won’t have to pay again if you have your ticket. If not, you can ask for me to come verify you’ve been in. However, you will have to go back outside. I apologize for the inconvenience.”

Guest: “YOU KNOW WHAT?! I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR S***, YOU INSOLENT LITTLE F***!”

Me: “Sir, please stop swearing; there are young children around. Again, I apologize for any inconvenience this has brought upon you, but we do not have a general need for an ATM except for this one day.”

(The guest goes into a rant about how I am ignorant and it is my fault the aquarium is losing money. I am losing my patience with this man and start zoning out. When he pauses to breathe, I take my chance to interject.)

Me: “I am terribly sorry, sir, but we do not have a use for ATMs as the fish do not require us to pay them on a regular basis.”

(The manager, who witnessed the whole thing, started laughing as she had security escort the man out.)

Parents, The Gateway Drug
FAMILY & KIDS, GAMES, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, USA, VIDEO GAME STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 22, 2009
(A man and woman with a 10-year-old kid come up to my counter to rent Grand Theft Auto 4.)

Me: “You know, this game is rated and ‘M’ and generally not considered a good choice for young children.”

Parent: “Yeah, so?”

Me: “Just saying… Some parents don’t know. I just wanted to make sure.”

Parent: “Pfft… like I care about that. You’re going to be a boring parent!”

Well, That Went South
RETAIL | RIGHT | JULY 12, 2013
(At my job, I am well known to my customers for my politeness and excellent service. I’m also well known for my red and black hair, since it’s a bit different. My manager comes to talk to me. She is laughing a bit.)

Manager: “So we just got a customer complaint about you.”

Me: “Oh, really? I’m a little surprised.”

Manager: “Yeah, me too. You just missed the phone call, actually.”

Me: “Okay… well… what did they say?”

Manager: “She told me you were really rude to her.”

Me: “I was?”

Manager: “I know. I told her you were the nicest one here. I asked her if she was sure it was you and she said ‘Yeah, the girl with the red and black hair!'”

Me: “Okay…? Did they tell you what I said?”

Manager: “She said, ‘Well, she told me to have a nice day and everything… but she didn’t ask me how my day went! I found that incredibly rude!'”

Me: “Wow… really?”

Sadly Wasn’t Born Yesterday
BAR, OHIO, STUPID, TIME, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 16, 2010
(Note: this customer has heard that a girl is celebrating her birthday on Friday the 13th.)

Customer: “I hope my birthday never falls on Friday the 13th!”

Me: “When’s your birthday?”

Customer: “May 20th!”

Enough Barking Crazy For One Day
RETAIL | RIGHT | OCTOBER 8, 2014
(I’m a supervisor working a closing shift, helping out for another department, since we’re short on people that night, and doing my work at the service desk. My coworker, who is manning the service desk that night, is on the phone with someone, looking slightly perplexed.)

Coworker: *mouths toward me* “Take this! Please!”

(She passes the phone over to me.)

Me: “Thank you for calling your local [Store Name]. How may I help you?”

Customer: *in a very forced high pitched voice* “Do you have any doghouses.”

(It’s pretty difficult to understand, as they’re clearly disguising their voice to sound like a woman.)

Me: “I’m sorry. Did you say doghouses?”

Customer: “Yes, doghouses.”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m sorry. We don’t carry doghouses. We do have dog cages and dog carriers, though.”

Customer: “Do you think a little boy could fit in them?”

Me: *hangs up* “Nope. Not tonight. I do not have the patience. They asked if a little boy could fit in them. F*** that!”

Your Scam Is Malfunctioning
RECORDING STUDIO | WORKING | MARCH 2, 2015
(I just received a call from ‘Allen,’ the Microsoft Certified Technician, who says there’s something wrong with my computer:)

Me: “I am really busy right now, but could you please call back in five minutes at my other number?”

Caller: “Sure. Just say the number.”

Me: “My number is [number]. Thanks, and I look forward to chatting with you.”

(I hang up and called the same number and the Fairfax Police Department dispatcher answers.)

Me: “Hi, [Dispatcher]. You should expect a phone call from Allen the scammer regarding a malfunctioning computer.”

Dispatcher: *laughs* “That’s a great one! I look forward to chatting with him!”

Well, That Narrows It Down
DELI, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | MARCH 18, 2009
(The guy asks for a couple of beef brisket sandwiches, but has not specified the type of bread.)

Me: “Sir, what type of bread would you like with your sandwiches?”

Customer: “Uh…”

Me: “We have wheat, rye, white, sourdough, nine-grain…”

Customer: “Do you have that one, you know, the square kind?”

Customers To Keep You On Your Toes
DALLAS, DANCE STUDIO, IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, JERK, PARENTS/GUARDIANS, TEXAS, USA | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 4, 2010
(My husband and I inherited a dance studio from his mother and we’re both full-time teachers there. Naturally, our five-year-old spends a lot of time with us at the studio. Her father and I were playing “Swan Lake” with her one day in one of the dance studios after all the classes were over when a mother and her daughter came in.)

Customer: “Excuse me!”

Me: “Can I help you? Classes are over for the day.”

Customer: “I would like to organize one-on-one private lessons with you for my daughter.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t do private lessons.”

Customer: “So why is he teaching that little girl how to do a lift?”

Me: “That’s our daughter. He’s not teaching her anything; he’s just picking her up. We were playing a game.”

Customer: “I demand you give my child private lessons!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve just told you, we don’t do that here.”

Customer: “She’s been in your class for two years!”

Me: “Yes, I know.”

Customer: “That little girl isn’t even old enough to be in your class.”

Me: “No, she’s not, but she’s my daughter. She’s been exposed to ballet since she was a baby.”

Customer: “So has my child! She knows culture!”

Me: “I understand, ma’am, but I just can’t give her private lessons.”

Customer: “Why are you letting her do it, then?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve told you already, she’s my daughter. She gets private lessons with me whether she likes it or not. We live together.”

Customer: “So, if I send my daughter to live with you, will you teach her?”

Me: “Ma’am, you can’t send your daughter to live with us.”

My Daughter: “Mommy! Look at me!”

Customer: “Oh, she really is your daughter? I thought you were lying. See you tomorrow for class!”

A Vanessa By Any Other Name
AT THE CHECKOUT, BIZARRE, GROCERY STORE, USA | RIGHT | MAY 27, 2009
(As I’m ringing an elderly lady’s groceries through, she reads my name tag incorrectly.)

Customer: “Vanessa… Vanessa! That’s such a lovely name.”

Me: “Oh? Yeah, it is.”

Customer: “Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa! Vanessa!”

Me: “It’s great, but I’m not–”

Customer: “Your mother has such good taste! Van-ESSA!”

Me: “Thank you, but–”

Customer: “I bet, when you were young, she’d say things like ‘Vanessa! Get over here! You’re such a naughty girl!'”

Me: “Um, something like that…”

Customer: “Well, you have a great day, Vanessa!”

Ring Me Up And Shut Me Down
AWESOME, BOSSES & OWNERS, GAS STATION, INSTANT KARMA, JERK, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 20, 2012
(I’m grabbing a few sundries after filling my car up. The only other people in the store are a young girl at the register and a customer she’s serving. I take no interest in them until I suddenly hear the customer screaming.)

Customer: “Get me your manager, now! You’ve worked your last shift at this place, you worthless b****!”

Cashier: “I certainly will, ma’am, but I was merely—”

Customer: “No! Not another word! I am the customer; the manager will believe whatever I tell him. Now stop stalling and get him for me!”

(The cashier sighs and disappears into the back room, returning with said manager a moment later.)

Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’ll say there is! This incompetent s*** rang my gum up twice and then laughed in my face when I told her to correct the error. I’m certain she rang all my other stuff up incorrectly, as well. I demand you kick her to the curb!”

Manager: “I see…” *to the cashier* “Is this true?”

Cashier: “Well, just the part about ringing up her gum twice. I apologized and fixed the error immediately.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You’re lying!”

Manager: “Could you bring the transaction up, please?”

Customer: “She’s lying! She f****** laughed in my face!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I was only smiling. I promise.”

Manager: *checking the register screen* “Hmmm, I see she did correct her error, and everything else was rung up properly.”

Customer: “FIRE HER!”

Manager: “Ma’am, may I ask you a question first? Namely, who are you?”

(She states her full name, job title, company, and the location of her office, which is a small brokerage firm in the nearby town.)

Manager: “Hmm, can’t say I’ve ever heard of them, or you. Nevertheless, let me ask you this: why should I fire this girl whom I’ve worked with for three years, has never missed a day without good reason, is always on time for her shift, and has been described by several of our regulars as one of the most courteous ladies they’ve ever met, over a simple mistake which, as I’m seeing here, she quickly corrected?”

Woman: “Wha? But… I… you… because I’m the customer!”

Manager: *nods* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t see how that’s a valid reason to side with someone I don’t know from Adam, and thus lose a model employee whom I know to be perfectly trustworthy and respectful. Is there anything else we can help you with?”

(With that, the customer screams, shoves what’s on the counter at the manager, and storms out.)

Manager: *to the cashier* “If I believed every windbag who came in here ranting incoherently, I’d never be able to hang onto any staff. I’ll be in my office if you need me again.” *disappears into the back*

Me: *stunned* “My God. That was awesome!”

Cashier: *beaming brightly* “Whole reason why I love my job!”

This story is part of our I Love My Job roundup!

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Gives New Meaning To Troubleshooting
TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | JANUARY 12, 2015
(This is an old story. I am working Vista tech support right around the release, as a level 2 tech. This exchange happens right as the call is escalated.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve got my 22-gauge pointed at my desktop. Do you think that’s going to be a better solution than what you got?”

Me: “Uh…”

(The sad part is that he had to replace all the hardware, so the gun would have been a faster solution.)

Ring Me Up And Shut Me Down
AWESOME, BOSSES & OWNERS, GAS STATION, INSTANT KARMA, JERK, USA, WASHINGTON | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 20, 2012
(I’m grabbing a few sundries after filling my car up. The only other people in the store are a young girl at the register and a customer she’s serving. I take no interest in them until I suddenly hear the customer screaming.)

Customer: “Get me your manager, now! You’ve worked your last shift at this place, you worthless b****!”

Cashier: “I certainly will, ma’am, but I was merely—”

Customer: “No! Not another word! I am the customer; the manager will believe whatever I tell him. Now stop stalling and get him for me!”

(The cashier sighs and disappears into the back room, returning with said manager a moment later.)

Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I’ll say there is! This incompetent s*** rang my gum up twice and then laughed in my face when I told her to correct the error. I’m certain she rang all my other stuff up incorrectly, as well. I demand you kick her to the curb!”

Manager: “I see…” *to the cashier* “Is this true?”

Cashier: “Well, just the part about ringing up her gum twice. I apologized and fixed the error immediately.”

Customer: “Bulls***! You’re lying!”

Manager: “Could you bring the transaction up, please?”

Customer: “She’s lying! She f****** laughed in my face!”

Cashier: “Ma’am, I was only smiling. I promise.”

Manager: *checking the register screen* “Hmmm, I see she did correct her error, and everything else was rung up properly.”

Customer: “FIRE HER!”

Manager: “Ma’am, may I ask you a question first? Namely, who are you?”

(She states her full name, job title, company, and the location of her office, which is a small brokerage firm in the nearby town.)

Manager: “Hmm, can’t say I’ve ever heard of them, or you. Nevertheless, let me ask you this: why should I fire this girl whom I’ve worked with for three years, has never missed a day without good reason, is always on time for her shift, and has been described by several of our regulars as one of the most courteous ladies they’ve ever met, over a simple mistake which, as I’m seeing here, she quickly corrected?”

Woman: “Wha? But… I… you… because I’m the customer!”

Manager: *nods* “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t see how that’s a valid reason to side with someone I don’t know from Adam, and thus lose a model employee whom I know to be perfectly trustworthy and respectful. Is there anything else we can help you with?”

(With that, the customer screams, shoves what’s on the counter at the manager, and storms out.)

Manager: *to the cashier* “If I believed every windbag who came in here ranting incoherently, I’d never be able to hang onto any staff. I’ll be in my office if you need me again.” *disappears into the back*

Me: *stunned* “My God. That was awesome!”

Cashier: *beaming brightly* “Whole reason why I love my job!”

This story is part of our I Love My Job roundup!

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Read the I Love My Job roundup!

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Gives New Meaning To Troubleshooting
TECH SUPPORT | RIGHT | JANUARY 12, 2015
(This is an old story. I am working Vista tech support right around the release, as a level 2 tech. This exchange happens right as the call is escalated.)

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve got my 22-gauge pointed at my desktop. Do you think that’s going to be a better solution than what you got?”

Me: “Uh…”

(The sad part is that he had to replace all the hardware, so the gun would have been a faster solution.)

Tastefully Talking Turkey
AT THE CHECKOUT, AWESOME, FUNNY, HOLIDAYS, INSPIRATIONAL, MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | DECEMBER 4, 2013
(I am in line waiting to be checked out for some items. The customer ahead of me has paid for his merchandise. As he takes his change, he strikes up a conversation with the young clerk.)

Customer: “I was wondering, are you going to be open on Thanksgiving? I know some stores are starting to do that.”

Clerk: *sighs* “Yes, sir. We’re open until eight pm.”

Customer: “Well, that’s certainly some bulls*** right there!”

Clerk: *laughing* “I’m not allowed to comment, sir.”

Customer: “Well, I am. Please tell your boss you got some resoundingly negative feedback from a customer over that. And, while you’re at it, tell him the same customer gave you resoundingly positive feedback on your service. You’re a very nice young lady. I hope you prosper in life.”

(The customer then walks out, leaving the clerk and me to look at each other in mutual confusion.)

Clerk: “Well, apparently, that just happened.”

Blue Screen Flash Of Death
COMPUTER REPAIR, FUNNY, TECHNOLOGY, USA | RIGHT | JUNE 15, 2008
(The client, a postman, walks in with his older machine. He sets it down on the desk. I turn it on and dust comes out the back. He explains how slow it’s been and how much he hates Windows Millennium Edition.)

Me: “We can fix that up for you, but with the cost of the upgrade to Windows XP, the memory to support it, etc., it might be wise just to purchase a new computer and transfer the data.”

Client: “Nah, that’s all right. I like this one.”

(I go around the desk to fetch his paperwork. He somehow finds a paper clip and decides to remove the dust on the back of his power supply fan with it. Shortly thereafter, a blue flash comes out the back, he jumps a bit, and the computer turns off.)

Client: “Yanno what? I’ll just get that data backup.”

Me: “One moment, please…”

In A Happy Holi-daze, Part 2
GAS STATION | RIGHT | DECEMBER 26, 2014
Me: “Happy Holidays!”

Customer: “It’s Merry Christmas you heathen!”

Me: “Really? I had no idea they cancelled Hanukkah, Ashura, Ramadan, and Yule this year!”

Making A Fractionally Better Coffee
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | WORKING | SEPTEMBER 1, 2014
(I work at a popular fast food chain that is known for their coffee. In order to make a drink that is part one drink, and part another, we have modifiers that come up as 1/2, 1/3, and 1/4. I’m making the coffees at the drive thru when I see and order for a French Vanilla come up, but the person taking the order hit the 1/3 coffee modifier three times.)

Me: “Uh, so, what am I making here?”

Coworker: “A medium French vanilla with three-thirds coffee.”

Me: “So… a coffee?”

Coworker: “No. French vanilla, with three-thirds coffee.”

Me: “But that’s just 100% coffee.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t. It’s three-thirds coffee.”

Me: “Three-thirds is one whole. Three over three is one. It would be completely coffee.”

Coworker: “I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.”

Me: “I’m an engineering student. Math is kinda my thing.”

Coworker: “I still think you’re wrong.”

(By now it’s taken long enough so that the customer has made it to the window.)

Me: “So sorry. What was in your drink?”

Customer: “It’s a medium French vanilla with one-third coffee.”

Me: “Ah, gotcha! The person taking the order put three-thirds coffee!”

Customer: *laughing* “But that would just be a coffee!”

Me: “See?”