See How Nice It Is When The Customer Isn’t Always Right?
AWESOME, BAD BEHAVIOR, BOSSES & OWNERS, CHICAGO, EDITORS' CHOICE, RESTAURANT, USA | RIGHT | JANUARY 7, 2019
(I have been working at a restaurant owned by a German man for the last five months, and he is, hands down, the best boss I have ever had. He moved to the States eight years ago when he married an American woman. Back in Germany, he had three successful restaurants which he sold once he moved, and with the money, he opened one in Chicago. He does not believe in the American way to run restaurants, so he does it the same way he did in Germany. Plates do not overflow, there are no free refills, the customer is not always right, and the best, the staff does not rely on tips to pay rent; we get a proper salary — and still get tipped! After two weeks of working there, I have the unpleasant task of serving one of “Those” tables. The four ladies eat everything they are served, and once I bring them their bill this conversation happens.)

Customer: “I will not be paying for our second round of drinks, and I will not pay for the meals, either. They were disgusting.”

Me: “There are no free refills at this restaurant, so I am afraid you will have to pay for all your drinks, ma’am, as you will have to pay for your food.”

Customer: “NO, I WILL NOT PAY. I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR BOSS!”

(There’s no need to call the owner as he heard the screaming and is already on his way.)

Owner: “Hello. My name is [Owner], and I am the owner. May I ask what the issue is?”

Customer: “We were charged twice for our drinks, and our food was disgusting; we will not pay.”

Owner: *to me* “Have they been charged twice for the same drink, or were they given drinks twice?”

Me: “They all had two drinks.”

Owner: “Okay, madam, we do not do free refills here, which means you are going to have to pay for all your drinks. Regarding the food, you ate everything, so it couldn’t have been that disgusting. However, if it was, you now know what not to order next time.”

Customer: “Your waitress was very rude! I demand to be compensated!”

Owner: “I am sure she wasn’t; we’ve had no complaints thus far. Anyway, if you consider the service to have been subpar, don’t tip your waitress. I now have other customers to attend to. I wish you all a nice evening.”

(At this, he turned around and went back to charming the remaining customers. The complaining customer stood up and left, but fortunately one of the other three ladies had the decency to stay behind and pay.)

When The Not Blind Lead The Blind
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 14, 2011
(I work in a shop with several shelves of vitamins and herbal products. A man walks into the store and straight up to my counter.)

Customer: “Vitamins.”

Me: “What kind are you looking for?”

Customer: “Eyes.”

(He starts to scan the shelves with admirable inefficiency.)

Me: “These ones?”

(I point at the supplements specifically for eyesight.)

Customer: “No.”

(He scans shelves some more.)

Customer: “I can’t see them! You’re useless!”

(He throws his hands in the air and storms out of the store.)

Customers Should Watch Their Language
CALL CENTER, WORDPLAY | RIGHT | DECEMBER 2, 2010
(I work in tech support for a major US cable company, and sometimes we have to deal with people who just don’t want to talk to you because you’re foreign.)

Customer: “You know what? I can’t understand a word you’re saying. You have an accent. Can I be transferred to someone who speaks English?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’m speaking English right now, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I can’t understand you because of your accent.”

Me: “So, basically you’re saying you want me to transfer you to someone else.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Because I have an accent.”

Customer: “That’s right.”

Me: “And you can’t understand what I’m saying.”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “So how come you were able to understand what I just said?”

(A few seconds of silence.)

Customer: “Don’t be an a**-hole and just transfer me!”

Have A Hunch About Why They Want To Munch
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 28, 2015
(Our fries take almost four minutes to cook and a customer has just ordered four large fresh fries. Two people have already told her there will be a wait on them. I notice a strong smell coming from her vehicle when she comes to my window.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am, here are you drinks and your fries will be done in about three minutes. If you just pull forward a bit I’ll bring your order right out to you—”

Customer: “Oh, h***, no! I ain’t waiting for my d*** food! Give me my food now!”

Me: “I’m afraid your fries aren’t done-”

Customer: “I don’t care! GIVE ME MY FOOD!”

Me: “You ordered four large fresh fries-”

Customer: “I WANT YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “Our fries take four minutes to cook. Two of my coworkers have already told you that you will be waiting on them. I apologize—”

Customer: *still yelling* “I SAID GET ME YOUR-”

Me: *yelling over her* “EITHER PULL FORWARD OR I’LL CALL THE COPS ABOUT THE STENCH OF MARIJUANA COMING FROM YOUR CAR.”

Customer: *suddenly meek* “Uh… I’ll… I’ll just pull forward.”

(I turn around to see my manager staring at me.)

Manager: “I hope to God she doesn’t complain about you because I’d hate to write you up for that.”

My Coworker Is An Airhead
FURNITURE STORE | WORKING | MAY 22, 2013
(My coworker is filling balloons with helium to decorate our furniture store.)

Coworker #1 : “Did you know that if you fill one of those balloons with twice as much helium, it’ll be twice as weightless?”

Coworker #2 : “Really?”

Coworker #1 : “Yep!”

Me: “Um, you know that helium isn’t truly weightless, don’t you? It may become more buoyant, but it isn’t ever weightless.”

Coworker #1 : “That’s not true. Helium is weightless. How else would it make the balloon float? So it stands to reason that twice as much would be twice as weightless!”

Me: “No, weightless means zero weight. By your logic, twice zero is zero, but helium isn’t weightless. It’s simply that helium is lighter than the gases comprising air. Take the example of a bubble rising to the surface of water because the water is heavier than air.”

Coworker #1 : “But air doesn’t have weight either! Can you feel it?” ”

(To demonstrates his point, he fans the air in front of himself.)

Coworker #1 : *triumphantly* “NO!”

Me: *facepalm*

More Than You Bargained For, Part 3
CELLPHONE STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 26, 2011
(The prepaid phones we sell are displayed on a wall, with their price printed next to each phone.)

Customer: “Hey mate, how much is that phone there?”

Me: *glancing at pricing card* “One hundred fifty nine dollars.”

Customer: “Can you do it for one sixty?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “Sure, why not?”

You No Challenge Tarzan
PET STORE, PETS & ANIMALS | RIGHT | APRIL 13, 2009
(I often wander around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other, and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cares as long as I do my job and don’t hurt anyone. I often get odd looks, though.)

Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

(I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

This story is part of our Hamsters Roundup!

Laptop Flop
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, RETAIL, TECHNOLOGY | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 21, 2009
Me: “Hi! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I would like to purchase a laptop but want to customize it a little bit.”

Me: “Okay, great! I can help you with that.”

(I pull up her account, and pull up the laptop that she wants to customize.)

Customer: “Okay, I want eight GB of memory, two TB hard drive– Oh, and also, can you please move the ‘delete’ key next to the space bar? I hate having to go to the top of the keyboard to press that.”

Piecing Together An Apology
HOME IMPROVEMENT | RIGHT | MARCH 5, 2013
(I’m the assistant manager currently helping out on the registers, when one of the new hires flags me down for help.)

Me: “Hello. How can I help?”

Coworker: “Yeah, she was wondering how much it would cost for us to put together everything.”

(I glance at the cart and see that the customer, a woman in her early 40s, has a total of 11 furniture pieces, all of which require a lot of time to assemble.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but unfortunately we don’t offer that particular service at this time.”

Customer: “You’ve got to be kidding me. [Competitor] would put all of this together for me no problem. Main reason I’m coming here is because you all are cheaper.”

Me: “Yes, and I thank you for choosing to shop with us today. I also know that [competitor] offers an assembly service and that they staff people who do nothing but assemble furniture for their customers. Unfortunately for us, we simply don’t have that kind of manpower or the space to take on that particular service.”

Customer: “I don’t really care if you have the manpower or not! I have f***ing arthritis in my wrists. You honestly think I’d be asking for help if I could do it myself?”

Me: “Of course not, ma’am. Before I go and ask the store manager if there is something that can be done, let me ask you something: are you needing these pieces assembled right away?”

Customer: “Not really. How long would it take you think?”

Me: “I imagine that we could do all this in a little over a week. Reason being is that we’d have various people working on your furniture in between customers. With 11 pieces here, it will take some time to put everything together.”

(The customer reluctantly agrees on the wait time and the store manager agrees to have us assemble everything for free. I take her information and promise to call her whenever her furniture pieces are completed. The following day, she calls in and asks if we’re done yet. This repeats every day for the next four days. Finally I end up taking her phone call on the fifth day.)

Me: “Hello, this is [me], how can I help you?”

Customer: “You can help me by getting my damn furniture finished already. I bought everything last weekend and I have company coming in two days. What the h*** is taking so long? What do you think I’m paying you all for?”

Me: “Ma’am, as I explained to you then, it will take some time for us to put everything together for you because we are low on staff and that it could take a little over a week. You said that that was fine. Secondly, we offered to do this for you free of charge, so you aren’t actually paying us to assist you. But on the positive side of things, we currently have more than half of your furniture assembled and I believe that we’ll be able to have everything put together in two more days if you’re willing to remain patient with us.”

Customer: “You’re all lazy and incompetent! I’m going to have you all fired!”

(The store manager, who has been sitting next to me the entire time, has heard all of this and immediately grabs the phone.)

Store Manager: “Hi, this is the store manager. Now listen here, we have been more than patient with you. Just about every single employee I have, including myself, have agreed at one point or another to take time out of their incredibly busy schedules just to help you out because we value all of our customers. Not once from you have I heard a ‘please’ or a ‘thank you’, yet we still are willing to help out. However, I will not tolerate you berating my employees who are actually completing this project ahead of schedule. Now, if you still feel that we are not moving fast enough for your liking, you are more than welcome to come to the store, pick up your furniture and assemble the rest yourself. I’ll even help you load your car if you need the help.”

(After more incoherent yelling, the customer hangs up. The next day she came in and apologized for her behavior, saying that it was uncalled for. She then went around the store and thanked each employee for being so helpful. Can’t say that I was expecting that.)

You’re An Idi0t
RETAIL | RIGHT | APRIL 13, 2012
(I’ve just handed the customer her credit card receipt.)

Customer: “Why do they put that diagonal line through the O’s?”

Me: “To distinguish the zeroes from the O’s.”

Customer: “But they’re the same thing.”

Me: “Zero is a number, but O is a letter.”

Customer: “No, they’re the same thing!”

The Best Comeback Since Sliced Bread
BAKERY, ENGLAND, HAMPSHIRE, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, JERK, UK | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 14, 2018
(I work in the in-store bakery of a major supermarket in the UK. One of the things we do is slice our fresh-baked loaves for customers. Unfortunately, our bread slicer broke a few days ago and we are waiting for a replacement part, so we can’t use it. A customer comes to the service door. She looks to be in her late thirties, while I am nineteen.)

Customer: *thrusting bread in my direction* “Excuse me, can you slice this for me?”

Me: *walking over to her* “I’m terribly sorry, but our slicer is broken. We’ve been unable to slice bread since Wednesday afternoon.”

(The customer leans to the side.)

Customer: “I can see the slicer right there. Slice it for me.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I know the slicer is there but, as I said, it’s broken. It cannot be used.”

Customer: *huffing* “You people are all the same; your generation is so lazy! All I’m asking you to do is slice this loaf. That’s not so hard.”

Me: “Again, I would love to slice it for you, but I can’t. The bread slicer is out of order. We’re waiting for a part that needs to be ordered directly from the manufacturer.”

Customer: “Look, let me make this simple: you either slice this bread instead of being so lazy, or I get your manager.”

Me: “Our manager knows the slicer is broken. He was the one who had to authorise us ordering the part. You can speak to him if you like, but he’ll tell you the same thing.”

Customer: “Well, this is disgusting! All I want is to get some bread sliced and you’re refusing.”

Me: “I’m not refusing; I just can’t slice bread on a machine that is broken.”

Customer: “There you go with those lazy excuses. You know in the time you’ve made all your lies you could have sliced this bread!”

Me: “Madam, I really don’t know what to tell you. The machine is broken; it needs a specific part replaced and it’s going to take time to get here. In the meantime, we can’t use the machine. If I could slice your bread, I would. But I can’t.”

Customer: “Well, get a bloody knife and cut it for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not something I can do.”

Customer: *smiling triumphantly* “See, your machine isn’t really broken! If it was, you’d have said yes.”

Me: “Not really. We don’t have any knives suitable to slice bread in here. Plus, if you’re going to cut it with a knife, you’d be better off doing it at home.”

Customer: “Fine. Let’s see what your manager has to say about this. I hope you enjoy being unemployed!”

(The customer leaves. My manager does not come over. I decide to make up a few temporary paper signs to put around the bakery aisle to inform customers of our technical difficulties. We didn’t before because all our other customers understood, even if they were a little disappointed. After I put the sign up, I notice the woman is skulking about in the bakery aisle. I wonder what she is up to, so as I put up the signs, I keep an eye on her. Then, an elderly couple, probably in their seventies or older, picks out one of our baked-in-store loaves, and the woman practically jumps on them.)

Customer: “You know they refuse to cut these now? Their staff can’t be bothered. They’re hiring all these young, uneducated people who are too lazy to cut it for us! I tell you, this generation is so lazy!”

(The couple stare at her and then me.)

Elderly Woman: “Oh.” *points to signs I just put up* “Their slicer is broken, deary. I guess you’ll have to make do like my generation did without the luxury of electric slicers and cut it yourself at home with a bread knife instead of being lazy and relying on somebody else to do it for you.”

(The customer was speechless. She turned bright red and left without a word. It made my day.)

The Trouble With Trekkies
CLINIC | HEALTHY | OCTOBER 31, 2017
(During Halloween at my clinic, my boss allows us to dress up a little. Being a Star Trek fan, I wear a Starfleet medical uniform and download a Star Trek soundboard app on my phone.)

Patient: “Hello, sir, I am [name] and I’m here to see Dr. [name].”

Me: “Oh, yes, I have you here right on time. Just have a seat and we’ll call you soon.”

Patient: “Well, while you’re here, I don’t suppose you can scan me with your tricorder to see?”

Me: “Well, if you want me to!”

(I open my soundboard and start playing the tricorder sound as I start scanning him.)

Patient: “Hahaha! Oh, my god! I am laughing so hard, my chest is hurting!”

Coworker: “[My name], you’re such a nerd.”

Me: “I believe that goes with the uniform I’m wearing.”

You Can’t Make Up This
RETAIL | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 4, 2017
(I work at a cosmetics counter in a department store. A lot of men like to joke as they walk by, saying something like “Will you put some makeup on me and make me prettier?” My answer is always the same. This man, however, one-upped me.)

Customer: “Will you put some makeup on me?” *laughs*

Me: “If you want to sit down, I will!”

Customer: “All right, put some eyeliner on me and let’s see if my kids notice!”

(I put some brown eyeliner on him and he left to go find his family, but not before insisting I take a tip from him. He ended up shoving five bucks in my uniform pocket and just walking away. About ten minutes later, he walked back by.)

Customer: *loudly whispering* “They haven’t even noticed yet!”

(Thanks, random man, for making me smile and buying my coworkers and me Cokes with your tip!)

Vocabulary, Meet Veracity
DAYCARE | ROMANTIC | SEPTEMBER 9, 2011
(I work at a daycare center and am teaching a room full of two year-old children to memorize their parents’ or guardians’ names and home phone numbers.)

Me: “So, what’s your daddy’s name?”

Little girl: “Robert!”

Me: “And what’s your mommy’s name?”

Little girl: “Dammitjulia!”

(Needless to say, “Robert” had a little talking-to when he came to pick up his daughter.)

Also seen on: Not Always Right

Bad At Math But Good At Infractions
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | JUNE 28, 2013
(My mom and I are in line at the register. In front of us is a customer with clearly a lot of things.)

Cashier: “Okay, your total comes to $15.31.”

Customer #1 : “No, that’s not right. The dog food and water comes to $8.00!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry; let me try again. It still comes back to $15.31.”

Customer #1 : “Look, you stupid b****! This should all come to $8.00! Old hags like you shouldn’t be f****** working today. You’re too stupid!”

(The cashier is in tears. My mom overhears this, and walks up to the customer.)

My Mom: “Now you listen, little brat. This woman has been polite, calm and patient with you. Just shut the f*** up and buy your things! Maybe if you had the intelligence to check the prices instead of relying on others, you wouldn’t be in this situation, would you? I’ve had an awful day, and I don’t want to spend the next ten minutes listening to your God-d*** mouth!”

(The customer remains silent the whole time. He buys his things and leaves. We walk up to the register.)

My Mom: “So, how was your day?”

Cashier: “Great! Thank you! I’ve been really stressed out. I really needed that.”

Me: “If you lived with us, you would hear a lot more than that!”

(We share a laugh, and the cashier gives us a discount on our things on behalf of my mom shutting the customer up!)

Full Of Coffee And Appreciation
CONVENIENCE STORE | RIGHT | APRIL 8, 2014
(I’m manning the coffee area during the morning ‘coffee rush’, which means I’m basically making pot after pot after pot of coffee nonstop for about three hours. About halfway through, a nicely-dressed woman comes up to the counter. I smile at her and turn away to get yet another pot started.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Yes? How are you?”

Customer: *smiles* “I appreciate you.”

Me: “Really?”

Customer: “Yes, for always having the coffee filled!”

Me: “Thank you!”

(Thank you, Customer. It’s nice to be appreciated!)

Contains Refunds Not Suitable For A Younger Audience
MOVIE THEATER | RIGHT | APRIL 18, 2014
(My colleague has kicked out a pair of boys from a 15-rated film. Managers have stated to us in the past that screen jumpers do not get refunds.)

Boy: “We want our money back!”

Colleague: “I’ll talk to the manager.”

(My colleague goes behind the concession stand for a couple of minutes and comes out.)

Colleague: “My manager says he will not be issuing you a refund.”

Boy: “Then let us back into our film!”

Colleague: “No.”

(My colleague leaves me standing on gate with these boys.)

Boy: “Why can’t you let us back in?”

Me: “You’ve broken the contract you signed by buying a ticket, which states that refunds are not issued, that you will go to the film on your ticket and not into one you’ve been refused entry to, and you’ve broken the trust in our staff that you will keep your deal.”

Boy: “Well, we’re not leaving until we get our money back.”

Me: “You’ve broken your side of the bargain. We have a zero tolerance policy against people who run between screens for any reason and thus we will not be issuing you a refund. Your threat can be seen as harassment, and at this point your only options are to leave this building, or go home escorted by the police. I really don’t mind which.”

(The boys hesitate, and then run off!)

Not Quite At The Top Of Their Game
RETAIL | RIGHT | JUNE 4, 2011
Customer: “I would like to buy [game].”

(I note that the game is offered on multiple platforms.)

Me: “Okay. Would you like it for the computer?”

Customer: “No…I’d like it for my kids.”

Do Ask, Do Tell
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | OCTOBER 24, 2013
(I’m in a civilization class. We’re talking about ancient people of the Mediterranean.)

Teacher: “…and it’s suggested that some practiced homosexuality.”

Student #1 : “Ew!”

Student #2 : *to Student #1 * “Really?”

Teacher: “If you have a problem with that, you’re not really going to like when we discuss the more warlike cultures. They believed having such relations on the battlefield made them better warriors.”

(The class, while not disgusted like Student #1 , still takes a few seconds to try to figure out that logic. Then, one of the more spaced-out students speaks up.)

Student #3 : “Does that mean prisoners could be considered great warriors?”

Teacher: “I’m not going to answer that.”

Obama Is On A Roll
RESTAURANT | RIGHT | MAY 23, 2013
Me: “May I offer you a basket of bread?”

Customer: “Yeah, do you think I can have a basket of just the rolls?”

Me: “Absolutely! I’ll be right back—”

Customer: “You know I bet 99.9% of people who walk in here only want the rolls. Am I right? Why do you even bother carrying the other bread?”

Me: “Well, sir, actually a lot of people like the other bread. Some people even request baskets with no rolls!”

(The customer is all of a sudden very worked up.)

Customer: “Well, I bet those people are people who voted for Obama!”

Me: “I really wouldn’t know, sir.”

Customer: “Well you could probably just tell by looking at them!”

Me: “Sir, I really have no idea what people’s political leanings are based on their bread preferences.”

Customer: “Whatever…”

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Mother Scorned
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | SEPTEMBER 3, 2012
(We’re not too busy at the grocery store this night, but we still have a decent amount of customers. I have just finished a transaction for Customer #1 , a lady no more then 5 feet tall who is carrying a small infant, when I notice that she has left her baby’s bottle on the counter.)

Me: “Oh, Miss! Your baby bottle!”

(My coworker, a young man, picks up the bottle and politely walks the few feet to give it to the woman.)

Customer #1 : “Thank you both so much!” *takes the bottle*

(Out of nowhere, Customer #2 , a man about 6 feet tall, starts screaming.)

Customer #2 : “Why the f*** are you catering to her! You’re a man! She is just a fat lazy b****!”

(My coworker, a few other customers, and I stand in shock. Customer #1 , however, calmly puts her grocery bag on the floor, places her infant in my coworker’s arms, and walks right up to Customer #2 . With amazing speed, her hand shoots out and grabs his collar bone, and he drops to the floor in obvious pain.)

Customer #1 : “You wanna go?! Come on! This fat, lazy b**** will kick your a** all over this d*** store!”

Customer #2 : *meekly raises his arms in surrender*

Customer #1 : “Smart decision!” *picks up her grocery bag, takes back her baby, and merrily goes on her way*

Finders Stealers
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | MAY 10, 2012
(I am bagging groceries at the checkout for a family during Christmas week. This is the busiest week of the year, with many rich out-of-staters coming up to go skiing.)

Little Girl: “Mommy, look what I found! What should I do with it?”

(I look over and see that the little girl has found money on the ground.)

Mother: “Shhhh! Just put it in your pocket, quick!”

(Knowing our store’s policy, I speak up.)

Me: “Actually, if you don’t mind, can I hand it into the service desk? That way, if the person who lost it returns, they can get it back.”

(The little girl hands it to me willingly and I go hand it in. A couple minutes later, the parents come up to the service desk.)

Father: “My little girl found some money on the ground, and some employee made her hand it in. However, I think she should just have it.”

Manager: “Store policy says that if no one comes to claim it after 30 days, then the person who found it—your little girl, in the case—can have it.”

Father: “But it was all tightly rolled up! The person who dropped it was obviously using it to snort coke or something!” *leaves with his family*

(Ten minutes later, the same family managed to con their way into getting the money by speaking with a different employee at the service desk. The real, original owner—one of our regulars—came in two hours later inquiring about $40 he dropped, which at that point was unfortunately long gone.)

Other Customers Might Need Hazard Pay
GROCERY STORE | RIGHT | DECEMBER 18, 2014
(I’m looking for a cheap pair of runners for bike riding in a well known, high street supermarket. I’m wearing a hoodie that looks similar to the fleece jackets worn by staff. A man, large and burly, comes up to me.)

Man: “Hey, you! How much are these jeans?”

(I realise he thinks I work here.)

Me: “Sorry, friend, I don’t work here. Wouldn’t know.”

(I expect that to be the end of it.)

Man: “That’s not what I f***** asked, pal.”

(I left quite quickly.)

It’s Not Easy Being Green
FAST FOOD, RESTAURANT | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 1, 2013
(I’m taking orders and cashing cars at a well known fast food chain drive-thru. I’m having a really bad day. It’s the holidays, and in general all of the customers are being really rude and indecisive, while I’m still trying to be polite and smile. An old man has just placed his order and is approaching my window. I’m a female with green eyes.)

Me: *giving the best smile I can manage* “Hi, sir! How are you today?”

Old man: “Oh, my goodness! You’re just as beautiful as your voice sounds!”

Me: *blushes* “Th-Thank you, sir.”

(I finish cashing him and I hand out his change.)

Old man: “And your eyes are so green! They’re beautiful! Have a lovely afternoon Sweetheart!”

Me: “You too, sir! Thank you!”

(The nice old man drives off. He made my day! It’s people like him that give me faith in humanity.)

A Bitter Drink With A Sweet After Taste
COFFEE SHOP | RIGHT | OCTOBER 23, 2013
(Outside the coffee shop where I work, there’s a beggar who sits there just about every day. I always bring him a cup of coffee when it’s quiet. As I am not allowed to bring my own wallet behind the counter, I pay for it at the end of the day before I close the till. On this particular day, a customer I have just finished serving and has been watching me intently, follows me outside.)

Customer: “Excuse me, what the h*** are you doing?”

Me: “I’m bringing this gentleman coffee.”

Customer: “What, for free?”

Me: “Not that it’s any of your business, but no, I will pay for it tonight.”

Customer: “What, so you’ll pay for my coffee too?”

Me: “No, sir. Clearly you can afford to buy your own.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I work hard, I buy the most expensive thing on your menu every day, I pay my taxes, yet I don’t get free coffee! Does your boss know you’re doing this?”

Me: “Yes, sir. He approves.”

Customer: “F*** you. No he doesn’t. He doesn’t want bums walking around with [Brand] cups! I’m going to report you. Who’s your boss?”

(I point to the Catholic church across the street.)

Me: “That guy. If you want to file a complaint, you’ll have to wait. He’s usually only in on Sundays.”

(Amazingly, that was the end of that.)

In Search Of Common Law And Common Sense
ARIZONA, LAW FIRM, STUPID, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 23, 2010
Me: “This is [Law Firm]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Are you located on the fifth floor?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Well, I am on the fifth floor and there are no offices here.”

Me: “There are three law firms on the fifth floor, ma’am. We are the one all the way to the right of the elevator.”

Customer: “No, there are no offices on this floor. It’s totally open. And, it’s hot.”

Me: “Hot?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s hot. I think you gave me the wrong address.”

(I verify the address, and the customer has the correct address.)

Customer: “Well, it’s just an open floor. I got out of my car up here and there’s no office.”

Me: “Are you… are you on the fifth floor of the parking garage?”

(My office window looks out at the roof (fifth) level of the parking garage. Sure enough, there is a woman on her cell phone pacing around the roof level of the parking garage.)

Customer: “You told me to go to the fifth floor.”

Me: “Of the office building, ma’am, not of the parking garage

Military Intelligence, Part 5
MILITARY, MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA, MONEY, PARKING LOT, USA | RIGHT | APRIL 24, 2010
(A customer drives up to my window and hands me ticket.)

Me: “Hello, sir. The charge is $8, please.”

(The customer hands over money and then looks at screen which displays charge amount.)

Customer: “You know, your screen is confusing. Before, it said 18, and now it says 8.”

Me: “Yes, the screen displays the time before the ticket is read.”

Customer: “Hmm, then you better fix your clocks. I don’t think I have ever heard of 18 o’clock.”

Me: “The clock is on military time.”

Customer: “Oh…”

Friend in Customer’s Car: “Didn’t you serve in Iraq?”

Unable To Table This Discussion
LIARS/SCAMMERS, NON-DIALOGUE | RIGHT | NOVEMBER 12, 2016
I work in a chain-operated sit down restaurant in a small, midwestern city. We are very busy on weekends. We are also attached to a hotel with a bar and banquet facility inside. There are a lot of weddings that take place there, usually on Saturday nights, so Sunday mornings can be especially busy for breakfast.

One Sunday morning we are getting a lot of large groups, most of who did not make reservations. We have a lot of smaller tables in the front of the restaurant and then large tables in the back. We have just seated a group at the last available large table. There are a few smaller tables open, but they are not even close to adjacent. A woman comes in and asks for a table for 12. I tell her that I can’t seat a 12 right now as we don’t have any open tables. She asks if we can push some smaller tables together. I point out that the smaller tables that are open are scattered, with occupied tables between them, and if she would like she can sit in the lobby and we’ll let her know when something opens up.

She starts fuming and demands to speak to the owner. I tell her that he isn’t in at the moment and ask if she would like to leave her number so he can contact her later. She says “No, God-d*** it! Just seat my family! We’re f****** hungry!” I explain to her (again!) that there is no place to seat her and she can wait until something becomes available or she can go elsewhere.

Then she starts in that she knows the owner and they’re good friends and if he were here he would find her a table, he would find a way to make his regular customers happy.

I’ve worked there for six years and had never seen this woman before, so I doubt she’s a regular and I doubt she knows the owner. So, I ask her “Oh, you know Bill?” She says “Yes! I told you, we’re old friends. I went to school with his wife!” I took great pleasure in bursting this hag’s bubble. I said “Ma’am, the owner’s name is Brian, not Bill, and Brian doesn’t have a wife, he has a husband.”

Honestly, even if she DID know the owner, what did she expect? Was he supposed to magically pull a 12-top out of his butt?

This Scam Is Not Ready To Roll
COFFEE SHOP | RIGHT | MARCH 27, 2014
(We are known for our breakfast rolls, which can have five different toppings. This morning two students walk in.)

Student #1 : “Hi. I’ll have a breakfast roll please.”

Me: “Sure thing! What would you like on it?”

Student #1 : “I’ll have sausage, bacon, beans, tomatoes and a hash brown.”

(I set about making his sandwich while my coworker serves his friend. They pay and I hand [Student #1 ] his sandwich. He opens the box, looks at his sandwich, nods, and goes upstairs. One hour later, he comes back down.)

Student #1 : “There are no mushrooms on this.”

Me: “You didn’t ask for any.”

Student#1 : “B****! I want my food for free!”

(This continues for a few minutes before I explain to the customer that I charged him for a five-item breakfast roll, so he didn’t pay for mushrooms. Regardless, at any point during the hour he’d been there he could have come down and asked for mushrooms, and he’d checked the sandwich before he went upstairs!)

Student #2 : *laughs* “I told you it wouldn’t work!”

You Just Weeded Yourself Out
NORTH CAROLINA, RETAIL, USA | RIGHT | JULY 28, 2012
(I work at a very popular supplement store, and we sell products that are called “detoxes”. There are certain ones that people buy under the impression that they can cheat a urinalysis. If the customer mentions anything about drugs or a urine test, we must refuse the sale.)

Customer: “Hey, I need one of those detoxes.”

(I unlock the display and bring it to the counter.)

Me: “Okay, anything else?”

Customer: “Do these really work? I’m trying to find a job and I smoke a lot of weed.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I cannot sell you this product because you told me that. It is against federal law. I will have to ask you to leave.”

Customer: “Really? That sucks. Hey, are you guys hiring?”

The Next Generation Versus The Last One
BANK | RIGHT | MAY 6, 2013
(I am visiting my friend. She has a lot of errands to run with her boyfriend. We go to the bank first. While they’re setting things up, I’m watching their daughter.)

Me: “Hey princess, what do you want to do while waiting?”

Friend’s Daughter: “Up!”

(I pick her up and twirl her around a few times while she giggles.)

Me: “Aww, you really like that! I’m gonna miss it when you’re too big for this.”

(A teller looks over and smiles at us.)

Teller: “She looks like a really happy kid.”

(I realize pretty quickly he thinks she is my daughter, but he’s being nice, so I don’t bother to correct him.)

Me: “Thanks!”

(As we talk, another customer is giving a disapproving glare both at my friend’s daughter, and at my hair, which is blonde at the ends.)

Customer: “You should be ashamed! Having a kid at your age, and setting such a bad example!”

(I’m stunned. I’m in my third year of college, and I realize I look younger than I am, but my friend’s daughter isn’t even two years old. My friends have finished with their deposit and head over.)

Me: “Hey princess, see mommy!”

Friend’s Daughter: “Mama!”

Friend: “Thanks for watching her!”

Me: “No problem!”

Customer: *embarrassed*

Catatonic About The Cat Tonic
GROCERY STORE | WORKING | NOVEMBER 11, 2014
(I’m in the pharmacy section of a large supermarket. I’m visiting my parents for the weekend, and I’m having some trouble with their cat. This story takes place in the evening, when all other pharmacies in the area are closed.)

Me: “Excuse me, do you know if any of these are better for cat allergies, or if they’re all pretty much the same?”

Pharmacist: “They aren’t for cats.”

Me: “Oh. None of them?”

Pharmacist: “No. You can’t buy those, sorry.”

Me: “I don’t understand; they’re just anti-histamines. Why can’t I take them?”

Pharmacist: “I can’t sell you them. It could be dangerous.”

Me: “What?”

Pharmacist: “You’ll have to go to a vet.”

Me: “What?! I won’t be able to sleep without them, and everywhere else is closed.”

Pharmacist: “I’m sorry, but as I said, you’ll have to take your cat to a vet. You can’t just give it these. The dose would be too strong. If it’s an emergency, you can call [local animal clinic].”

Me: *blinks for a moment* “They’re for me. For me to take. I am the one with the allergy. I am allergic to cats.”

Pharmacist: “…”

Me: “…”

Pharmacist: “…oh. Right.”

Ruh Roh, Retroactive Rewards Rage
AT THE CHECKOUT, CONVENIENCE STORE, IGNORING & INATTENTIVE, MONEY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 21, 2009
Me: “…and your total will be [total]. Would you like to join our rewards program? It’s a new program we’re offering where many of the items you purchase every day will give you rewards toward future purchases.”

Customer: “You have a rewards program that could save me money?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. It’s a new program that we just started.”

Customer: “Why the h*** didn’t anyone tell me about this before? I’ve been coming here for months, and no one has told me about this! How rude!”

Me: “It’s a new program. We just started it today. In fact, you’re one of the first people that has been offered this reward.”

Customer: “But I’ve been coming here for months! Do you know how much money I could have saved?!”

Me: “It’s a new program–”

Customer: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t have offered something like this to a regular customer when I started coming here! F*** you! I’m going to [Competitor]!”

I’m Not Gay, But My Boyfriends Are
GROCERY STORE | ROMANTIC | SEPTEMBER 8, 2011
(Two college-aged guys of similar age to myself come up to the register with a box of condoms. Note: I’m male myself.)

Customer 1: “We’re not gay, you know.”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer #1 : “Well, we’re not.”

Me: “Okay, I know.”

(I finish the transaction, and they’re about to leave.)

Me: “Have a nice evening.”

Customer #2 : “So…uh…are you doing anything when you get off? We’d like to hang out.” *winks at me*

Almost Spilled Out Of Control
CONVENIENCE STORE | WORKING | OCTOBER 4, 2013
(I am in a convenience store, and a young girl walks in with two of her friends. The young girl goes over to the counter and orders a frozen drink. After she has filled her cup, I see her walking back to the middle of the store to her friends, and a large bit of ice that was standing on her drink falls over. She looks up somewhat amused, and we both smile at each other, because it is rather funny. She then walks over to the register again.)

Young Girl: “Excuse me, do you have any napkins?”

Employee: “No, sorry.”

Young Girl: “Oh, well, I’m sorry but I’ve just spilt some of my drink on your floor.”

Employee: “DON’T DO THAT NEXT TIME!”

Young Girl: *slightly irritated at the employee’s rudeness* “Well, look, it’s not like I did it on purpose, okay? It was an accident. I came over here and asked for something to clean it up with so I could clean it myself, but you don’t have anything, and that’s not my fault.”

Employee: *embarrassed* “I’m… sorry…”

Need To Wake Up Then Make Up
HOTEL | RIGHT | MAY 5, 2014
(I’m a 20-year-old female working the graveyard shift at the hotel. Two rather intoxicated men come in around 1 am. They are about 50 and 60 years old and they are around the little gift shop that we have near the front desk.)

Older Gentleman: “Man, I don’t know what I want, but I’m hungry.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

(I show him the frozen meals and such that we have.)

Older Gentleman: “Thanks. Can I get a wake up call at 6:30 in the morning?”

Me: “Sure…”

Younger Gentleman: “That’s bulls***. We have to be out of here by six in the morning.”

Older Gentleman: “You can leave at six. I ain’t getting up till 6:30.”

(The younger gentleman walks into the store, grabs a box of tampons, and hands it to the older gentleman.)

Younger Gentleman: “Here. Take two of these now and if you are still acting like a little b**** in the morning call me.”

Older Gentleman: *laughs and throws the tampons back at him*

Younger Gentleman: *to me* “Set this drunkard’s wake up call for 5:45, 6:00, and 6:15.”

Older Gentleman: *to me* “Yeah, whatever the little b**** boss says is fine. He’s my ride to the site.”

(They are both laughing as they walk away to their rooms after purchasing some food and drinks. The whole time I was trying not to laugh as I was dealing with them. Later, just before I go home, they both come down to talk to me.)

Older Gentleman: “I’m sorry about last night. I’m hung over but wanted to apologize for possibly offending you.”

Me: “That’s okay. I thought it was funny. Made my night to see you two acting like that.”

(I hadn’t laughed that hard at work in a long time so I took pity on them both and gave them some painkillers for their hangovers before they had to go to work.)

Don’t Worry, We’ll Have The Giraffes Pull Double Shifts
IMPOSSIBLE DEMANDS, TIME, USA, ZOO | RIGHT | JULY 29, 2008
Visitor: “Hello, can you tell me how to get to the zoo?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the zoo closed at six pm today.”

Visitor: “But your website says that you’re open 24 hours a day.”

Me: “No it doesn’t.”

Visitor: “Do you have a computer with you right now to look it up? I even printed out the page that says you’re open 24 hours a day.”

Me: “No, I don’t right now, but I’ve looked at it many times before and it doesn’t say that anywhere. Can I see the paper you printed out?”

Visitor: “I don’t have it with me, but it said that you’re open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.”

Me: “Think about this. No zoo on earth would be open 24 hours a day. What you’re saying doesn’t make any sense! Are you sure you had the right website?”

Visitor: “Of course I’m sure! Why would your website lie?”

Me: “It doesn’t say that! Look at the door and our brochure right over there. They, along with our website, clearly say that we close at six pm. Now, we’re closed so you need to leave and come back when we’re open to see the animals.”

Visitor: “But your website says I should be able to see them now! This is ridiculous!” *storms off*

(I checked the website later that night and of course, there’s nothing there that even suggests we might be open any later than six pm.)

Will Go Crazy At This Rate
HOTEL | RIGHT | FEBRUARY 2, 2016
(I walk into my hotel to check in when I see the receptionist hold up her hand to acknowledge me with a smile as she is taking a phone call. She has a very fixed smile on her face.)

Receptionist: “No, sir. I am sorry, our room rates start at £60 a night with bed and breakfast. I’m afraid we wouldn’t be able to give you a rate of £50. Yes, sir, I am checking your name now. The last time you stayed with us was June last year when the rate was lower.”

(I can hear the guy on the other end now getting angrier and the receptionist is smiling serenely the whole damn time.)

Receptionist: “Unfortunately, sir, my superior has left the office for the day… No, sir, I cannot call her… No, sir, you cannot have her number to call her… Unfortunately, sir, I am unable to adjust the rate… I can appreciate your predicament, sir, but I am unable to lower the rate as it is a set rate.”

(At this point, I can actually hear the guy swearing down the phone at the receptionist and she’s just smiling.)

Receptionist: “Thank you, sir. I will of course pass on those comments. I am sure they will help my supervisor with my staff appraisal. Have a good day, sir. ‘Bye.” *she takes a deep breath, smiles at me, and says* “Every Saturday… Can I help you, sir?”

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Recovered For A Picture Perfect Finish
PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO | RIGHT | APRIL 8, 2015
(A mother comes in with her children for a photo session. I’m directing the kids about with a ‘Hey, could you move over here?’ or ‘Could you stand there?’ None of the children seem unhappy, and we’re having a blast. The mother suggests the exact pose I’m about to set up for. I can’t help but speak.)

Me: *bursting out laughing* “Wow! That’s amazing! Get out of my head; it’s a really scary place, you know!”

(I think nothing of the comment, as it’s happened before.)

Mother: *tone darkens* “Oh.”

(She turns around, frowning, and begins fiddling with her phone. I set up the pose for her daughter and take a few variations of it to try and make sure I get it perfect. The daughter, a completely delightful ham, distracts me from noticing the absolute anger on the mother’s face.)

Mother: “I can’t believe you! You’ve completely spoiled the mood! My children don’t even want to do this and they hate being here.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “I’m sorry… What? Was it what I said about being in my head? It’s not meant as an insult to you…”

Mother: “I don’t care! You’re so terrible! Just give us the picture of the kids together. We don’t want anything else from you. You’re just a horrible person!”

(The kids seem stunned, and the daughter practically droops. They were just getting ready to get solo shots, something they were all excited for. If I have any weak point, it’s disappointing kids. I try to save the moment one last time.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry. If there’s anything I could do to make you feel better so we can get the last few pictures your kids seemed to want—”

Mother: “I can’t believe you! How dare you refer them as ‘my kids!’ They have NAMES you know! I can’t believe you’d say such a terrible thing to them. I want my picture, and I want to leave right now. I’m going to speak with your manager!”

Me: “Ma’am… I am the manager.”

Mother: “Wait, YOU’RE the manager? Oh, I’m going to customer services, then.” *turns to her children* “Can you believe it? This idiot is the manager? I can’t believe someone would be so awful and stupid to hire this sorry excuse for a manager. I can’t believe they let people like you work…”

(This goes on for a solid minute. I’m too stunned to speak. I get to the point I can’t take this mothers continued diatribe of insults and degradation in front of her children.)

Me: “Ma’am, I have to ask you to leave. No person deserves this level of abusive behaviour from any customer or person. I said one thing that normally wouldn’t be considered offensive, apologized for it, attempted to fix the problem and despite this, you chose to mistreat me. You’re already seeking to go above my head to report me for something pretty minor, so I haven’t got much to lose by asking you to leave and stopping you from using me for a verbal punching bag.”

(Her husband has just arrived on the scene as I finish my speech, so she turns to him.)

Mother: “Can you BELIEVE that? She’s telling me to leave! She doesn’t have that right! She’s just a terrible person!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve told you to leave, and I mean it. I will call security and have you removed.”

(I move to pick up the phone. Her husband shrugs his shoulders and reminds her that they need these pictures for someone other than her. Her body crumples and her tone changes entirely.)

Mother: “Please, this is for my son’s [relative] who’s [in a very far away place]. My son is going to [far away] university and we won’t be seeing him for a long time. It’s very important to them.”

Me: *hangs up the phone and sighs* “Fine, I’m going to put something together for them. But I want you to leave once I’m done.”

(I move around to gather a CD and put their session on it. Every time the mother looks at me, her composure crumples a little more.)

Mother: *meekly* “I could pay…”

Me: *I hand over the CD* ”Ma’am, I have never, ever in my time here have had to ask someone to leave like that. That was a terrible experience to have and your payment to me is to never, ever treat another human being like that again.”

Too Much Violence On TV, Even More When It’s Off
CABLE COMPANY, CALL CENTER, CRIMINAL & ILLEGAL, WILD & UNRULY | RIGHT | OCTOBER 19, 2009
Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “You shut me off!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having problems. Let me pull up your account.”

Customer: “I ain’t got no d*** account with you. You rip people off so I figure I’ll rip you off, and then you go and shut me off again!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, what address is this for?”

(Customer gives his address and I see he is documented for repeated cable theft.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this account needs to be paid for if you want to have cable service.”

Customer: “No, it don’t. I’ll just go on back there and hook up my wires and it’ll come in fine.”

Me: “Yes, sir, that is possible, but it’s against the law to tap into lines without a paid account.”

Customer: “Well, you better make it harder because I’m just gonna go hook it up again, and you better stop unhooking my lines.”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m afraid we’ll continue to take down any unauthorized hook ups, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah? Well, I’ll be waiting with a shotgun next time!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too, sir.”

Customer: “No, it ain’t! I got the right to bear arms and if you come out here, I’m gonna BEAR ARMS ON YOU!”

Teachers Don’t Cry
HIGH SCHOOL | LEARNING | APRIL 17, 2013
(I work in a school district known for a high truancy rate, a high dropout rate, gang violence, and drugs. Many of the students are not motivated, but I try my best to engage students.)

Me: “Okay, guys, so for this essay—”

Class: *keeps talking*

Me: “Hey, we need to go over the requirements for—”

Class: *keeps talking*

Student #1 : *gets up and walks out the door* “Going to the bathroom!”

Me: “Wait! You need a pass!”

Class: *keeps talking*

Me: “This essay is part of the school’s curriculum, and if you don’t do it, you’ll fail this class!”

Class: *keeps talking*

Student #2 : “Do you ever feel like you’re the teacher in Freedom Writers?”

Me: “No. The students actually did their work in that movie.”